Here is a nice little paraphrasing of an inner dialogue I had earlier. (Note, most people have inner angels and demons. . . I have an inner Jekyll and Hyde because I am fully willing to admit that my less than 'nice' feelings are actually mine.)
[Jekyll is as always trying to cover Hyde's mouth and hold him down so he can't act.]
Jekyll: George, I know that you are stressed and conflicted, but you know I am right. Just sit back, take it all in, and wait it out.
George: Yeah, that's really worked in the past, Jekyll. Honestly, I don't know why I listen to you sometimes.
[Jekyll, startled by the comment, loses his grip on Hyde. Hyde takes full advantage of the situation and proceeds to put Jekyll in a sleeper hold.]
Hyde: Fuck yeah George! Screw this pansy and his "sit back and wait" philosophies. Lets go out there and grab what life offers. If he works, "Fuckin' sweet". If not, well hell, there are plenty of other ways to have fun out there.
[George and Hyde run off to have fun, leaving the unconscious Jekyll in a heap on the floor.]
2/23/2008
2/15/2008
(Insert Witty Title Here)
Given all the shit that has been going on, I just felt a need to write. If you don't know the details of what has been going on, ask me. I will probably tell you if you REALLY feel like being depressed, but I don't want to just post it online. Alright, now to the actual body of this thing.
First, I want to thank the people I have talked to about the situation for their support, kind words, and aid in distracting myself (even those of you who didn't know you were doing so). I am doing alright; right now I am just worried about my parents. They are currently showing both their parental and therapeutic sides. While having revenge fantasies, they are simultaneously worrying about said fantasies and talking about getting the whole family into counseling about the situation . . . yeah, not happening.
Second, whilst suffering from a severe bout of my insomnia, I have been rereading a book. Sometimes in books we find the exact expressions we need or sayings that just fit perfectly into situations. Tonight, I was reading White Knight by Jim Butcher and I found two perfect passages.
Here is the first, on the topic of pain.
The second is a conversation (between a shadow of a fallen angel and a human wizard. . . it's complicated) about the nature of anger. I am just going to include some of the dialog.
So yeah, I'm hurt and angry, but I am using that pain and anger. I'm not wallowing in the pain anymore. I am using it. It has become the fire with which I am tempering who I am. For too long I have been focused on petty, meaningless "pains" in my life. I focus on things I can't control or change and whine and moan about the pain they cause. If I didn't want to feel it, I could move myself the fuck away from it. No, I was complaining because I wanted someone else to do something about it for me. That is stupid, selfish, childish thinking, and I am a moron for indulging in it. I was focusing on petty things when there is real pain going on around me all the time. That is what I need to focus on.
That of course brings me to the lesson that the second passage truly embodies. In about two weeks, my outlook on life has changed. At first when I found out about what happened, I was only concerned with what I could direct my anger at. I lashed out at things (that poor Stop sign never saw it coming) and flailed about impotently. Now I am looking more closely at myself, my family, and the people I work with (staff and guys) to help me do everything I can to help PREVENT anything like it from happening in the future. While my parents are indulging in meaningless, pointless revenge fantasies still, I am trying to think of ways to get word to the community about the danger in it without exposing myself to libel or slander suits. My anger has turned into a passion to make sure everyone can do what they can to protect those they love. Every day I go to work now, I see in the face of each guy there the chance to help them and everyone they interact with. I see that I can be instrumental in making sure others don't go through what my family has.
I don't know why it took such a painful and infuriating demonstration to pound these lessons into my skull, but now that they are there, they aren't leaving.
First, I want to thank the people I have talked to about the situation for their support, kind words, and aid in distracting myself (even those of you who didn't know you were doing so). I am doing alright; right now I am just worried about my parents. They are currently showing both their parental and therapeutic sides. While having revenge fantasies, they are simultaneously worrying about said fantasies and talking about getting the whole family into counseling about the situation . . . yeah, not happening.
Second, whilst suffering from a severe bout of my insomnia, I have been rereading a book. Sometimes in books we find the exact expressions we need or sayings that just fit perfectly into situations. Tonight, I was reading White Knight by Jim Butcher and I found two perfect passages.
Here is the first, on the topic of pain.
We still hadn't learned, though, that growing up was all about getting hurt. And then getting over it. You hurt. You recover. You move on. Odds are pretty good you're just going to get hurt again. But each time you learn something.
Each time, you come out of it a little stronger, and at some point you realize that there are more flavors of pain than coffee. There's the little empty pain of leaving something behind - graduating, taking the next step forward, walking out of something familiar and safe into the unknown. There's the big whirling pain of life upending all of your plans and expectations. There's the sharp little pains of failure, and the more obscure aches of successes that don't give you what you thought they would. There are the vicious stabbing pains of hopes being torn up. The sweet little pains of finding others, giving them your love, and taking joy in their life as they grow and learn. There's the steady pain of empathy that you shrug off so you can stand beside a wounded friend and help them bear their burdens.
And if you're very, very lucky, there are a very few blazing hot little pains that you feel when you realize that you are standing in a moment of utter perfection, an instant of triumph, or happiness, or mirth which at the same time cannot possibly last - and yet will remain with you for life.
Everyone is down on pain, because they forget something important about it: Pain is for the living. Only the dead don't feel it.
Pain is a part of life. Sometimes it is a big part, and sometimes it isn't, but either way it is part of the big puzzle, the deep music, the great game. Pain does two things: It teaches you, tells you that you are alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes it leaves you stronger. Either way, pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve it in one degree or another.
The second is a conversation (between a shadow of a fallen angel and a human wizard. . . it's complicated) about the nature of anger. I am just going to include some of the dialog.
Anger is just anger. It isn’t good. It isn’t bad. It just is. What you do with it is what matters. It’s just like anything else. You can use it to build or destroy. You just have to make the choice.
Constructive anger
Also known as passion. Passion has overthrown tyrants and freed prisoners and slaves. Passion has brought justice where there is savagery. Passion has created freedom where there was nothing but fear. Passion has helped souls rise from the ashes of their horrible lives and build something better, stronger, more beautiful. In point of fact, that kind of thing really doesn’t get done without passion. Anger is one of the things that can help build it – if it’s controlled.
So yeah, I'm hurt and angry, but I am using that pain and anger. I'm not wallowing in the pain anymore. I am using it. It has become the fire with which I am tempering who I am. For too long I have been focused on petty, meaningless "pains" in my life. I focus on things I can't control or change and whine and moan about the pain they cause. If I didn't want to feel it, I could move myself the fuck away from it. No, I was complaining because I wanted someone else to do something about it for me. That is stupid, selfish, childish thinking, and I am a moron for indulging in it. I was focusing on petty things when there is real pain going on around me all the time. That is what I need to focus on.
That of course brings me to the lesson that the second passage truly embodies. In about two weeks, my outlook on life has changed. At first when I found out about what happened, I was only concerned with what I could direct my anger at. I lashed out at things (that poor Stop sign never saw it coming) and flailed about impotently. Now I am looking more closely at myself, my family, and the people I work with (staff and guys) to help me do everything I can to help PREVENT anything like it from happening in the future. While my parents are indulging in meaningless, pointless revenge fantasies still, I am trying to think of ways to get word to the community about the danger in it without exposing myself to libel or slander suits. My anger has turned into a passion to make sure everyone can do what they can to protect those they love. Every day I go to work now, I see in the face of each guy there the chance to help them and everyone they interact with. I see that I can be instrumental in making sure others don't go through what my family has.
I don't know why it took such a painful and infuriating demonstration to pound these lessons into my skull, but now that they are there, they aren't leaving.
1/06/2008
Widowers, Teenage Pregnancy, Suicide, and Psychotic Breaks - Oh my!
You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies. - Steve Martin
That's right Steve, movies are one of the most prevalent medias in our culture today... And I am addicted to them. Upon a recent count spurred by curiosity as to how many movies I actually watched this past year, I came up with a startling number. I watched 62 new releases in 2007. That doesn't mean that I watched 62 movies I hadn't seen before, that means that I watched 62 movies that were released in theaters in 2007. That is more than one new movie a week.
Granted, I didn't watch them all in the theater, but many of them I did. Heck, I even drove long distances for some of them (some just so I could watch it with friends, others because I couldn't find them locally).
Here is an alphabetical list of the movies I watched:
"300"
"3:10 To Yuma"
"Across The Universe"
"Alvin And the Chipmunks Movie"
"August Rush"
"Balls Of Fury"
"Beowulf"
"Blades Of Glory"
"The Bourne Ultimatum"
"Bridge To Terabithia"
"Dan In Real Life"
"Disturbia"
“Dragon Wars”
"Enchanted"
"Evan Almighty"
"The Ex"
"Fantastic Four 2"
"Fracture"
"Ghost Rider"
"The Golden Compass"
"Good Luck Chuck"
"Hairspray The Movie"
"Hannibal Rising"
"Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Movie"
"Hot Fuzz"
"I Am Legend"
"I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry"
"The Invasion"
"Juno"
"Knocked Up"
"Lars And The Real Girl"
“License to Wed”
"Live Free Or Die Hard"
“Meet the Robinsons”
"Mr. Brooks"
"National Treasure 2"
"The Number 23"
"Ocean's 13"
"Peaceful Warrior"
"Pirates Of The Caribbean 3"
"Premonition"
“Pride”
"Ratatouille"
"Rush Hour 3"
"The Seeker: Dark Is Rising"
"Shoot Em Up"
"Shrek 3"
"The Simpsons Movie"
“Spiderman 3"
"Stardust"
"Stomp The Yard"
"Superbad"
"Sweeney Todd Movie"
"TMNT (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)"
"Transformers The Movie "
"Wild Hogs"
"Wristcutters"
"Zodiac"
While 2007 was a year of sequels and huge blockbusters, my favorites of the year were neither. Three of my four favorite movies of the year I had to drive 80 miles to find because they were limited releases. The fourth I saw on my local theater's "Arthouse" screen (Yeah, I now watch Arthouse movies).
My top four movies of the year (Not really in any order because I can't pick an order) were Dan in Real Life, Juno, Wristcutters: A Love Story, and Lars and the Real Girl. Each and every one of these movies was incredibly character driven, which is a rarity in today's theaters.
Dan in Real Life - The touching story of a widower struggling to raise his three daughters. He thinks everything is going alright, right up until he meets the woman of his dreams... only to then learn that she is his brother's girlfriend. The characters are realistic and so easy to relate to that you care about them by the end of the movie, and not just in a silly "What's gonna happen" way like with most movies. While not normally a Dane Cook fan, he actually pulled off the role of the spoiled younger brother who is desperately trying to show he can change for a woman he loves, while the normally slapstick Steve Carell plays a man who is easy to empathize with, lovable, and believably confused as he tries to raise three girls as a lone man.
Juno - Between Ellen Page, J.K. Simmons, and Michael Cera, this movie has an amazing cast and the characters and funny, yet believable. A comedy that also tugs on the heartstrings. Ellen Page was rightfully nominated for a best actress award, and I hope to god she wins. Michael Cera is quickly becoming one of my favorite new actors with his honest and realistic humor and insecurity. With Jennifer Garner, Jason Bateman, and J.K. Simmons as the supporting cast, Juno was a great movie that I will probably watch again in theaters now that it has expanded.
Wristcutters: A Love Story - How do you make a movie about people who have committed suicide living in the next world and searching for a meaning to their existence (whether that be an ex-girlfriend who killed herself too or the people in charge so you can tell them you didn't commit suicide, you just OD'ed), well someone managed to, and it is a great movie. The attention to detail shown in this movie is astounding. Nobody in this afterlife can smile, but they don't mention it until halfway through the movie, and by then you finally realize that nobody has smiled yet. The little things like that make all the difference in this kind of movie.
Lars and the Real Girl - Over the years, Ryan Gosling has shown himself as an incredibly versatile actor who can be anything from a cold-blooded killer to a young man in the throws of love. In Lars and the Real Girl, he does an incredible job of portraying a man with a serious psychological problem. A man who has problems relating to people and connecting with them buys a realistic sex doll and introduces her around as his girlfriend he met online. The entire town he lives in pulls together to make sure that "she" is made to feel at home. A heartfelt movie about what people will do for people they care about.
Well, that is a short blurb about my four favorite movies of the year, and now for a disclaimer:
If you care about your sanity, soul, mind, or eyes, don't - I repeat, DON'T - watch Dragon Wars. Between the horrible dialog, shoddy plot holes, ridiculous twists, and completely stupid Deus ex Machinas, Dragon Wars was an utter affront to my sensibilities.
That's right Steve, movies are one of the most prevalent medias in our culture today... And I am addicted to them. Upon a recent count spurred by curiosity as to how many movies I actually watched this past year, I came up with a startling number. I watched 62 new releases in 2007. That doesn't mean that I watched 62 movies I hadn't seen before, that means that I watched 62 movies that were released in theaters in 2007. That is more than one new movie a week.
Granted, I didn't watch them all in the theater, but many of them I did. Heck, I even drove long distances for some of them (some just so I could watch it with friends, others because I couldn't find them locally).
Here is an alphabetical list of the movies I watched:
"300"
"3:10 To Yuma"
"Across The Universe"
"Alvin And the Chipmunks Movie"
"August Rush"
"Balls Of Fury"
"Beowulf"
"Blades Of Glory"
"The Bourne Ultimatum"
"Bridge To Terabithia"
"Dan In Real Life"
"Disturbia"
“Dragon Wars”
"Enchanted"
"Evan Almighty"
"The Ex"
"Fantastic Four 2"
"Fracture"
"Ghost Rider"
"The Golden Compass"
"Good Luck Chuck"
"Hairspray The Movie"
"Hannibal Rising"
"Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Movie"
"Hot Fuzz"
"I Am Legend"
"I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry"
"The Invasion"
"Juno"
"Knocked Up"
"Lars And The Real Girl"
“License to Wed”
"Live Free Or Die Hard"
“Meet the Robinsons”
"Mr. Brooks"
"National Treasure 2"
"The Number 23"
"Ocean's 13"
"Peaceful Warrior"
"Pirates Of The Caribbean 3"
"Premonition"
“Pride”
"Ratatouille"
"Rush Hour 3"
"The Seeker: Dark Is Rising"
"Shoot Em Up"
"Shrek 3"
"The Simpsons Movie"
“Spiderman 3"
"Stardust"
"Stomp The Yard"
"Superbad"
"Sweeney Todd Movie"
"TMNT (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)"
"Transformers The Movie "
"Wild Hogs"
"Wristcutters"
"Zodiac"
While 2007 was a year of sequels and huge blockbusters, my favorites of the year were neither. Three of my four favorite movies of the year I had to drive 80 miles to find because they were limited releases. The fourth I saw on my local theater's "Arthouse" screen (Yeah, I now watch Arthouse movies).
My top four movies of the year (Not really in any order because I can't pick an order) were Dan in Real Life, Juno, Wristcutters: A Love Story, and Lars and the Real Girl. Each and every one of these movies was incredibly character driven, which is a rarity in today's theaters.
Dan in Real Life - The touching story of a widower struggling to raise his three daughters. He thinks everything is going alright, right up until he meets the woman of his dreams... only to then learn that she is his brother's girlfriend. The characters are realistic and so easy to relate to that you care about them by the end of the movie, and not just in a silly "What's gonna happen" way like with most movies. While not normally a Dane Cook fan, he actually pulled off the role of the spoiled younger brother who is desperately trying to show he can change for a woman he loves, while the normally slapstick Steve Carell plays a man who is easy to empathize with, lovable, and believably confused as he tries to raise three girls as a lone man.
Juno - Between Ellen Page, J.K. Simmons, and Michael Cera, this movie has an amazing cast and the characters and funny, yet believable. A comedy that also tugs on the heartstrings. Ellen Page was rightfully nominated for a best actress award, and I hope to god she wins. Michael Cera is quickly becoming one of my favorite new actors with his honest and realistic humor and insecurity. With Jennifer Garner, Jason Bateman, and J.K. Simmons as the supporting cast, Juno was a great movie that I will probably watch again in theaters now that it has expanded.
Wristcutters: A Love Story - How do you make a movie about people who have committed suicide living in the next world and searching for a meaning to their existence (whether that be an ex-girlfriend who killed herself too or the people in charge so you can tell them you didn't commit suicide, you just OD'ed), well someone managed to, and it is a great movie. The attention to detail shown in this movie is astounding. Nobody in this afterlife can smile, but they don't mention it until halfway through the movie, and by then you finally realize that nobody has smiled yet. The little things like that make all the difference in this kind of movie.
Lars and the Real Girl - Over the years, Ryan Gosling has shown himself as an incredibly versatile actor who can be anything from a cold-blooded killer to a young man in the throws of love. In Lars and the Real Girl, he does an incredible job of portraying a man with a serious psychological problem. A man who has problems relating to people and connecting with them buys a realistic sex doll and introduces her around as his girlfriend he met online. The entire town he lives in pulls together to make sure that "she" is made to feel at home. A heartfelt movie about what people will do for people they care about.
Well, that is a short blurb about my four favorite movies of the year, and now for a disclaimer:
If you care about your sanity, soul, mind, or eyes, don't - I repeat, DON'T - watch Dragon Wars. Between the horrible dialog, shoddy plot holes, ridiculous twists, and completely stupid Deus ex Machinas, Dragon Wars was an utter affront to my sensibilities.
12/01/2007
A Long Overdue Ramble
So, over the past couple of months I have written up a few blog posts, but after writing each one I would read it and scrap it. Some were too whiny (even for me), some were a little too revealing (don't think my family would appreciate some of the personal health problems I would have been posting), and a few were just too personal. Over the past couple years I have put up plenty of stuff that is VERY personal on my blog, but these were a little much even for me.
So here is this post. I am just going to ramble on about whatever comes to mind; I'll probably throw in some song lyrics and/or quotes too. We shall see.
Work: Work is hell. Ok, not hell, but it is stressful. I could leave it at that, but I won't. The past few weeks at work have been too hectic. Between holidays, deaths, and many outings, things are just running at 1oo miles a second and I can't seem to keep caught up. Now, not everything is bad. I mean, some of the outings are great. I mean, I got paid to drive up to Chicago, watch Phantom of the Opera, and eat at a Chinese buffet - awesome. Last week I got paid to go Christmas shopping and then got a $30 meal at Red Lobster. When you couple these fun things with the emotional boosts you get when you realize how much you are actually helping some of these guys, and the job is great. It can be REALLY stressful though.
Family: Hey regular readers, I have a shock for you! My family members are sick! Ok, if you know anything about my family or have read about half of my blog posts, you know that my family is always sick. If it isn't my mom's knee or shoulder, it is my brother's gastro-intestinal system, or my dad's neck, back, diabetes, arthritis, heart, or whatever his newest unknown malady is. This time it is Dad, Tom, and my aunt all at once. Oh, and my ankle has been acting up lately too. Luckily my family's doctor is great. I mean, the man refuses to let us call him anything but his first name, and has a habit of theatrically joking with us. Take this example:
In addition to the health problems in my family, I am also suffering from another problem regarding them. I am feeling weird when I'm around most of my cousins of a like age. Currently there are five of us who have graduated from high school, and I am the only one who isn't married. Ok, sure, all of the others got married because they either got pregnant or got someone pregnant, but still. It feels weird to look around at a family gathering and realize that I am the only legal adult in my generation without a significant other. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to have any kids yet, and I am glad I am not on the fast track to whitetrashdom like some of my cousins (nothing like leaving the Navy because you got pregnant and spending the rest of your life working at McDonalds).
Edumacation: In two weeks I am taking my GRE so I can finish my applications to various Grad schools. I'm torn though. I want to go to grad school and get my Master's, but at the same time I want to be home to help my parents. I want to get a higher paying job that I can consider a career, but I want to pay off my student loans as soon as possible. I want to get out of my hometown, but I want to be able to visit friends. It is an interesting conundrum. I'm going to go ahead and apply though, and see what my options are after that.
Women/Love/Romance/Relationship Status: Uhhh. . . . not sure at the moment. I think there is one person who fully knows what is going on with me right now (and that is because I had another case of "George has no internal filter when intoxicated" syndrome... Yeah sorry about that again, even if you refuse to allow me to say sorry). If you want to know what is going on with me, ask and depending on my mood I might tell you.
Random Thoughts: Hmmm, what random thoughts should I include here? Should I talk about how much I dislike going to any of the bars in this area because the three times I have been in one over the past six months at least 10% of my high school class has been inside?
Maybe I should talk about how this past Tuesday REALLY reminded me of some of the things I miss the most about college? Sitting in Cup o' Joe, just talking, laughing, joking, and hanging out really made me nostalgic. I miss being able to just take a one minute walk to find a place I can sit and be with friends. I miss having a group of people readily available to just relax with. I can't do that with my family because any time my parents and I are all off work they end up finding something around the house that needs fixing, or cleaning, or remodeling, or some other inane thing.
Perhaps I should talk about how I have lately been one of the things I hate the most. . . a hypocrite. I continually talk about how we should be honest with people and just say how we feel, but I think I do it mainly because it is something I wish I could do. Instead, I skirt around issues. I drop stupid little hints and joke about things in an attempt to convey what I am thinking without having to actually say it. I hate myself for it, but every time I do express how I feel things seem to explode in my face. *Sigh* Oh well.
Quotes/Songs:
So here is this post. I am just going to ramble on about whatever comes to mind; I'll probably throw in some song lyrics and/or quotes too. We shall see.
Work: Work is hell. Ok, not hell, but it is stressful. I could leave it at that, but I won't. The past few weeks at work have been too hectic. Between holidays, deaths, and many outings, things are just running at 1oo miles a second and I can't seem to keep caught up. Now, not everything is bad. I mean, some of the outings are great. I mean, I got paid to drive up to Chicago, watch Phantom of the Opera, and eat at a Chinese buffet - awesome. Last week I got paid to go Christmas shopping and then got a $30 meal at Red Lobster. When you couple these fun things with the emotional boosts you get when you realize how much you are actually helping some of these guys, and the job is great. It can be REALLY stressful though.
Family: Hey regular readers, I have a shock for you! My family members are sick! Ok, if you know anything about my family or have read about half of my blog posts, you know that my family is always sick. If it isn't my mom's knee or shoulder, it is my brother's gastro-intestinal system, or my dad's neck, back, diabetes, arthritis, heart, or whatever his newest unknown malady is. This time it is Dad, Tom, and my aunt all at once. Oh, and my ankle has been acting up lately too. Luckily my family's doctor is great. I mean, the man refuses to let us call him anything but his first name, and has a habit of theatrically joking with us. Take this example:
The setting is a hospital room. My father has been admitted for testing because his blood pressure has been spiking dangerously. After 12 hours of testing and a night in the hospital my family is sitting in the room waiting for our doctor. The nurses know us, so they have been joking with us about how the doctor is just avoiding us because he doesn't know what is wrong.And yes, that actually happened. The nurses weren't happy he was putting words in their mouths, so one of them kicked him in the butt as he was walking away from the room.
A few minutes later our doctor saunters in. He says his hello's to all of us and sits down on the radiator. He looks over at my dad and smiles as he puts his feet on the hospital bed.
"Well, Tim," he says with an exaggerated sigh. "The nurses tell me that you have been whiny and bitchy. But we'll deal with that later. First the results of your tests. As usual we have know idea what the fuck is going on with you."
In addition to the health problems in my family, I am also suffering from another problem regarding them. I am feeling weird when I'm around most of my cousins of a like age. Currently there are five of us who have graduated from high school, and I am the only one who isn't married. Ok, sure, all of the others got married because they either got pregnant or got someone pregnant, but still. It feels weird to look around at a family gathering and realize that I am the only legal adult in my generation without a significant other. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to have any kids yet, and I am glad I am not on the fast track to whitetrashdom like some of my cousins (nothing like leaving the Navy because you got pregnant and spending the rest of your life working at McDonalds).
Edumacation: In two weeks I am taking my GRE so I can finish my applications to various Grad schools. I'm torn though. I want to go to grad school and get my Master's, but at the same time I want to be home to help my parents. I want to get a higher paying job that I can consider a career, but I want to pay off my student loans as soon as possible. I want to get out of my hometown, but I want to be able to visit friends. It is an interesting conundrum. I'm going to go ahead and apply though, and see what my options are after that.
Women/Love/Romance/Relationship Status: Uhhh. . . . not sure at the moment. I think there is one person who fully knows what is going on with me right now (and that is because I had another case of "George has no internal filter when intoxicated" syndrome... Yeah sorry about that again, even if you refuse to allow me to say sorry). If you want to know what is going on with me, ask and depending on my mood I might tell you.
Random Thoughts: Hmmm, what random thoughts should I include here? Should I talk about how much I dislike going to any of the bars in this area because the three times I have been in one over the past six months at least 10% of my high school class has been inside?
Maybe I should talk about how this past Tuesday REALLY reminded me of some of the things I miss the most about college? Sitting in Cup o' Joe, just talking, laughing, joking, and hanging out really made me nostalgic. I miss being able to just take a one minute walk to find a place I can sit and be with friends. I miss having a group of people readily available to just relax with. I can't do that with my family because any time my parents and I are all off work they end up finding something around the house that needs fixing, or cleaning, or remodeling, or some other inane thing.
Perhaps I should talk about how I have lately been one of the things I hate the most. . . a hypocrite. I continually talk about how we should be honest with people and just say how we feel, but I think I do it mainly because it is something I wish I could do. Instead, I skirt around issues. I drop stupid little hints and joke about things in an attempt to convey what I am thinking without having to actually say it. I hate myself for it, but every time I do express how I feel things seem to explode in my face. *Sigh* Oh well.
Quotes/Songs:
"If I could spend every minute of every day with you I would. I think about you all the time. I think of you when I go to bed, and you're the first thing I think about when I wake up. I can't go through one day without wanting to see you, needing to see you. You're addictive, I don't get it ... what is it about you?"
I thought that by telling myself and everyone else that I hated you. That sooner or later I would come to believe it. But I now realize that by lying, it makes me want you even more.
"You know, I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe." - Marcus Cole from Babylon 5
Nuzen felani enaliz medrawn
“I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like "Huh?", but if it's in a basket you're like "Nice."” - Demetri Martin
"If You're Not the One" by Daniel Bedingfield
If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?
I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?
I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I'm praying you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life
I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side
I don’t wanna run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
9/20/2007
Is this how addicts feel?
Is this the feelings that addicts feel? This want, that borders on need. This yearning for one thing to the exclusion of others. This hunger that consumes all other thoughts and wants. I know I shouldn't want it. I mean sure, giving in to this desire and fulfilling it will lead to happiness, but I know that it will only lead to more pain and suffering in the long run. Granted, it is a near-blissful moment in which everything seems right with the world. Colors seem more vibrant, sounds more melodious, smells more intoxicating, and touches electrifying. Therein lies the problem though. . . it is just a moment. So far every time I have indulged this want, it has been a singular moment. A few solitary moments of the dizzying high, each of which inevitably spiraled into a painful crash.
One would think that these crashes might be enough incentive to not want to risk them again. Then something happens. Some isolated event that means nothing reminds me of the highs. They make me think of the joy that fulfilling this want made me feel. The sheer unadulterated happiness that I felt. When I think about that, I forget the lows. I forget the pain and grief I felt when it was over. I want that happiness. I want that high, but I want it to last, I want to continue indulging in that want over and over to keep the low from coming.
Is this what addicts feel? It sure sounds like it.
Am I addicted? It is possible.
Should I give in? . . . I'm not sure.
Ah, what the hell.
*Eats a piece of cake.*
Ah, that's nice.
Ok, so this actually had nothing to do with cake. *Walks off muttering something about being an idiot and brick walls.*
One would think that these crashes might be enough incentive to not want to risk them again. Then something happens. Some isolated event that means nothing reminds me of the highs. They make me think of the joy that fulfilling this want made me feel. The sheer unadulterated happiness that I felt. When I think about that, I forget the lows. I forget the pain and grief I felt when it was over. I want that happiness. I want that high, but I want it to last, I want to continue indulging in that want over and over to keep the low from coming.
Is this what addicts feel? It sure sounds like it.
Am I addicted? It is possible.
Should I give in? . . . I'm not sure.
Ah, what the hell.
*Eats a piece of cake.*
Ah, that's nice.
Ok, so this actually had nothing to do with cake. *Walks off muttering something about being an idiot and brick walls.*
9/12/2007
High School called. . .
It said it wants its drama back.
Oi! I mean really people, the sheer magnitude of drama in the past year or so at Saint Joe is staggering. I think I have been through more drama in the past year and a half than my entire high school career and 2/3 of my college career. . . and those earlier years included both September 11th, the beginning of the Iraq war, and the 2004 election.
Now, some of this drama involves friends, while other apparently involves me (some warranted, some confusing, some as a result of relativity). Apparently some things have been said about me that don't jibe with the way I remember things. I think that this discrepancy between versions of the story might have led to some of the awkwardness between me and some other people, so I am just going to say the following (and this doesn't just apply to this situation or just to me): If you have heard something about me (or someone else) ask me to hear my side of the story (or ask them to hear theirs). Drawing assumptions from one side of the story leads to some false assumptions. Sure, my version of events might not be what other people remember, but every person's views are tinted by their own emotions and perceptions. If they say A and I say C, well maybe B is right and we are both wrong, but at least you know where each of us is coming from. If you are friends with someone, you owe them at least the courtesy of hearing their side of the story before you decide what you think about a situation.
My rant is finished, now for a few random quotes and a poem that has no relevant connection to anything other than the fact that I was listening to a radio program that was talking about the sun on my way home:
Oi! I mean really people, the sheer magnitude of drama in the past year or so at Saint Joe is staggering. I think I have been through more drama in the past year and a half than my entire high school career and 2/3 of my college career. . . and those earlier years included both September 11th, the beginning of the Iraq war, and the 2004 election.
Now, some of this drama involves friends, while other apparently involves me (some warranted, some confusing, some as a result of relativity). Apparently some things have been said about me that don't jibe with the way I remember things. I think that this discrepancy between versions of the story might have led to some of the awkwardness between me and some other people, so I am just going to say the following (and this doesn't just apply to this situation or just to me): If you have heard something about me (or someone else) ask me to hear my side of the story (or ask them to hear theirs). Drawing assumptions from one side of the story leads to some false assumptions. Sure, my version of events might not be what other people remember, but every person's views are tinted by their own emotions and perceptions. If they say A and I say C, well maybe B is right and we are both wrong, but at least you know where each of us is coming from. If you are friends with someone, you owe them at least the courtesy of hearing their side of the story before you decide what you think about a situation.
My rant is finished, now for a few random quotes and a poem that has no relevant connection to anything other than the fact that I was listening to a radio program that was talking about the sun on my way home:
Could you imagine how horrible things would be if we always told others how we felt? Life would be intolerably bearable. – Randy K. Milholland
Perhaps nobody ever accomplishes all that he feels lies in him to do; but nearly every one who tries his power touches the walls of his being. - Charles Dudley Warner
All it takes to fly is to hurl yourself at the ground... and miss. - Douglass Adams
I ran into someone the other day and we started to talk. Somehow the conversation mentioned your name, and they asked me if I knew you. Looking away I thought of all the times we had together and then how, without an explanation, you were gone. I looked to where they were waiting for an answer and said, "Once ... or I thought I did..." - ????
Five billion years from now - maybe to the day, the sun burns 90% of its hydrogen.
The balance is destroyed.
More energy is created than released.
Quickly - a few million years - the sun radiates all of its potential power.
The star swells...
Mercury - Venus - the Earth - Disappear... swallowed.
The sun truly, finally touches the sky.
Life vanishes beneath the glow.
Eventually the sun shrinks, decreasing to the size of the Earth, which reappears from the red dwarf's grasp.
With no gravity to hold it, the Earth slowly floats away.
Elsewhere, stars are born.
Other solar systems, older, larger, continue to breathe.
The solar system dies a cold death.
If that's what it takes, then ok.
If I must wait that long, then all right.
Because when I think of this, nothing is more desirable than the hope of watching that last day
When the sun flickers out
With you beside me. - Poem by ?? (Found in JP's away messages)
8/24/2007
Why society makes people unhappy
This post will be a look at happiness, or more precisely the lack thereof, in the majority of society and some of the reason I believe we are headed for a depressed society. One of these days I will do a more thorough study in this and probably write up an actual paper regarding it. Hell, this could evolve into my thesis when I eventually get back to school. As it is, this will be based upon personal thoughts, examples, and beliefs along with some ideas introduced in the amazing book “A General Theory on Love” which is about so much more than love.
Humans are social creatures. That is a given. At some level, everyone knows that we are social animals who could not long survive without others. Sure, there is the occasional hermit who can live alone, but they are an aberration and not the norm. No, humans are about as social as you can get.
Look at babies. At no time more than infancy is our reliance on others more pronounced. I am not talking about our needs for food, shelter, and hygiene. Rather, I am talking about the basic human need for social contact. Our limbic brains NEED social interaction – human touch, the sound of a human voice, the sight of a human face – to function. Studies have shown that without social interaction babies will die. An infant can be raised in the most hygienic of environments, but without an actual human touching, holding, etc. them, they will die.
Oh, and before I forget, I should probably talk some about the limbic system of our brain. The limbic system is the part of the brain that controls our emotions. It is the limbic system that sets mammals apart from amphibians and reptiles. The limbic system allows us to relate to other limbic animals. Through our limbic system, we can tell when a dog is happy or frightened, we can tell what a person we are talking to is feeling, and we can even know the reasoning behind the cries of a newborn baby. It is a mother’s limbic connection to her child that allows her to differentiate between a hungry cry and a hold me cry.
____
“But George,” you ask, “what the devil does this all have to do with happiness or unhappiness?”
And to that I say, “Hold your gorram horses. I’m getting to it.”
____
Our society is obsessed with Hollywood. Between the movies and the celebrity culture, you can’t spend a day in America and not hear something about a given celebrity’s latest escapades or the latest hot movie. Hollywood movies have given rise to a very strange view of relationships. Everyone is searching for the stereotypical Hollywood movie romance. They want to have the kind of experience where the wind picks up and tosses their hair as the music swells to a crescendo as they kiss someone for the first time. It is a romantic view of things, but exceedingly distorted in the probabilities that it will happen unless staged to happen so.
Celebrities are no different from anyone else in this respect. They want to have the kind of amazing scripted beautiful relationships that they portray in their movies and TV shows. They get caught up in a whirlwind romance with their latest fling, and the paparazzi go wild. Every tabloid, women’s and teen’s magazine, and half of the “news” magazines are about nothing but the latest “who’s dating whom” stories. Our society thrives on it. We have even come up with a method of referring to the relationships by making a conglomeration of the names of those involved.
Of course, everyone wants to be like their favorite celebrity, but therein lays the problem. Celebrities are as (if not more) fallible than the average person. They get caught up in their newest fling and rush straight into marriage, thinking that this is finally the one . . . unfortunately, life catches up to them and they aren’t as deliriously happy six months later and they get a divorce.
Seeing their favorite celebs do this, the average person gets into a relationship, and when it isn’t as picture perfect as their favorite movie romance, or they aren’t as cute a couple as Couple AB, they end it and break up. The majority of the time, they also cut off most if not all ties with their former partner.
And now we have come to the crux of the issue. As humans, our day to day functioning is as much based on external forces as internal. Our interactions with friends and family determine our moods and feelings. Our limbic system works with the cues (both conscious and unconscious) given off by those around us to regulate our bodies and minds. Much like my star analogy a month or so back, how much a given person affects our mood is based upon how influential they are and how close to them we are. We are connected to every person we interact with on a regular basis. Our memories, bodily regulations, thoughts, beliefs, and actions are influenced by this connectivity.
By creating extremely intimate relationships with our “significant others” we bring into our lives a star that is extremely close. These people warm our days and nights, and we thrive with them around us. Then we sever these connections because the relationship isn’t living up to the Hollywood Romantic-Comedy ideal. Of course it isn’t, because only in a scripted interaction could something as silly as this happen:
That’s right, the guy screws up, and all he has to do is show up, make a long winded, horribly canned speech, and BAM! Everything is fine again. It is sweet, it is corny, and it is utter horse shit. It doesn’t work that way in real life. In real life we get into an argument and break up. Then, because we are so used to the deep limbic connections between ourselves and the person we just broke up with, things get uncomfortable. So, we remove these people from our lives to remove the discomfort. But this person was the one who we currently had the deepest limbic connections with, so things are thrown off balance. To use my earlier analogy, we are just removing the sun from our sky. What would happen to the earth without the sun? Chaos would ensue. The earth would be engulfed in almost utter darkness after perpetual sunlight. We would drift aimlessly through the cosmos. In much the same way, our moods are thrown completely out of whack when we cut someone thoroughly out of our lives.
Why would we be so affected by the loss of one relationship though? It is actually a simple explanation. In much the same way that a baby looks to its mother to learn how to react to the environment (although to a much lesser degree), humans look to each other for emotional cues during our daily life.
Don’t believe it? Well, consider the following scenarios.
It is likely that those two nearly identical scenarios would elicit completely different responses. The first would cause most people to become irritated if not outright angry. The second is more likely to cause little or no emotional reaction because the other driver is expressing regret and remorse for what they did.
Thus, when we remove the most influential limbic relationship we have, our brains need time to adapt. It is like the average person losing one of their senses. We would need time to adapt to the lack of sensory information coming to our brain by relying more heavily on our other senses. The loss of an important limbic relationship is a direct parallel to this. When we lose a major source of limbic input, we turn to secondary sources and draw more upon them, but we aren’t used to drawing on these sources for some of this information.
In our society these gains and losses of limbic relationships are omnipresent. We are a culture of serial daters. When partner A doesn’t fit our ideal, we drop them and move on to partner B, C, D, E, and F. If it isn’t us doing it, it is one of our friends, and even if one of our direct peers hasn’t recently broken up with someone, the proof is as close as the nearest newsstand. You can’t pick up a newspaper or magazine without reading something about a famous couple breaking up. Our society encourages us to “shop around” while looking for a mate.
Look at our ancestors. When marriages were arranged and divorce was highly discouraged, the prevalence of depression was much lower. Now, I am not advocating arranged marriages, I am just saying that there appears to be a correlation (this is all hypothetical at the moment of course). The introduction of serial relationships to our society may be partly responsible for the apparent depression epidemic.
____
“But George, what about people who have been single for long periods of time? Why aren’t they happy?”
“I’m getting there”
____
Unfortunately, single people in our society aren’t spared from this whirlpool. No, they are as susceptible as the daters are. As I said earlier, we are inundated with Hollywood Romance and Hollywood couples. On TV, in movies, in books and magazines, everywhere you look you see happy couple after happy couple (followed a few months later by a story about their break up, but I digress). Any single person looking at this yearns for this apparent happiness. They see the smiling faces of couples, who haven’t yet decided that their relationship isn’t Hollywood perfect and should be scrapped, and wish that it was them. The longer they remain alone, the more they get sucked into the idea that a relationship is blissful happiness.
Of course, this leads to problems when they do get into a relationship. When the lonely single person finally finds someone and gets into a relationship, they are expecting things to be as immediately perfect as the latest Romantic Comedy showed that they should be. These people are even more likely to fall victim to this kind of thinking and terminate their relationships early . . . which of course leads to them being emotionally disoriented when these new and deep limbic connections are closed off.
In our society, it appears that you are damned if you date and damned if you don’t.
Humans are social creatures. That is a given. At some level, everyone knows that we are social animals who could not long survive without others. Sure, there is the occasional hermit who can live alone, but they are an aberration and not the norm. No, humans are about as social as you can get.
Look at babies. At no time more than infancy is our reliance on others more pronounced. I am not talking about our needs for food, shelter, and hygiene. Rather, I am talking about the basic human need for social contact. Our limbic brains NEED social interaction – human touch, the sound of a human voice, the sight of a human face – to function. Studies have shown that without social interaction babies will die. An infant can be raised in the most hygienic of environments, but without an actual human touching, holding, etc. them, they will die.
Oh, and before I forget, I should probably talk some about the limbic system of our brain. The limbic system is the part of the brain that controls our emotions. It is the limbic system that sets mammals apart from amphibians and reptiles. The limbic system allows us to relate to other limbic animals. Through our limbic system, we can tell when a dog is happy or frightened, we can tell what a person we are talking to is feeling, and we can even know the reasoning behind the cries of a newborn baby. It is a mother’s limbic connection to her child that allows her to differentiate between a hungry cry and a hold me cry.
____
“But George,” you ask, “what the devil does this all have to do with happiness or unhappiness?”
And to that I say, “Hold your gorram horses. I’m getting to it.”
____
Our society is obsessed with Hollywood. Between the movies and the celebrity culture, you can’t spend a day in America and not hear something about a given celebrity’s latest escapades or the latest hot movie. Hollywood movies have given rise to a very strange view of relationships. Everyone is searching for the stereotypical Hollywood movie romance. They want to have the kind of experience where the wind picks up and tosses their hair as the music swells to a crescendo as they kiss someone for the first time. It is a romantic view of things, but exceedingly distorted in the probabilities that it will happen unless staged to happen so.
Celebrities are no different from anyone else in this respect. They want to have the kind of amazing scripted beautiful relationships that they portray in their movies and TV shows. They get caught up in a whirlwind romance with their latest fling, and the paparazzi go wild. Every tabloid, women’s and teen’s magazine, and half of the “news” magazines are about nothing but the latest “who’s dating whom” stories. Our society thrives on it. We have even come up with a method of referring to the relationships by making a conglomeration of the names of those involved.
Of course, everyone wants to be like their favorite celebrity, but therein lays the problem. Celebrities are as (if not more) fallible than the average person. They get caught up in their newest fling and rush straight into marriage, thinking that this is finally the one . . . unfortunately, life catches up to them and they aren’t as deliriously happy six months later and they get a divorce.
Seeing their favorite celebs do this, the average person gets into a relationship, and when it isn’t as picture perfect as their favorite movie romance, or they aren’t as cute a couple as Couple AB, they end it and break up. The majority of the time, they also cut off most if not all ties with their former partner.
And now we have come to the crux of the issue. As humans, our day to day functioning is as much based on external forces as internal. Our interactions with friends and family determine our moods and feelings. Our limbic system works with the cues (both conscious and unconscious) given off by those around us to regulate our bodies and minds. Much like my star analogy a month or so back, how much a given person affects our mood is based upon how influential they are and how close to them we are. We are connected to every person we interact with on a regular basis. Our memories, bodily regulations, thoughts, beliefs, and actions are influenced by this connectivity.
By creating extremely intimate relationships with our “significant others” we bring into our lives a star that is extremely close. These people warm our days and nights, and we thrive with them around us. Then we sever these connections because the relationship isn’t living up to the Hollywood Romantic-Comedy ideal. Of course it isn’t, because only in a scripted interaction could something as silly as this happen:
Jerry: Hello? Hello.
I'm lookin' for my wife.
Wait. Okay...okay...okay.
If this is where it has to happen, then this is where it has to happen.
I'm not letting you get rid of me. How about that?
This used to be my specialty. You know, I was good in a living room. They'd send me in there, and I'd do it alone. And now I just...
But tonight, our little project, our company had a very big night -- a very, very big night.
But it wasn't complete, wasn't nearly close to being in the same vicinity as complete, because I couldn't share it with you. I couldn't hear your voice or laugh about it with you. I miss my -- I miss my wife.
We live in a cynical world, a cynical world, and we work in a business of tough competitors.
I love you. You -- complete me.
And I just had --
Dorothy: Shut up. Just shut up.
You had me at hello.
You had me at hello.
That’s right, the guy screws up, and all he has to do is show up, make a long winded, horribly canned speech, and BAM! Everything is fine again. It is sweet, it is corny, and it is utter horse shit. It doesn’t work that way in real life. In real life we get into an argument and break up. Then, because we are so used to the deep limbic connections between ourselves and the person we just broke up with, things get uncomfortable. So, we remove these people from our lives to remove the discomfort. But this person was the one who we currently had the deepest limbic connections with, so things are thrown off balance. To use my earlier analogy, we are just removing the sun from our sky. What would happen to the earth without the sun? Chaos would ensue. The earth would be engulfed in almost utter darkness after perpetual sunlight. We would drift aimlessly through the cosmos. In much the same way, our moods are thrown completely out of whack when we cut someone thoroughly out of our lives.
Why would we be so affected by the loss of one relationship though? It is actually a simple explanation. In much the same way that a baby looks to its mother to learn how to react to the environment (although to a much lesser degree), humans look to each other for emotional cues during our daily life.
Don’t believe it? Well, consider the following scenarios.
A. You are cut off in traffic, and a few seconds later you come alongside the car that cut you off. The driver is singing and dancing to thumping rock music and is completely oblivious to what they just did.
B. You are cut off in traffic, and a few seconds later you come alongside the car that cut you off. The driver mouths, “Sorry” and sheepishly looks away.
It is likely that those two nearly identical scenarios would elicit completely different responses. The first would cause most people to become irritated if not outright angry. The second is more likely to cause little or no emotional reaction because the other driver is expressing regret and remorse for what they did.
Thus, when we remove the most influential limbic relationship we have, our brains need time to adapt. It is like the average person losing one of their senses. We would need time to adapt to the lack of sensory information coming to our brain by relying more heavily on our other senses. The loss of an important limbic relationship is a direct parallel to this. When we lose a major source of limbic input, we turn to secondary sources and draw more upon them, but we aren’t used to drawing on these sources for some of this information.
In our society these gains and losses of limbic relationships are omnipresent. We are a culture of serial daters. When partner A doesn’t fit our ideal, we drop them and move on to partner B, C, D, E, and F. If it isn’t us doing it, it is one of our friends, and even if one of our direct peers hasn’t recently broken up with someone, the proof is as close as the nearest newsstand. You can’t pick up a newspaper or magazine without reading something about a famous couple breaking up. Our society encourages us to “shop around” while looking for a mate.
Look at our ancestors. When marriages were arranged and divorce was highly discouraged, the prevalence of depression was much lower. Now, I am not advocating arranged marriages, I am just saying that there appears to be a correlation (this is all hypothetical at the moment of course). The introduction of serial relationships to our society may be partly responsible for the apparent depression epidemic.
____
“But George, what about people who have been single for long periods of time? Why aren’t they happy?”
“I’m getting there”
____
Unfortunately, single people in our society aren’t spared from this whirlpool. No, they are as susceptible as the daters are. As I said earlier, we are inundated with Hollywood Romance and Hollywood couples. On TV, in movies, in books and magazines, everywhere you look you see happy couple after happy couple (followed a few months later by a story about their break up, but I digress). Any single person looking at this yearns for this apparent happiness. They see the smiling faces of couples, who haven’t yet decided that their relationship isn’t Hollywood perfect and should be scrapped, and wish that it was them. The longer they remain alone, the more they get sucked into the idea that a relationship is blissful happiness.
Of course, this leads to problems when they do get into a relationship. When the lonely single person finally finds someone and gets into a relationship, they are expecting things to be as immediately perfect as the latest Romantic Comedy showed that they should be. These people are even more likely to fall victim to this kind of thinking and terminate their relationships early . . . which of course leads to them being emotionally disoriented when these new and deep limbic connections are closed off.
In our society, it appears that you are damned if you date and damned if you don’t.
8/22/2007
Oy
First off, to my friends who have been trying to support me over the past few days - Thank you all.
Second, if I get told by anyone "I never liked her" or "You deserve better" one more time, I might stab that person. I know you guys think you are being supportive, but look at it from my perspective. When I hear "I never liked her", I think "So you were just pretending to like her because I did. Any nice thing you said about her was bullshit... well great, who else do you only pretend to like because friends like them?" When I hear "You deserve better", I think "Well, if I deserve better but can't get this, how am I ever going to get better. And where the hell is better anyway? I apparently have shitty tastes in your opinion, so maybe you should point out who would be right for me."
For those of you who have actually sat down and talked to me (be it in person or over IM) thank you, but for those of you just offering canned platitudes, please stop.
Now for some song lyrics that just fit the situation - Light as the Breeze by Billy Joel (my mother would tell me that I am too damned cynical about love for my age)
Second, if I get told by anyone "I never liked her" or "You deserve better" one more time, I might stab that person. I know you guys think you are being supportive, but look at it from my perspective. When I hear "I never liked her", I think "So you were just pretending to like her because I did. Any nice thing you said about her was bullshit... well great, who else do you only pretend to like because friends like them?" When I hear "You deserve better", I think "Well, if I deserve better but can't get this, how am I ever going to get better. And where the hell is better anyway? I apparently have shitty tastes in your opinion, so maybe you should point out who would be right for me."
For those of you who have actually sat down and talked to me (be it in person or over IM) thank you, but for those of you just offering canned platitudes, please stop.
Now for some song lyrics that just fit the situation - Light as the Breeze by Billy Joel (my mother would tell me that I am too damned cynical about love for my age)
She stands before you naked
You can see it, you can taste it
But she comes to you
Light as the breeze
You can drink or you can nurse it
It don't matter how you worship
As long as you're
Down on your knees
So I knelt there at the delta
At the alpha and the omega
At the cradle of the river
And the seas
And like a blessing come from heaven,
For something like a second,
I was healed, and my heart
Was at ease
O baby I waited
So long for your kiss
For something to happen
Oh - something like this
And you're weak and you're harmless
And you're sleeping in your harness
And the wind going wild
In the trees
And it's not exactly prison
But you'll never be forgiven
For whatever you've done
With the keys
O baby I waited
So long for your kiss
For something to happen
Oh - something like this
It's dark and it's snowing
Oh my love I must be going
The river is starting to freeze
And I'm sick of pretending
I'm broken from bending
I've lived too long
On my knees
And she dances so graceful
And your heart's hard and hateful
And she's naked
But that's just a tease
And you turn in disgust
From your hatred and from your love
And she comes to you
Light as the breeze
O baby I waited
So long for your kiss
For something to happen
Oh - something like this
There's blood on every bracelet
You can see it, you can taste it
And it's please baby
Please baby please
And she says, drink deeply, pilgrim
But don't forget there's still a woman
Beneath this
Resplendent chemise
So I knelt at the delta
At the alpha and the omega
I knelt there
Like one who believes
And like a blessing come from heaven
For something like a second
I was cured, and my heart
Was at ease
O baby I waited
So long for your kiss
For something to happen
Oh - something like this
8/19/2007
Uhhhh
I know I have a tendency to be overly verbose and loquacious when typing up blogs, but today I only have three letters to explain my mood. . .
WTF?
Edit - Well, I thought three letters would be enough, but my new Jason LeVasseur CD keeps singing songs to me that are fitting as well, so I will use my earlier three letters, and here are three songs from Jason.
Edit2 - I normally don't edit my posts once, and this one is getting edited twice. Oh well. As to my earlier three letters, "Ah, ok then. Cool." And as such, two of the Jason songs go bye bye because this post is way too long.
WTF?
Edit - Well, I thought three letters would be enough, but my new Jason LeVasseur CD keeps singing songs to me that are fitting as well, so I will use my earlier three letters, and here are three songs from Jason.
Edit2 - I normally don't edit my posts once, and this one is getting edited twice. Oh well. As to my earlier three letters, "Ah, ok then. Cool." And as such, two of the Jason songs go bye bye because this post is way too long.
The World Spins Around Again
So you climbed up that hill
Just when you thought you had your fill
Took a good look at the big lights
Took a good look at the bright sights
But you never saw the warning sign you thought that you would be alright hanging out doing fine singing sweet songs in the sunshine
So can you make it home tonight
Do you think you’ll cry yourself to sleep
Will you have a dream about
Nothing ever working out
Of being that lucky one
Like that one time
you danced with the sun
And you woke up in a bed of four leaf clovers
And you picked every one
And the world spins around again
And you laugh at the way you’re feeling
And it all goes around again
And you laugh at the pretty girl singing
Aren’t you tired of getting pushed around just when you thought you’d broken out you climbed the hill and laughed at love and that’s about the time that you got pushed down
But you never saw the warning sign you thought that you would be alright hanging out doing fine singing sweet songs in the sunshine
But it’s not your time
And the world spins around again
And you laugh at the way you’re feeling
And it all goes around again
And you laugh at the pretty girl singing
Lalala lalala
Lalala lalala
Lalala lalala
La La La La La La
8/04/2007
I think too much. . .
I think it is about time for me to post something.
Work is going great, not too much to talk about there. Family, well, my family is the same as it always is (in other words, medical problems abound). They are currently on their way back home from Nashville where they vacationed this week.
My family being on vacation meant that I was home alone this week, so I did a lot of driving around to visit people. While driving, I got a chance to do one of my favorite things - ponder. I thought about a lot of things this week - life, the universe, friendship, love, and communication.
Life - Life is funny sometimes. I am currently living with my parents to save up some money before moving out on my own. I want to move out, but at the same time, I know that my parents really need my help around the house nowadays, especially with my father’s current health problems (a long and sordid story I don‘t feel like getting into at the moment. If you are reading this and don‘t already know, give me a call or drop me an e-mail and I might explain it). Because of this, I am torn. Do I move out, or do I stay and help my parents? Oi. . .
The Universe - I love having a convertible sometimes. Driving through the country at night is a beautiful experience (so is sitting out at a drive-in in a convertible). Looking at the stars always gets me to thinking. As always, it reminds me how small our little ball of dirt and water is. At the same time, looking at the stars makes me question the rationality and sanity of anyone who believes that there is no higher power. I truly don’t understand how an atheist can look at the wonder that is the universe and not believe that something sentient had a hand in its creation. Looking at the stars also inspired my next thought -
Friendship - I think that our relationships with people are much like the relationship between stars and the Earth. Every person gives off a different amount of influence on others, and every star gives off a different level of light and energy. When we are closer to a star, we see its light more brightly. It doesn’t matter that a star is naturally dimmer than another, because we are closer to the dim star it appears brighter. Friendship is like this; we find our friends to be more influential and important than other people in our lives because of our proximity to them. This of course, brings us to. . .
Love - Drawing on the exact same example, I thought about how people we truly love influence us. Someone we are truly and deeply in love with is like Sol (that is our sun if you didn’t know). When someone we love is around us we can’t see anything or anyone else. The intensity of our feelings for them wash out everything. That is why we can’t see any other stars during the day, we are too close to our sun. Sol is far from a large or bright star. Hell, it is a puny and feeble star when compared to some of the giants out there, but to us, oh to us it is different. To us, Sol is the biggest, brightest, and most important star there is, and nothing anyone can say or do can prove otherwise. Loving someone effects us in the same way. It doesn’t matter how anyone else sees the person we love, to us, they are the sun. It doesn’t matter that to everyone else they appear to be a sickly star barely flickering in the darkest of nights, we love them and that is what counts to us.
A curious thought just came to me as I was writing this. Even when the sun isn’t in the sky it tends to shed more light on us than the other stars combined. We see its luminosity reflected off of the moon, and even our darkest nights are brightened by Sol. Once again, this is like the relationship we have with those we love. Even when they aren’t around, we see them in other things and they effect our lives.
Communication - For all the talking we humans do, communicating is still one of the most difficult things we can do. How do you tell your father that the one thing you fear right now is losing him? How do you tell your parents that you are willing to sacrifice your social life, comfort, and independence to stay home and help them when the one thing they want most is for you to be able to stand on your own and see you happy? How do you tell someone that you truly love them when every other attempt to do so has been met with laughter or shocked silence? What do you do when your heart is of two minds and your mind doesn’t have the heart to force your heart to make up its mind? When is the point when you stop trying with verbal communication and move on to physical?
When? When do you stop thinking about the right things to say, and speaking, and hinting, and cajoling, and stumbling over your tongue when you want to say something important? When do you stop worrying about what might be and start thinking about what is and should be? When do you stop thinking about possible negative consequences and focus on the amazingly positive possible outcomes? When do you stop trying to express yourself with words, and you instead take her in your arms and kiss her?
. . . And what happens if I did that? What if I did just stop over thinking things and just grabbed her and kissed her the next time I saw her? What then? Would I get slapped? Would she hate me? Would I lose a friend? Would she kiss me back? Would she finally actually believe what I have been saying all along?
And now I am thinking. . . If she reads this, will she realize it is her I am talking about? How many of the people reading this know who I am actually talking about? Oh sure, most of you have guesses, but how many of you are right?
I’m just rambling on now. I guess the conclusion of the above section would be “Yes or no?” Hmm. . . Quotes:
Work is going great, not too much to talk about there. Family, well, my family is the same as it always is (in other words, medical problems abound). They are currently on their way back home from Nashville where they vacationed this week.
My family being on vacation meant that I was home alone this week, so I did a lot of driving around to visit people. While driving, I got a chance to do one of my favorite things - ponder. I thought about a lot of things this week - life, the universe, friendship, love, and communication.
Life - Life is funny sometimes. I am currently living with my parents to save up some money before moving out on my own. I want to move out, but at the same time, I know that my parents really need my help around the house nowadays, especially with my father’s current health problems (a long and sordid story I don‘t feel like getting into at the moment. If you are reading this and don‘t already know, give me a call or drop me an e-mail and I might explain it). Because of this, I am torn. Do I move out, or do I stay and help my parents? Oi. . .
The Universe - I love having a convertible sometimes. Driving through the country at night is a beautiful experience (so is sitting out at a drive-in in a convertible). Looking at the stars always gets me to thinking. As always, it reminds me how small our little ball of dirt and water is. At the same time, looking at the stars makes me question the rationality and sanity of anyone who believes that there is no higher power. I truly don’t understand how an atheist can look at the wonder that is the universe and not believe that something sentient had a hand in its creation. Looking at the stars also inspired my next thought -
Friendship - I think that our relationships with people are much like the relationship between stars and the Earth. Every person gives off a different amount of influence on others, and every star gives off a different level of light and energy. When we are closer to a star, we see its light more brightly. It doesn’t matter that a star is naturally dimmer than another, because we are closer to the dim star it appears brighter. Friendship is like this; we find our friends to be more influential and important than other people in our lives because of our proximity to them. This of course, brings us to. . .
Love - Drawing on the exact same example, I thought about how people we truly love influence us. Someone we are truly and deeply in love with is like Sol (that is our sun if you didn’t know). When someone we love is around us we can’t see anything or anyone else. The intensity of our feelings for them wash out everything. That is why we can’t see any other stars during the day, we are too close to our sun. Sol is far from a large or bright star. Hell, it is a puny and feeble star when compared to some of the giants out there, but to us, oh to us it is different. To us, Sol is the biggest, brightest, and most important star there is, and nothing anyone can say or do can prove otherwise. Loving someone effects us in the same way. It doesn’t matter how anyone else sees the person we love, to us, they are the sun. It doesn’t matter that to everyone else they appear to be a sickly star barely flickering in the darkest of nights, we love them and that is what counts to us.
A curious thought just came to me as I was writing this. Even when the sun isn’t in the sky it tends to shed more light on us than the other stars combined. We see its luminosity reflected off of the moon, and even our darkest nights are brightened by Sol. Once again, this is like the relationship we have with those we love. Even when they aren’t around, we see them in other things and they effect our lives.
Communication - For all the talking we humans do, communicating is still one of the most difficult things we can do. How do you tell your father that the one thing you fear right now is losing him? How do you tell your parents that you are willing to sacrifice your social life, comfort, and independence to stay home and help them when the one thing they want most is for you to be able to stand on your own and see you happy? How do you tell someone that you truly love them when every other attempt to do so has been met with laughter or shocked silence? What do you do when your heart is of two minds and your mind doesn’t have the heart to force your heart to make up its mind? When is the point when you stop trying with verbal communication and move on to physical?
When? When do you stop thinking about the right things to say, and speaking, and hinting, and cajoling, and stumbling over your tongue when you want to say something important? When do you stop worrying about what might be and start thinking about what is and should be? When do you stop thinking about possible negative consequences and focus on the amazingly positive possible outcomes? When do you stop trying to express yourself with words, and you instead take her in your arms and kiss her?
. . . And what happens if I did that? What if I did just stop over thinking things and just grabbed her and kissed her the next time I saw her? What then? Would I get slapped? Would she hate me? Would I lose a friend? Would she kiss me back? Would she finally actually believe what I have been saying all along?
And now I am thinking. . . If she reads this, will she realize it is her I am talking about? How many of the people reading this know who I am actually talking about? Oh sure, most of you have guesses, but how many of you are right?
I’m just rambling on now. I guess the conclusion of the above section would be “Yes or no?” Hmm. . . Quotes:
What do you do when your heart is of two minds and your mind doesn’t have the heart to force your heart to make up its mind? - George White
Am I so much to blame, that yesterday, when you were pleading
Warmly the cause of another, my heart, impulsive and wayward,
Pleaded your own, and spake out, forgetful perhaps of decorum?
Certainly you can forgive me for speaking so frankly, for saying
What I ought not to have said, yet now I can never unsay it;
For there are moments in life, when the heart is so full of emotion,
That if by chance it be shaken, or into its depths like a pebble
Drops some careless word, it overflows, and its secret,
Spilt on the ground like water, can never be gathered together.
– Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to a new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never ever the same."
Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying. Then we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day. Do it! I say. Whatever you want to do, do it now! There are only so many tomorrows. - Pope Paul VI
She was the one to hold me
The night the sky fell down
And what was I thinking when
The world didn’t end
Why didn’t I know
What I know now
Would you look at her
She looks at me
She’s got me thinking about her constantly
But she don’t know how I feel
And she carries on without a doubt
I wonder if she’s figured it out
I’m crazy for this girl - Evan and Jared “Crazy for this Girl”
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