First, I want to thank the people I have talked to about the situation for their support, kind words, and aid in distracting myself (even those of you who didn't know you were doing so). I am doing alright; right now I am just worried about my parents. They are currently showing both their parental and therapeutic sides. While having revenge fantasies, they are simultaneously worrying about said fantasies and talking about getting the whole family into counseling about the situation . . . yeah, not happening.
Second, whilst suffering from a severe bout of my insomnia, I have been rereading a book. Sometimes in books we find the exact expressions we need or sayings that just fit perfectly into situations. Tonight, I was reading White Knight by Jim Butcher and I found two perfect passages.
Here is the first, on the topic of pain.
We still hadn't learned, though, that growing up was all about getting hurt. And then getting over it. You hurt. You recover. You move on. Odds are pretty good you're just going to get hurt again. But each time you learn something.
Each time, you come out of it a little stronger, and at some point you realize that there are more flavors of pain than coffee. There's the little empty pain of leaving something behind - graduating, taking the next step forward, walking out of something familiar and safe into the unknown. There's the big whirling pain of life upending all of your plans and expectations. There's the sharp little pains of failure, and the more obscure aches of successes that don't give you what you thought they would. There are the vicious stabbing pains of hopes being torn up. The sweet little pains of finding others, giving them your love, and taking joy in their life as they grow and learn. There's the steady pain of empathy that you shrug off so you can stand beside a wounded friend and help them bear their burdens.
And if you're very, very lucky, there are a very few blazing hot little pains that you feel when you realize that you are standing in a moment of utter perfection, an instant of triumph, or happiness, or mirth which at the same time cannot possibly last - and yet will remain with you for life.
Everyone is down on pain, because they forget something important about it: Pain is for the living. Only the dead don't feel it.
Pain is a part of life. Sometimes it is a big part, and sometimes it isn't, but either way it is part of the big puzzle, the deep music, the great game. Pain does two things: It teaches you, tells you that you are alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes it leaves you stronger. Either way, pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve it in one degree or another.
The second is a conversation (between a shadow of a fallen angel and a human wizard. . . it's complicated) about the nature of anger. I am just going to include some of the dialog.
Anger is just anger. It isn’t good. It isn’t bad. It just is. What you do with it is what matters. It’s just like anything else. You can use it to build or destroy. You just have to make the choice.
Constructive anger
Also known as passion. Passion has overthrown tyrants and freed prisoners and slaves. Passion has brought justice where there is savagery. Passion has created freedom where there was nothing but fear. Passion has helped souls rise from the ashes of their horrible lives and build something better, stronger, more beautiful. In point of fact, that kind of thing really doesn’t get done without passion. Anger is one of the things that can help build it – if it’s controlled.
So yeah, I'm hurt and angry, but I am using that pain and anger. I'm not wallowing in the pain anymore. I am using it. It has become the fire with which I am tempering who I am. For too long I have been focused on petty, meaningless "pains" in my life. I focus on things I can't control or change and whine and moan about the pain they cause. If I didn't want to feel it, I could move myself the fuck away from it. No, I was complaining because I wanted someone else to do something about it for me. That is stupid, selfish, childish thinking, and I am a moron for indulging in it. I was focusing on petty things when there is real pain going on around me all the time. That is what I need to focus on.
That of course brings me to the lesson that the second passage truly embodies. In about two weeks, my outlook on life has changed. At first when I found out about what happened, I was only concerned with what I could direct my anger at. I lashed out at things (that poor Stop sign never saw it coming) and flailed about impotently. Now I am looking more closely at myself, my family, and the people I work with (staff and guys) to help me do everything I can to help PREVENT anything like it from happening in the future. While my parents are indulging in meaningless, pointless revenge fantasies still, I am trying to think of ways to get word to the community about the danger in it without exposing myself to libel or slander suits. My anger has turned into a passion to make sure everyone can do what they can to protect those they love. Every day I go to work now, I see in the face of each guy there the chance to help them and everyone they interact with. I see that I can be instrumental in making sure others don't go through what my family has.
I don't know why it took such a painful and infuriating demonstration to pound these lessons into my skull, but now that they are there, they aren't leaving.
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