An internal scenario playing out right now:
Heart - George vs Brick Wall, experiment #1023.
(George hurtles himself against a brick wall and is promptly knocked unconscious.)
Brain - Why do I keep letting you convince me to have him do this?
Heart - I think we're making headway!
Brain - Ugh.
12/12/2009
6/02/2009
Loneliness
Little do men perceive what solitude is, and how far it extendeth. For a crowd is not company, and faces are but a gallery of pictures, and talk but a tinkling cymbal, where there is no love. - Francis BaconI'm starting to actually understand this quote. It is sad, but true. I'm stuck in a dead in job where my boss apparently loathes me. My father's health is slipping away. My friends are scattered across two states, and I rarely see any of them. Even when I do, it is for fleeting periods of time and they apparently get bored with me rather quickly.
I don't know who to turn to. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am a man lost at sea. I'm at the mercy of the waves of life, and I have nobody and nothing to cling to. Right now all I want is to sit with someone, hold their hand, and tell them all the gut-wrenching feelings in my heart. My fears, my worries, my joys, my sickening doubts, and my clarion sureties. I want to share it all with someone, but I haven't found her. I haven't found the woman who wants to share that with me. I know she's out there somewhere, but the waiting is hard. The waiting is painful. I want the waiting to finally come to an end.
.
.
.
I miss you, whoever you are. I'm here, I'm waiting. Let's find each other soon.
4/16/2009
*Shrug*
This was originally posted on 1/20/09. It was the first post of my other blog (I'm Still Here), but it doesn't fit at all with the tone of the blog. Well, I've decided to move it here to my old/personal emo blog. Why? Because I can.
My unrelenting insomnia has led me to start writing blog posts again, but I didn't want to just continue my old blog. That was last updated around 7 months ago, and a lot has happened in those months. I didn't want there to be an empty hole in the blog that made it seem like nothing had happened in seven months, so I am just starting from scratch. I've saved all of my old posts. Depending on my moods and how well an old post fits, I might repost or reference them in the future, but for now, this will be a completely new blog. This post. . . well this post is approximately two years in the making. Looking back, the issues I address in this post actually started far more than two years ago, but I can point at the two year mark as the approximate point at which these things started simmering.
(Disclaimer: This rant is about how I live my life. I am not angry at anyone in particular. I don't want anyone to change how they act around me or apologize. This isn't about any one person or event. This is a buildup of events over the past several years, and something that happened at work today was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I just want anyone who reads this to understand why I might be acting differently in the days to come.)
Einstein famously said, “Only a life lived for others is worth living.”
A noble sentiment, and one that I have built my life around.
I spend my days working at a treatment facility for troubled young men. Each day I am disrespected, insulted, and generally disdained. It is a regular occurrence for me to be threatened or hit. I accept this as part of my job. I enjoy the thrill I get when I see that a young man has made a breakthrough and attributes some of his success to my help, but unfortunately such an event is rare and usually short-lived.
When I get home, I spend much of my time helping my family, but what time I don't spend with them, I usually spend online talking to friends. Often these conversations with friends become me helping them through whatever problems they are having at the moment. I sometimes spend hours acting as a relationship counselor for people; giving advice, consoling, analyzing, and empathizing from dusk till dawn. This trend continues at work, as I hear coworkers complain about their boyfriends, wives, and husbands (I'm the only non-married man on the program). I hear about the boyfriends who don't give enough attention, the wives who nag, the love interests who emotionally abuse, the husbands and boyfriends who cheat. I listen to the bitching about the forgotten anniversaries, wish happy birthday when the significant other treats it as just another day, and console through the heartbreaks.
AND I AM GETTING SICK AND TIRED OF IT ALL!
All around me I see men acting like assholes, but living with a wife and kids. I see guys cheating, lying, ignoring, and generally hurting women, who then make excuses for them, blame themselves, and in many cases go right back to the guy who just hurt them (Note that I said most cases. I have nothing but respect for my coworker who is currently splitting from her deadbeat husband). It boggles the mind.
Maybe I should have looked a little deeper into Einstein's life before I subscribed to his theory. I naively thought that judging from his statements, Einstein was a firm believer in the Golden Rule and Karma. . . HAH! The man was a womanizer whose first marriage fell apart because he was too lecherous and she left him. His second marriage (which almost didn't happen because HE ALMOST MARRIED THE WOMAN'S DAUGHTER INSTEAD) was anything but happy, and there is evidence that he had at least ten mistresses over the course of his two marriages. He was one of the men I described in the above paragraph, and yet he is described as a romantic and charming man.
I'm sick and tired of the way I've been living. What, other than the whole asshole factor, is different between me and the men I see around me? Well, tonight I think I figured it out. They did one thing very differently from me. I've taken relationship advice from countless female friends, and each and every one of them has told me that I'm a good friend, and that is what women want in a relationship. But that isn't what the guys I see in relationships have done. For the most part, they have gone into things with no illusions about being friends. They've gone into the relationship with the intent of it being a “romantic relationship” (I use quotes because most of these relationships are anything but romantic, but it is the generic term for them). Looking back at my history, I can see that most of the time I have failed to attract the interests of the women I have been interested in because I had already established myself as the “lovable, non-threatening, and always dependable buddy who's always there when Mr. Right screws up” and not as a potential partner. So, from now on, when I start a new relationship, I will assess the situation and decide “friend or lover” from the get-go.
What does this mean for my life and the people I already have relationships with? Well, I'm going to start doing a little less for everyone else and a little more for George. I'm taking less overtime and spending more time out enjoying myself in the world. I'm going to start worrying less about making everyone else happy, and a little more about making George happy. I'll probably still listen to your problems and give some advice, but don't expect me to pander anymore. I'll give my view of the situation, and then move on to another topic. I'm not your therapist, I'm not your relationship counselor. I'm George. I'm your friend, and while I will give support and advice, I won't spend five hours analyzing why your asshole/bitch of a love interest is an asshole/bitch. I'll just do that now and will refer people to this post in the future.
There you have it folks, that's my philosophy on relationships. Now if you will excuse me, I have to be at work in 15 minutes.
Now I shall end this with a quote I was shown tonight that just fits right now.
My unrelenting insomnia has led me to start writing blog posts again, but I didn't want to just continue my old blog. That was last updated around 7 months ago, and a lot has happened in those months. I didn't want there to be an empty hole in the blog that made it seem like nothing had happened in seven months, so I am just starting from scratch. I've saved all of my old posts. Depending on my moods and how well an old post fits, I might repost or reference them in the future, but for now, this will be a completely new blog. This post. . . well this post is approximately two years in the making. Looking back, the issues I address in this post actually started far more than two years ago, but I can point at the two year mark as the approximate point at which these things started simmering.
(Disclaimer: This rant is about how I live my life. I am not angry at anyone in particular. I don't want anyone to change how they act around me or apologize. This isn't about any one person or event. This is a buildup of events over the past several years, and something that happened at work today was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I just want anyone who reads this to understand why I might be acting differently in the days to come.)
Einstein famously said, “Only a life lived for others is worth living.”
A noble sentiment, and one that I have built my life around.
I spend my days working at a treatment facility for troubled young men. Each day I am disrespected, insulted, and generally disdained. It is a regular occurrence for me to be threatened or hit. I accept this as part of my job. I enjoy the thrill I get when I see that a young man has made a breakthrough and attributes some of his success to my help, but unfortunately such an event is rare and usually short-lived.
When I get home, I spend much of my time helping my family, but what time I don't spend with them, I usually spend online talking to friends. Often these conversations with friends become me helping them through whatever problems they are having at the moment. I sometimes spend hours acting as a relationship counselor for people; giving advice, consoling, analyzing, and empathizing from dusk till dawn. This trend continues at work, as I hear coworkers complain about their boyfriends, wives, and husbands (I'm the only non-married man on the program). I hear about the boyfriends who don't give enough attention, the wives who nag, the love interests who emotionally abuse, the husbands and boyfriends who cheat. I listen to the bitching about the forgotten anniversaries, wish happy birthday when the significant other treats it as just another day, and console through the heartbreaks.
AND I AM GETTING SICK AND TIRED OF IT ALL!
All around me I see men acting like assholes, but living with a wife and kids. I see guys cheating, lying, ignoring, and generally hurting women, who then make excuses for them, blame themselves, and in many cases go right back to the guy who just hurt them (Note that I said most cases. I have nothing but respect for my coworker who is currently splitting from her deadbeat husband). It boggles the mind.
Maybe I should have looked a little deeper into Einstein's life before I subscribed to his theory. I naively thought that judging from his statements, Einstein was a firm believer in the Golden Rule and Karma. . . HAH! The man was a womanizer whose first marriage fell apart because he was too lecherous and she left him. His second marriage (which almost didn't happen because HE ALMOST MARRIED THE WOMAN'S DAUGHTER INSTEAD) was anything but happy, and there is evidence that he had at least ten mistresses over the course of his two marriages. He was one of the men I described in the above paragraph, and yet he is described as a romantic and charming man.
I'm sick and tired of the way I've been living. What, other than the whole asshole factor, is different between me and the men I see around me? Well, tonight I think I figured it out. They did one thing very differently from me. I've taken relationship advice from countless female friends, and each and every one of them has told me that I'm a good friend, and that is what women want in a relationship. But that isn't what the guys I see in relationships have done. For the most part, they have gone into things with no illusions about being friends. They've gone into the relationship with the intent of it being a “romantic relationship” (I use quotes because most of these relationships are anything but romantic, but it is the generic term for them). Looking back at my history, I can see that most of the time I have failed to attract the interests of the women I have been interested in because I had already established myself as the “lovable, non-threatening, and always dependable buddy who's always there when Mr. Right screws up” and not as a potential partner. So, from now on, when I start a new relationship, I will assess the situation and decide “friend or lover” from the get-go.
What does this mean for my life and the people I already have relationships with? Well, I'm going to start doing a little less for everyone else and a little more for George. I'm taking less overtime and spending more time out enjoying myself in the world. I'm going to start worrying less about making everyone else happy, and a little more about making George happy. I'll probably still listen to your problems and give some advice, but don't expect me to pander anymore. I'll give my view of the situation, and then move on to another topic. I'm not your therapist, I'm not your relationship counselor. I'm George. I'm your friend, and while I will give support and advice, I won't spend five hours analyzing why your asshole/bitch of a love interest is an asshole/bitch. I'll just do that now and will refer people to this post in the future.
Why is [Insert name here] acting the way [he/she] is?
Well you see, it is quite simple. Assholes are assholes, and bitches are bitches. Contrary to popular belief, if a person is an asshole or bitch, they tend to stay that way. Cheaters cheat. Liars lie. Abusers abuse. That is the way things go. If you realize that someone is an asshole or bitch, leave them. Now, I am not saying that if someone makes a mistake you should drop them like a hot stone. Humans make mistakes. It is when they do the same thing repeatedly that it can be identified as a pattern or habit, and those are extremely hard to change in any significant way.
Move on with your life and find someone who is better for you. Don't give someone infinite chances because you love them. If they loved you back in the same way, they wouldn't keep doing whatever it is that hurts you... at least, if you have opened your mouth and expressed that what they are doing is hurtful. If not, then grow the fuck up and do so.
There you have it folks, that's my philosophy on relationships. Now if you will excuse me, I have to be at work in 15 minutes.
Now I shall end this with a quote I was shown tonight that just fits right now.
"The moral purpose of a man’s life is the achievement of his own happiness. This does not mean that he is indifferent to all men, that human life is of no value to him and that he has no reason to help others in an emergency. But it does mean that he does not subordinate his life to the welfare of others, that he does not sacrifice himself to their needs, that the relief of their suffering is not his primary concern, that any help he gives is an exception, not a rule, an act of generosity, not of moral duty, that it is marginal and incidental—as disasters are marginal and incidental in the course of human existence—and that values, not disasters, are the goal, the first concern and the motive power of his life." - The Ethics of Emergencies, "The Virtue of Selfishness," 49.
6/09/2008
The Power of PostSecret
For those of you who have never heard of it, PostSecret.com is a blog that began as a community art project by Frank Warren. It started as him handing out some postcards and asking people to write their secrets on them and mail them to him. What started out small, grew and grew. Nowadays Frank gets around 200 postcards a day. People from all over the world pour out their secrets on these postcards.
Why?
What is it about anonymously divulging one's secrets that is so cathartic? Why have millions of people read the secrets on the blog? Why are there over a million topics on the official PostSecret message boards (that's just the number of topics, not the number of responses)? Why have people begun sticking their postcards into copies of the four PostSecret books in bookstores across the country? And why have people decided to stop being anonymous and start divulging their secrets on the Facebook fan page for PostSecret?
Because we as a society hold too many secrets. Everyone grows up too afraid to be themselves. In reading every PostSecret online, all four books, and the postcard that I found stuck in one of those books, I have found myself moved to tears countless times over the past month or so. Humans are simultaneously immensely frail and immensely strong.
I've also learned quite a bit about myself. I've learned why I have been so focused on "being honest" and "expressing my feelings" in the past on this blog. . . I've been hiding things from myself and everyone I care about. I know why I act the ways that I do. I've learned more about myself while learning about thousands of people I've never met than I have in hours of insomnia induced introspection.
While reading a list of people's secrets on the Facebook profile that started Saturday June 7th at 8:45pm and already has probably two or three thousand secrets on it, I found the strength to post some of my own. Unfortunately, Facebook limits the length that a comment on a picture can be, and I ended up cutting quite a few of the things I wanted to say. Here is the comment I wrote (with some of the things more fully explained) and the things I wanted to say but didn't have the room for.
- I've read this entire thread in one sitting, and feel closer to people here than I do to some of my "friends"
- I feel out of place and alone with all but a handful of people. They keep me sane... but I haven't seen any of them in almost two months.
- I wish I didn't always feel the need to be the strong one, the reliable one, and the understanding one. I've only shown my full emotional weakness to one person, ever, and I don't think she even realizes it. I almost had a nervous breakdown that night, but talking to her, even for that few minutes, allowed me to make the drive home and sleep for the first time in almost a week.
- I didn't cry at my grandmother's funeral because my dad was too close to having a nervous breakdown, and someone had to take care of my disabled brother. I wanted nothing more than to throw my arms around my dad and ask why she was gone... but I couldn't because I knew he wouldn't be able to handle it.
- I want nothing more in this world than to move away from this tiny shithole and closer to my friends, but I don't know how my parents would cope without me around. I'm afraid to think how long I am going to stay here because I am scared of leaving my family without help.
- I am deathly afraid that I am constantly missing out on happiness because my heart won't let me let go of her... the one I never really had.
- I wish I could explain to my parents the reason I hate my adopted sisters so much, but I can't. They already blame themselves for all the shit the two of them put our family through, and if they knew the whole extent it would kill them. The scariest part is that I think my mom suspects the reason, but because she knows what it would do to my dad, avoids any mention of it.
- When you get down to it, I want nothing more in this world than to just own a little book store. I don't really want to be a psychologist, psychiatrist, professor, social worker, case manager, or therapist. I want to be the weirdo who owns a little bookshop and sits around reading behind the counter all day.
- I sit up till two or three every morning, not just because I have insomnia, but because I am sitting around thinking about all the people in my life I could have been closer to, the people I have drifted away from, and the people who, for reasons unknown to me, have distanced themselves from me.
- I'm not even close to being as happy in real life as I act around other people.
- I'm the nice guy who does everything he can for everyone, because I fear that if I don't, if I tell people no (ie. "No, sorry, I can't drop everything and help you for the fifth day in a row", "No, I don't want to hear you bitch and moan about how crappy your boyfriend is", "No, I won't work on my day off for the third straight week", "No, I won't cover your shift so you can go on a date", etc.), then I won't have any friends. I don't know any other way to connect to people. I give and give and give in the hopes that at some point in time someone will give back as much to me.
- For some reason, it seems that the women I love can't love me and the women who love me I can't love. I don't know why or how, but it just seems to be a recurring cycle.
- I write in this blog because I can't say things to people face to face. I'm too scared of the personal rejection that could come of it. I've been rejected so many times in life that I just am sick and tired of it. I'm not sure how I will react if it happens one more time, but I worry about the things I miss out on because I can't express myself in person.
- I hate to see people in pain. There is nothing more heart wrenching and agonizing to me than someone I care about in pain. I would rather be in constant pain than allow one person I love to feel discomfort.
- I read quotes because they let me know that somewhere, at some point in time, someone felt the same way I do. It give me a connection to someone in this lonely universe.
- I have one secret, alluded to in one of the above points, that was too horrible to admit to anyone, even myself, until recently. As it is, I still can't bring myself to share it with anyone. I can only think of seven people in the world that I trust enough to tell, but I can't and won't burden them with anything like this.
- After writing each one of these things down, I felt knots of tension in my shoulders and neck loosen. I am more relaxed than I have been in weeks, and it is all because I am letting myself admit to these things. Sure, I had thought them, but I think that by keeping them inside I had denied them even to myself.
If you read this, whether I know you or not, I hope that it prompts you to relieve yourself of your secrets. Be it to me (via comment, e-mail, or phone call), PostSecret, someone you trust, or something as simple as an anonymous note stuck in a book at a store, let them go. Let whatever secrets you are holding inside of you out to someone somewhere. The experience is uplifting and cathartic.
Why?
What is it about anonymously divulging one's secrets that is so cathartic? Why have millions of people read the secrets on the blog? Why are there over a million topics on the official PostSecret message boards (that's just the number of topics, not the number of responses)? Why have people begun sticking their postcards into copies of the four PostSecret books in bookstores across the country? And why have people decided to stop being anonymous and start divulging their secrets on the Facebook fan page for PostSecret?
Because we as a society hold too many secrets. Everyone grows up too afraid to be themselves. In reading every PostSecret online, all four books, and the postcard that I found stuck in one of those books, I have found myself moved to tears countless times over the past month or so. Humans are simultaneously immensely frail and immensely strong.
I've also learned quite a bit about myself. I've learned why I have been so focused on "being honest" and "expressing my feelings" in the past on this blog. . . I've been hiding things from myself and everyone I care about. I know why I act the ways that I do. I've learned more about myself while learning about thousands of people I've never met than I have in hours of insomnia induced introspection.
While reading a list of people's secrets on the Facebook profile that started Saturday June 7th at 8:45pm and already has probably two or three thousand secrets on it, I found the strength to post some of my own. Unfortunately, Facebook limits the length that a comment on a picture can be, and I ended up cutting quite a few of the things I wanted to say. Here is the comment I wrote (with some of the things more fully explained) and the things I wanted to say but didn't have the room for.
- I've read this entire thread in one sitting, and feel closer to people here than I do to some of my "friends"
- I feel out of place and alone with all but a handful of people. They keep me sane... but I haven't seen any of them in almost two months.
- I wish I didn't always feel the need to be the strong one, the reliable one, and the understanding one. I've only shown my full emotional weakness to one person, ever, and I don't think she even realizes it. I almost had a nervous breakdown that night, but talking to her, even for that few minutes, allowed me to make the drive home and sleep for the first time in almost a week.
- I didn't cry at my grandmother's funeral because my dad was too close to having a nervous breakdown, and someone had to take care of my disabled brother. I wanted nothing more than to throw my arms around my dad and ask why she was gone... but I couldn't because I knew he wouldn't be able to handle it.
- I want nothing more in this world than to move away from this tiny shithole and closer to my friends, but I don't know how my parents would cope without me around. I'm afraid to think how long I am going to stay here because I am scared of leaving my family without help.
- I am deathly afraid that I am constantly missing out on happiness because my heart won't let me let go of her... the one I never really had.
- I wish I could explain to my parents the reason I hate my adopted sisters so much, but I can't. They already blame themselves for all the shit the two of them put our family through, and if they knew the whole extent it would kill them. The scariest part is that I think my mom suspects the reason, but because she knows what it would do to my dad, avoids any mention of it.
- When you get down to it, I want nothing more in this world than to just own a little book store. I don't really want to be a psychologist, psychiatrist, professor, social worker, case manager, or therapist. I want to be the weirdo who owns a little bookshop and sits around reading behind the counter all day.
- I sit up till two or three every morning, not just because I have insomnia, but because I am sitting around thinking about all the people in my life I could have been closer to, the people I have drifted away from, and the people who, for reasons unknown to me, have distanced themselves from me.
- I'm not even close to being as happy in real life as I act around other people.
- I'm the nice guy who does everything he can for everyone, because I fear that if I don't, if I tell people no (ie. "No, sorry, I can't drop everything and help you for the fifth day in a row", "No, I don't want to hear you bitch and moan about how crappy your boyfriend is", "No, I won't work on my day off for the third straight week", "No, I won't cover your shift so you can go on a date", etc.), then I won't have any friends. I don't know any other way to connect to people. I give and give and give in the hopes that at some point in time someone will give back as much to me.
- For some reason, it seems that the women I love can't love me and the women who love me I can't love. I don't know why or how, but it just seems to be a recurring cycle.
- I write in this blog because I can't say things to people face to face. I'm too scared of the personal rejection that could come of it. I've been rejected so many times in life that I just am sick and tired of it. I'm not sure how I will react if it happens one more time, but I worry about the things I miss out on because I can't express myself in person.
- I hate to see people in pain. There is nothing more heart wrenching and agonizing to me than someone I care about in pain. I would rather be in constant pain than allow one person I love to feel discomfort.
- I read quotes because they let me know that somewhere, at some point in time, someone felt the same way I do. It give me a connection to someone in this lonely universe.
- I have one secret, alluded to in one of the above points, that was too horrible to admit to anyone, even myself, until recently. As it is, I still can't bring myself to share it with anyone. I can only think of seven people in the world that I trust enough to tell, but I can't and won't burden them with anything like this.
- After writing each one of these things down, I felt knots of tension in my shoulders and neck loosen. I am more relaxed than I have been in weeks, and it is all because I am letting myself admit to these things. Sure, I had thought them, but I think that by keeping them inside I had denied them even to myself.
If you read this, whether I know you or not, I hope that it prompts you to relieve yourself of your secrets. Be it to me (via comment, e-mail, or phone call), PostSecret, someone you trust, or something as simple as an anonymous note stuck in a book at a store, let them go. Let whatever secrets you are holding inside of you out to someone somewhere. The experience is uplifting and cathartic.
3/08/2008
Thoughts written down at 2am while slightly. . .well really. . . intoxicated.
Yeah, so as the title says, I am somewhat intoxicated. As past evidence has shown, this doesn't really effect my grasp of the English language, so I figure I am fine. It might take me around twice as long to write what I want to, but oh well.
So, over the past week I have come to several conclusions. Here are a few of them. . .
1. My dogs lose almost all control of their bodily functions when my parents leave.
2. I need to interact with someone somewhere other than work at least once a day, or I go crazy.
3. The guys at work tend to ask a lot of really simple questions, which tends to get on one's nerves when he hasn't had much sleep.
4. I love who I love, and though I can't change that (or the way they feel), I can pretend to ignore it and focus my energy on interests that might prove more . . . profitable, successful, fulfilling, etc. in the end.
5. I have to go to Las Vegas at some point soon. . . and I might be accompanied by a co-worker. . . and in this case, I wouldn't really mind.
6. I make far more crude jokes while drunk than while sober.
7. When I know that I don't have to drive myself home, I am far more willing to drink and accept drinks.
8. I miss my real friends while I am sitting at home or at a local bar. . .
Yeah, number 8 is the most relevant at the moment.
Quotes to fill space. . .
So, over the past week I have come to several conclusions. Here are a few of them. . .
1. My dogs lose almost all control of their bodily functions when my parents leave.
2. I need to interact with someone somewhere other than work at least once a day, or I go crazy.
3. The guys at work tend to ask a lot of really simple questions, which tends to get on one's nerves when he hasn't had much sleep.
4. I love who I love, and though I can't change that (or the way they feel), I can pretend to ignore it and focus my energy on interests that might prove more . . . profitable, successful, fulfilling, etc. in the end.
5. I have to go to Las Vegas at some point soon. . . and I might be accompanied by a co-worker. . . and in this case, I wouldn't really mind.
6. I make far more crude jokes while drunk than while sober.
7. When I know that I don't have to drive myself home, I am far more willing to drink and accept drinks.
8. I miss my real friends while I am sitting at home or at a local bar. . .
Yeah, number 8 is the most relevant at the moment.
Quotes to fill space. . .
If you had one phone call to make before you died, who would you call, what would you say, and why are you WAITING?To this I say that I know who I would call and what I would say, but then again, it has all been said before, so it isn't like I am really waiting.
Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they have the power to change the world - Buddha
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” – Neil Gaiman
2/23/2008
Titles are superfluous
Here is a nice little paraphrasing of an inner dialogue I had earlier. (Note, most people have inner angels and demons. . . I have an inner Jekyll and Hyde because I am fully willing to admit that my less than 'nice' feelings are actually mine.)
[Jekyll is as always trying to cover Hyde's mouth and hold him down so he can't act.]
Jekyll: George, I know that you are stressed and conflicted, but you know I am right. Just sit back, take it all in, and wait it out.
George: Yeah, that's really worked in the past, Jekyll. Honestly, I don't know why I listen to you sometimes.
[Jekyll, startled by the comment, loses his grip on Hyde. Hyde takes full advantage of the situation and proceeds to put Jekyll in a sleeper hold.]
Hyde: Fuck yeah George! Screw this pansy and his "sit back and wait" philosophies. Lets go out there and grab what life offers. If he works, "Fuckin' sweet". If not, well hell, there are plenty of other ways to have fun out there.
[George and Hyde run off to have fun, leaving the unconscious Jekyll in a heap on the floor.]
[Jekyll is as always trying to cover Hyde's mouth and hold him down so he can't act.]
Jekyll: George, I know that you are stressed and conflicted, but you know I am right. Just sit back, take it all in, and wait it out.
George: Yeah, that's really worked in the past, Jekyll. Honestly, I don't know why I listen to you sometimes.
[Jekyll, startled by the comment, loses his grip on Hyde. Hyde takes full advantage of the situation and proceeds to put Jekyll in a sleeper hold.]
Hyde: Fuck yeah George! Screw this pansy and his "sit back and wait" philosophies. Lets go out there and grab what life offers. If he works, "Fuckin' sweet". If not, well hell, there are plenty of other ways to have fun out there.
[George and Hyde run off to have fun, leaving the unconscious Jekyll in a heap on the floor.]
2/15/2008
(Insert Witty Title Here)
Given all the shit that has been going on, I just felt a need to write. If you don't know the details of what has been going on, ask me. I will probably tell you if you REALLY feel like being depressed, but I don't want to just post it online. Alright, now to the actual body of this thing.
First, I want to thank the people I have talked to about the situation for their support, kind words, and aid in distracting myself (even those of you who didn't know you were doing so). I am doing alright; right now I am just worried about my parents. They are currently showing both their parental and therapeutic sides. While having revenge fantasies, they are simultaneously worrying about said fantasies and talking about getting the whole family into counseling about the situation . . . yeah, not happening.
Second, whilst suffering from a severe bout of my insomnia, I have been rereading a book. Sometimes in books we find the exact expressions we need or sayings that just fit perfectly into situations. Tonight, I was reading White Knight by Jim Butcher and I found two perfect passages.
Here is the first, on the topic of pain.
The second is a conversation (between a shadow of a fallen angel and a human wizard. . . it's complicated) about the nature of anger. I am just going to include some of the dialog.
So yeah, I'm hurt and angry, but I am using that pain and anger. I'm not wallowing in the pain anymore. I am using it. It has become the fire with which I am tempering who I am. For too long I have been focused on petty, meaningless "pains" in my life. I focus on things I can't control or change and whine and moan about the pain they cause. If I didn't want to feel it, I could move myself the fuck away from it. No, I was complaining because I wanted someone else to do something about it for me. That is stupid, selfish, childish thinking, and I am a moron for indulging in it. I was focusing on petty things when there is real pain going on around me all the time. That is what I need to focus on.
That of course brings me to the lesson that the second passage truly embodies. In about two weeks, my outlook on life has changed. At first when I found out about what happened, I was only concerned with what I could direct my anger at. I lashed out at things (that poor Stop sign never saw it coming) and flailed about impotently. Now I am looking more closely at myself, my family, and the people I work with (staff and guys) to help me do everything I can to help PREVENT anything like it from happening in the future. While my parents are indulging in meaningless, pointless revenge fantasies still, I am trying to think of ways to get word to the community about the danger in it without exposing myself to libel or slander suits. My anger has turned into a passion to make sure everyone can do what they can to protect those they love. Every day I go to work now, I see in the face of each guy there the chance to help them and everyone they interact with. I see that I can be instrumental in making sure others don't go through what my family has.
I don't know why it took such a painful and infuriating demonstration to pound these lessons into my skull, but now that they are there, they aren't leaving.
First, I want to thank the people I have talked to about the situation for their support, kind words, and aid in distracting myself (even those of you who didn't know you were doing so). I am doing alright; right now I am just worried about my parents. They are currently showing both their parental and therapeutic sides. While having revenge fantasies, they are simultaneously worrying about said fantasies and talking about getting the whole family into counseling about the situation . . . yeah, not happening.
Second, whilst suffering from a severe bout of my insomnia, I have been rereading a book. Sometimes in books we find the exact expressions we need or sayings that just fit perfectly into situations. Tonight, I was reading White Knight by Jim Butcher and I found two perfect passages.
Here is the first, on the topic of pain.
We still hadn't learned, though, that growing up was all about getting hurt. And then getting over it. You hurt. You recover. You move on. Odds are pretty good you're just going to get hurt again. But each time you learn something.
Each time, you come out of it a little stronger, and at some point you realize that there are more flavors of pain than coffee. There's the little empty pain of leaving something behind - graduating, taking the next step forward, walking out of something familiar and safe into the unknown. There's the big whirling pain of life upending all of your plans and expectations. There's the sharp little pains of failure, and the more obscure aches of successes that don't give you what you thought they would. There are the vicious stabbing pains of hopes being torn up. The sweet little pains of finding others, giving them your love, and taking joy in their life as they grow and learn. There's the steady pain of empathy that you shrug off so you can stand beside a wounded friend and help them bear their burdens.
And if you're very, very lucky, there are a very few blazing hot little pains that you feel when you realize that you are standing in a moment of utter perfection, an instant of triumph, or happiness, or mirth which at the same time cannot possibly last - and yet will remain with you for life.
Everyone is down on pain, because they forget something important about it: Pain is for the living. Only the dead don't feel it.
Pain is a part of life. Sometimes it is a big part, and sometimes it isn't, but either way it is part of the big puzzle, the deep music, the great game. Pain does two things: It teaches you, tells you that you are alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes it leaves you stronger. Either way, pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve it in one degree or another.
The second is a conversation (between a shadow of a fallen angel and a human wizard. . . it's complicated) about the nature of anger. I am just going to include some of the dialog.
Anger is just anger. It isn’t good. It isn’t bad. It just is. What you do with it is what matters. It’s just like anything else. You can use it to build or destroy. You just have to make the choice.
Constructive anger
Also known as passion. Passion has overthrown tyrants and freed prisoners and slaves. Passion has brought justice where there is savagery. Passion has created freedom where there was nothing but fear. Passion has helped souls rise from the ashes of their horrible lives and build something better, stronger, more beautiful. In point of fact, that kind of thing really doesn’t get done without passion. Anger is one of the things that can help build it – if it’s controlled.
So yeah, I'm hurt and angry, but I am using that pain and anger. I'm not wallowing in the pain anymore. I am using it. It has become the fire with which I am tempering who I am. For too long I have been focused on petty, meaningless "pains" in my life. I focus on things I can't control or change and whine and moan about the pain they cause. If I didn't want to feel it, I could move myself the fuck away from it. No, I was complaining because I wanted someone else to do something about it for me. That is stupid, selfish, childish thinking, and I am a moron for indulging in it. I was focusing on petty things when there is real pain going on around me all the time. That is what I need to focus on.
That of course brings me to the lesson that the second passage truly embodies. In about two weeks, my outlook on life has changed. At first when I found out about what happened, I was only concerned with what I could direct my anger at. I lashed out at things (that poor Stop sign never saw it coming) and flailed about impotently. Now I am looking more closely at myself, my family, and the people I work with (staff and guys) to help me do everything I can to help PREVENT anything like it from happening in the future. While my parents are indulging in meaningless, pointless revenge fantasies still, I am trying to think of ways to get word to the community about the danger in it without exposing myself to libel or slander suits. My anger has turned into a passion to make sure everyone can do what they can to protect those they love. Every day I go to work now, I see in the face of each guy there the chance to help them and everyone they interact with. I see that I can be instrumental in making sure others don't go through what my family has.
I don't know why it took such a painful and infuriating demonstration to pound these lessons into my skull, but now that they are there, they aren't leaving.
1/06/2008
Widowers, Teenage Pregnancy, Suicide, and Psychotic Breaks - Oh my!
You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies. - Steve Martin
That's right Steve, movies are one of the most prevalent medias in our culture today... And I am addicted to them. Upon a recent count spurred by curiosity as to how many movies I actually watched this past year, I came up with a startling number. I watched 62 new releases in 2007. That doesn't mean that I watched 62 movies I hadn't seen before, that means that I watched 62 movies that were released in theaters in 2007. That is more than one new movie a week.
Granted, I didn't watch them all in the theater, but many of them I did. Heck, I even drove long distances for some of them (some just so I could watch it with friends, others because I couldn't find them locally).
Here is an alphabetical list of the movies I watched:
"300"
"3:10 To Yuma"
"Across The Universe"
"Alvin And the Chipmunks Movie"
"August Rush"
"Balls Of Fury"
"Beowulf"
"Blades Of Glory"
"The Bourne Ultimatum"
"Bridge To Terabithia"
"Dan In Real Life"
"Disturbia"
“Dragon Wars”
"Enchanted"
"Evan Almighty"
"The Ex"
"Fantastic Four 2"
"Fracture"
"Ghost Rider"
"The Golden Compass"
"Good Luck Chuck"
"Hairspray The Movie"
"Hannibal Rising"
"Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Movie"
"Hot Fuzz"
"I Am Legend"
"I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry"
"The Invasion"
"Juno"
"Knocked Up"
"Lars And The Real Girl"
“License to Wed”
"Live Free Or Die Hard"
“Meet the Robinsons”
"Mr. Brooks"
"National Treasure 2"
"The Number 23"
"Ocean's 13"
"Peaceful Warrior"
"Pirates Of The Caribbean 3"
"Premonition"
“Pride”
"Ratatouille"
"Rush Hour 3"
"The Seeker: Dark Is Rising"
"Shoot Em Up"
"Shrek 3"
"The Simpsons Movie"
“Spiderman 3"
"Stardust"
"Stomp The Yard"
"Superbad"
"Sweeney Todd Movie"
"TMNT (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)"
"Transformers The Movie "
"Wild Hogs"
"Wristcutters"
"Zodiac"
While 2007 was a year of sequels and huge blockbusters, my favorites of the year were neither. Three of my four favorite movies of the year I had to drive 80 miles to find because they were limited releases. The fourth I saw on my local theater's "Arthouse" screen (Yeah, I now watch Arthouse movies).
My top four movies of the year (Not really in any order because I can't pick an order) were Dan in Real Life, Juno, Wristcutters: A Love Story, and Lars and the Real Girl. Each and every one of these movies was incredibly character driven, which is a rarity in today's theaters.
Dan in Real Life - The touching story of a widower struggling to raise his three daughters. He thinks everything is going alright, right up until he meets the woman of his dreams... only to then learn that she is his brother's girlfriend. The characters are realistic and so easy to relate to that you care about them by the end of the movie, and not just in a silly "What's gonna happen" way like with most movies. While not normally a Dane Cook fan, he actually pulled off the role of the spoiled younger brother who is desperately trying to show he can change for a woman he loves, while the normally slapstick Steve Carell plays a man who is easy to empathize with, lovable, and believably confused as he tries to raise three girls as a lone man.
Juno - Between Ellen Page, J.K. Simmons, and Michael Cera, this movie has an amazing cast and the characters and funny, yet believable. A comedy that also tugs on the heartstrings. Ellen Page was rightfully nominated for a best actress award, and I hope to god she wins. Michael Cera is quickly becoming one of my favorite new actors with his honest and realistic humor and insecurity. With Jennifer Garner, Jason Bateman, and J.K. Simmons as the supporting cast, Juno was a great movie that I will probably watch again in theaters now that it has expanded.
Wristcutters: A Love Story - How do you make a movie about people who have committed suicide living in the next world and searching for a meaning to their existence (whether that be an ex-girlfriend who killed herself too or the people in charge so you can tell them you didn't commit suicide, you just OD'ed), well someone managed to, and it is a great movie. The attention to detail shown in this movie is astounding. Nobody in this afterlife can smile, but they don't mention it until halfway through the movie, and by then you finally realize that nobody has smiled yet. The little things like that make all the difference in this kind of movie.
Lars and the Real Girl - Over the years, Ryan Gosling has shown himself as an incredibly versatile actor who can be anything from a cold-blooded killer to a young man in the throws of love. In Lars and the Real Girl, he does an incredible job of portraying a man with a serious psychological problem. A man who has problems relating to people and connecting with them buys a realistic sex doll and introduces her around as his girlfriend he met online. The entire town he lives in pulls together to make sure that "she" is made to feel at home. A heartfelt movie about what people will do for people they care about.
Well, that is a short blurb about my four favorite movies of the year, and now for a disclaimer:
If you care about your sanity, soul, mind, or eyes, don't - I repeat, DON'T - watch Dragon Wars. Between the horrible dialog, shoddy plot holes, ridiculous twists, and completely stupid Deus ex Machinas, Dragon Wars was an utter affront to my sensibilities.
That's right Steve, movies are one of the most prevalent medias in our culture today... And I am addicted to them. Upon a recent count spurred by curiosity as to how many movies I actually watched this past year, I came up with a startling number. I watched 62 new releases in 2007. That doesn't mean that I watched 62 movies I hadn't seen before, that means that I watched 62 movies that were released in theaters in 2007. That is more than one new movie a week.
Granted, I didn't watch them all in the theater, but many of them I did. Heck, I even drove long distances for some of them (some just so I could watch it with friends, others because I couldn't find them locally).
Here is an alphabetical list of the movies I watched:
"300"
"3:10 To Yuma"
"Across The Universe"
"Alvin And the Chipmunks Movie"
"August Rush"
"Balls Of Fury"
"Beowulf"
"Blades Of Glory"
"The Bourne Ultimatum"
"Bridge To Terabithia"
"Dan In Real Life"
"Disturbia"
“Dragon Wars”
"Enchanted"
"Evan Almighty"
"The Ex"
"Fantastic Four 2"
"Fracture"
"Ghost Rider"
"The Golden Compass"
"Good Luck Chuck"
"Hairspray The Movie"
"Hannibal Rising"
"Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Movie"
"Hot Fuzz"
"I Am Legend"
"I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry"
"The Invasion"
"Juno"
"Knocked Up"
"Lars And The Real Girl"
“License to Wed”
"Live Free Or Die Hard"
“Meet the Robinsons”
"Mr. Brooks"
"National Treasure 2"
"The Number 23"
"Ocean's 13"
"Peaceful Warrior"
"Pirates Of The Caribbean 3"
"Premonition"
“Pride”
"Ratatouille"
"Rush Hour 3"
"The Seeker: Dark Is Rising"
"Shoot Em Up"
"Shrek 3"
"The Simpsons Movie"
“Spiderman 3"
"Stardust"
"Stomp The Yard"
"Superbad"
"Sweeney Todd Movie"
"TMNT (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)"
"Transformers The Movie "
"Wild Hogs"
"Wristcutters"
"Zodiac"
While 2007 was a year of sequels and huge blockbusters, my favorites of the year were neither. Three of my four favorite movies of the year I had to drive 80 miles to find because they were limited releases. The fourth I saw on my local theater's "Arthouse" screen (Yeah, I now watch Arthouse movies).
My top four movies of the year (Not really in any order because I can't pick an order) were Dan in Real Life, Juno, Wristcutters: A Love Story, and Lars and the Real Girl. Each and every one of these movies was incredibly character driven, which is a rarity in today's theaters.
Dan in Real Life - The touching story of a widower struggling to raise his three daughters. He thinks everything is going alright, right up until he meets the woman of his dreams... only to then learn that she is his brother's girlfriend. The characters are realistic and so easy to relate to that you care about them by the end of the movie, and not just in a silly "What's gonna happen" way like with most movies. While not normally a Dane Cook fan, he actually pulled off the role of the spoiled younger brother who is desperately trying to show he can change for a woman he loves, while the normally slapstick Steve Carell plays a man who is easy to empathize with, lovable, and believably confused as he tries to raise three girls as a lone man.
Juno - Between Ellen Page, J.K. Simmons, and Michael Cera, this movie has an amazing cast and the characters and funny, yet believable. A comedy that also tugs on the heartstrings. Ellen Page was rightfully nominated for a best actress award, and I hope to god she wins. Michael Cera is quickly becoming one of my favorite new actors with his honest and realistic humor and insecurity. With Jennifer Garner, Jason Bateman, and J.K. Simmons as the supporting cast, Juno was a great movie that I will probably watch again in theaters now that it has expanded.
Wristcutters: A Love Story - How do you make a movie about people who have committed suicide living in the next world and searching for a meaning to their existence (whether that be an ex-girlfriend who killed herself too or the people in charge so you can tell them you didn't commit suicide, you just OD'ed), well someone managed to, and it is a great movie. The attention to detail shown in this movie is astounding. Nobody in this afterlife can smile, but they don't mention it until halfway through the movie, and by then you finally realize that nobody has smiled yet. The little things like that make all the difference in this kind of movie.
Lars and the Real Girl - Over the years, Ryan Gosling has shown himself as an incredibly versatile actor who can be anything from a cold-blooded killer to a young man in the throws of love. In Lars and the Real Girl, he does an incredible job of portraying a man with a serious psychological problem. A man who has problems relating to people and connecting with them buys a realistic sex doll and introduces her around as his girlfriend he met online. The entire town he lives in pulls together to make sure that "she" is made to feel at home. A heartfelt movie about what people will do for people they care about.
Well, that is a short blurb about my four favorite movies of the year, and now for a disclaimer:
If you care about your sanity, soul, mind, or eyes, don't - I repeat, DON'T - watch Dragon Wars. Between the horrible dialog, shoddy plot holes, ridiculous twists, and completely stupid Deus ex Machinas, Dragon Wars was an utter affront to my sensibilities.
12/01/2007
A Long Overdue Ramble
So, over the past couple of months I have written up a few blog posts, but after writing each one I would read it and scrap it. Some were too whiny (even for me), some were a little too revealing (don't think my family would appreciate some of the personal health problems I would have been posting), and a few were just too personal. Over the past couple years I have put up plenty of stuff that is VERY personal on my blog, but these were a little much even for me.
So here is this post. I am just going to ramble on about whatever comes to mind; I'll probably throw in some song lyrics and/or quotes too. We shall see.
Work: Work is hell. Ok, not hell, but it is stressful. I could leave it at that, but I won't. The past few weeks at work have been too hectic. Between holidays, deaths, and many outings, things are just running at 1oo miles a second and I can't seem to keep caught up. Now, not everything is bad. I mean, some of the outings are great. I mean, I got paid to drive up to Chicago, watch Phantom of the Opera, and eat at a Chinese buffet - awesome. Last week I got paid to go Christmas shopping and then got a $30 meal at Red Lobster. When you couple these fun things with the emotional boosts you get when you realize how much you are actually helping some of these guys, and the job is great. It can be REALLY stressful though.
Family: Hey regular readers, I have a shock for you! My family members are sick! Ok, if you know anything about my family or have read about half of my blog posts, you know that my family is always sick. If it isn't my mom's knee or shoulder, it is my brother's gastro-intestinal system, or my dad's neck, back, diabetes, arthritis, heart, or whatever his newest unknown malady is. This time it is Dad, Tom, and my aunt all at once. Oh, and my ankle has been acting up lately too. Luckily my family's doctor is great. I mean, the man refuses to let us call him anything but his first name, and has a habit of theatrically joking with us. Take this example:
In addition to the health problems in my family, I am also suffering from another problem regarding them. I am feeling weird when I'm around most of my cousins of a like age. Currently there are five of us who have graduated from high school, and I am the only one who isn't married. Ok, sure, all of the others got married because they either got pregnant or got someone pregnant, but still. It feels weird to look around at a family gathering and realize that I am the only legal adult in my generation without a significant other. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to have any kids yet, and I am glad I am not on the fast track to whitetrashdom like some of my cousins (nothing like leaving the Navy because you got pregnant and spending the rest of your life working at McDonalds).
Edumacation: In two weeks I am taking my GRE so I can finish my applications to various Grad schools. I'm torn though. I want to go to grad school and get my Master's, but at the same time I want to be home to help my parents. I want to get a higher paying job that I can consider a career, but I want to pay off my student loans as soon as possible. I want to get out of my hometown, but I want to be able to visit friends. It is an interesting conundrum. I'm going to go ahead and apply though, and see what my options are after that.
Women/Love/Romance/Relationship Status: Uhhh. . . . not sure at the moment. I think there is one person who fully knows what is going on with me right now (and that is because I had another case of "George has no internal filter when intoxicated" syndrome... Yeah sorry about that again, even if you refuse to allow me to say sorry). If you want to know what is going on with me, ask and depending on my mood I might tell you.
Random Thoughts: Hmmm, what random thoughts should I include here? Should I talk about how much I dislike going to any of the bars in this area because the three times I have been in one over the past six months at least 10% of my high school class has been inside?
Maybe I should talk about how this past Tuesday REALLY reminded me of some of the things I miss the most about college? Sitting in Cup o' Joe, just talking, laughing, joking, and hanging out really made me nostalgic. I miss being able to just take a one minute walk to find a place I can sit and be with friends. I miss having a group of people readily available to just relax with. I can't do that with my family because any time my parents and I are all off work they end up finding something around the house that needs fixing, or cleaning, or remodeling, or some other inane thing.
Perhaps I should talk about how I have lately been one of the things I hate the most. . . a hypocrite. I continually talk about how we should be honest with people and just say how we feel, but I think I do it mainly because it is something I wish I could do. Instead, I skirt around issues. I drop stupid little hints and joke about things in an attempt to convey what I am thinking without having to actually say it. I hate myself for it, but every time I do express how I feel things seem to explode in my face. *Sigh* Oh well.
Quotes/Songs:
So here is this post. I am just going to ramble on about whatever comes to mind; I'll probably throw in some song lyrics and/or quotes too. We shall see.
Work: Work is hell. Ok, not hell, but it is stressful. I could leave it at that, but I won't. The past few weeks at work have been too hectic. Between holidays, deaths, and many outings, things are just running at 1oo miles a second and I can't seem to keep caught up. Now, not everything is bad. I mean, some of the outings are great. I mean, I got paid to drive up to Chicago, watch Phantom of the Opera, and eat at a Chinese buffet - awesome. Last week I got paid to go Christmas shopping and then got a $30 meal at Red Lobster. When you couple these fun things with the emotional boosts you get when you realize how much you are actually helping some of these guys, and the job is great. It can be REALLY stressful though.
Family: Hey regular readers, I have a shock for you! My family members are sick! Ok, if you know anything about my family or have read about half of my blog posts, you know that my family is always sick. If it isn't my mom's knee or shoulder, it is my brother's gastro-intestinal system, or my dad's neck, back, diabetes, arthritis, heart, or whatever his newest unknown malady is. This time it is Dad, Tom, and my aunt all at once. Oh, and my ankle has been acting up lately too. Luckily my family's doctor is great. I mean, the man refuses to let us call him anything but his first name, and has a habit of theatrically joking with us. Take this example:
The setting is a hospital room. My father has been admitted for testing because his blood pressure has been spiking dangerously. After 12 hours of testing and a night in the hospital my family is sitting in the room waiting for our doctor. The nurses know us, so they have been joking with us about how the doctor is just avoiding us because he doesn't know what is wrong.And yes, that actually happened. The nurses weren't happy he was putting words in their mouths, so one of them kicked him in the butt as he was walking away from the room.
A few minutes later our doctor saunters in. He says his hello's to all of us and sits down on the radiator. He looks over at my dad and smiles as he puts his feet on the hospital bed.
"Well, Tim," he says with an exaggerated sigh. "The nurses tell me that you have been whiny and bitchy. But we'll deal with that later. First the results of your tests. As usual we have know idea what the fuck is going on with you."
In addition to the health problems in my family, I am also suffering from another problem regarding them. I am feeling weird when I'm around most of my cousins of a like age. Currently there are five of us who have graduated from high school, and I am the only one who isn't married. Ok, sure, all of the others got married because they either got pregnant or got someone pregnant, but still. It feels weird to look around at a family gathering and realize that I am the only legal adult in my generation without a significant other. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to have any kids yet, and I am glad I am not on the fast track to whitetrashdom like some of my cousins (nothing like leaving the Navy because you got pregnant and spending the rest of your life working at McDonalds).
Edumacation: In two weeks I am taking my GRE so I can finish my applications to various Grad schools. I'm torn though. I want to go to grad school and get my Master's, but at the same time I want to be home to help my parents. I want to get a higher paying job that I can consider a career, but I want to pay off my student loans as soon as possible. I want to get out of my hometown, but I want to be able to visit friends. It is an interesting conundrum. I'm going to go ahead and apply though, and see what my options are after that.
Women/Love/Romance/Relationship Status: Uhhh. . . . not sure at the moment. I think there is one person who fully knows what is going on with me right now (and that is because I had another case of "George has no internal filter when intoxicated" syndrome... Yeah sorry about that again, even if you refuse to allow me to say sorry). If you want to know what is going on with me, ask and depending on my mood I might tell you.
Random Thoughts: Hmmm, what random thoughts should I include here? Should I talk about how much I dislike going to any of the bars in this area because the three times I have been in one over the past six months at least 10% of my high school class has been inside?
Maybe I should talk about how this past Tuesday REALLY reminded me of some of the things I miss the most about college? Sitting in Cup o' Joe, just talking, laughing, joking, and hanging out really made me nostalgic. I miss being able to just take a one minute walk to find a place I can sit and be with friends. I miss having a group of people readily available to just relax with. I can't do that with my family because any time my parents and I are all off work they end up finding something around the house that needs fixing, or cleaning, or remodeling, or some other inane thing.
Perhaps I should talk about how I have lately been one of the things I hate the most. . . a hypocrite. I continually talk about how we should be honest with people and just say how we feel, but I think I do it mainly because it is something I wish I could do. Instead, I skirt around issues. I drop stupid little hints and joke about things in an attempt to convey what I am thinking without having to actually say it. I hate myself for it, but every time I do express how I feel things seem to explode in my face. *Sigh* Oh well.
Quotes/Songs:
"If I could spend every minute of every day with you I would. I think about you all the time. I think of you when I go to bed, and you're the first thing I think about when I wake up. I can't go through one day without wanting to see you, needing to see you. You're addictive, I don't get it ... what is it about you?"
I thought that by telling myself and everyone else that I hated you. That sooner or later I would come to believe it. But I now realize that by lying, it makes me want you even more.
"You know, I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe." - Marcus Cole from Babylon 5
Nuzen felani enaliz medrawn
“I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like "Huh?", but if it's in a basket you're like "Nice."” - Demetri Martin
"If You're Not the One" by Daniel Bedingfield
If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?
I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?
I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I'm praying you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life
I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side
I don’t wanna run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
9/20/2007
Is this how addicts feel?
Is this the feelings that addicts feel? This want, that borders on need. This yearning for one thing to the exclusion of others. This hunger that consumes all other thoughts and wants. I know I shouldn't want it. I mean sure, giving in to this desire and fulfilling it will lead to happiness, but I know that it will only lead to more pain and suffering in the long run. Granted, it is a near-blissful moment in which everything seems right with the world. Colors seem more vibrant, sounds more melodious, smells more intoxicating, and touches electrifying. Therein lies the problem though. . . it is just a moment. So far every time I have indulged this want, it has been a singular moment. A few solitary moments of the dizzying high, each of which inevitably spiraled into a painful crash.
One would think that these crashes might be enough incentive to not want to risk them again. Then something happens. Some isolated event that means nothing reminds me of the highs. They make me think of the joy that fulfilling this want made me feel. The sheer unadulterated happiness that I felt. When I think about that, I forget the lows. I forget the pain and grief I felt when it was over. I want that happiness. I want that high, but I want it to last, I want to continue indulging in that want over and over to keep the low from coming.
Is this what addicts feel? It sure sounds like it.
Am I addicted? It is possible.
Should I give in? . . . I'm not sure.
Ah, what the hell.
*Eats a piece of cake.*
Ah, that's nice.
Ok, so this actually had nothing to do with cake. *Walks off muttering something about being an idiot and brick walls.*
One would think that these crashes might be enough incentive to not want to risk them again. Then something happens. Some isolated event that means nothing reminds me of the highs. They make me think of the joy that fulfilling this want made me feel. The sheer unadulterated happiness that I felt. When I think about that, I forget the lows. I forget the pain and grief I felt when it was over. I want that happiness. I want that high, but I want it to last, I want to continue indulging in that want over and over to keep the low from coming.
Is this what addicts feel? It sure sounds like it.
Am I addicted? It is possible.
Should I give in? . . . I'm not sure.
Ah, what the hell.
*Eats a piece of cake.*
Ah, that's nice.
Ok, so this actually had nothing to do with cake. *Walks off muttering something about being an idiot and brick walls.*
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