Metaphors

There Person G, are you happy? I mentioned you. Now stop whining and bitching. (I just hope people H-Z don’t start bitching at me now.)

I have also had a request to mention how amazing Poopsie’s boobs are. Poopsie, you know who you are and how much everyone loves those perky little love-muffins. I mean really, any man whose mouth doesn’t water over those gazongas is no friend of mine. Ok, now to get my mind off of those luscious love puppies and back to the task at hand.

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Now for the main purpose of this post. I want to talk about metaphors. Everyone uses metaphors as part of their daily life. Hell, I used several when I was talking about Poopsie’s delicious funbags (whoops, there’s another one).

But that isn’t really the type of metaphor I mean with this post. No, this post is about the metaphors people use when they are talking about someone and they only want specific people to know who they are talking about. Sometimes these metaphors are silly and easily decoded. Other times they remain viable code words for many months.

Another interesting thing to look at when considering metaphors is where the metaphor itself came from. What is it about the word that fits the person or event that you are trying to talk about without talking about it? I know that personally it normally comes from some comment made offhand by myself or my coconspirators that makes some kind of humorous impact. It can be an offhand comment, or an away message the person has up that sticks with us. Whatever the source, I rarely use metaphors with no reason behind them.

Sitting here and writing about metaphors is making me think of all the metaphors I have used or heard in the past year or so. Let me see how many I can name.

Groceries, Bicycle, Brick, Oot, Canada, Mexico, Iraq, Switzerland, Teddy Bear, Frog, Toad, Economics, Explosion of Boobies! (the exclamation point is mandatory), The List, Noble Weasel, and finally, the funniest of them all, CD!!

These are just the ones I have used or heard (and can remember) from the past year or so. If I went back any further I could probably come up with any number of additional metaphors I have used. All in all, metaphors for me are a fun way to talk about people (not necessarily in a bad way, in fact, normally in a very good way) without most people knowing who I am talking about. They are fun and harmless. Isn’t that right Statler?

Well, that is all I have to say about those, here are some quotes of the moment as is traditional.

“When you stop putting yourself on the line, and you don't touch your own heart, how do you expect to touch other people?” – Tori Amos

“Without wearing any mask we are conscious of, we have a special face for each friend.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes

“Whether you call my heart affectionate, or you call it womanish: I confess, that to my misfortune, it is soft.” – Ovid

“It is the privilege of those who fear love to murder those who do not fear it!” – May Sarton

“Loving someone that doesn't love you is like reaching for a star. You know you'll never reach it, but you just got to keep trying.”

Poopsie is not a real person. Sure, I love looking at several different people's dirty pillows, but I would never single any of them out in a blog post.

Oy vey!

So, I was planning on writing a post about a Futurama episode that was on earlier this week, but unfortunately as I got about halfway through writing the post, I realized that it would be taken the wrong way.

The episode is one of the many involving Fry's unrequited love for Leela, and is my favorite Futurama episode of all time. As I got further and further into the writing of the post, I realized that people would assume I was talking about myself instead of the episode.

Person A would think I was writing about Person B. Person B would see it as either a post about themself or Person A. Person C would laugh at me and make jokes about how I was writing about Person A. Person D would assume it was about Person B. Person E is getting annoyed I am writing about all these random people, and Person F is pissed that I haven't mentioned them.

*Sigh* Sometimes I wish a ball could just be a ball, a tree could just be a tree, and the Washington Monument could just be a tall slender building.

So, rather than write a post about my love for a sappy episode of Futurama, I will just post up a couple of pictures I got of my cousin's baby girl. She's a cutie, but too bad her name is Savannah White.

Poor kid.




And now a quote or three:

“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.” - Mitch Hedberg

“Don't go for the looks, it can be quite deceiving. Don't go for wealth, even that fades away - go for someone who makes you smile because only a smile makes a dark day seem bright. Hope you find that person.” - Anonymous

“The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be” - Marcel Pagnol

Two in one day? What?

Yeah, so this is my second post of the day, but it is just to post up the article I just wrote for the Observer.

I love writing these last minute columns, but I can never think of anything to write about. Consequently, I tend to ask for topic ideas from friends. The suggestions I get are all over the map. Here are a few of them: “Write about politics.” “Write about people going to college just so they can get more money in later jobs.” “Write about how Ninjas are better than Pirates.” “Write about how Jason Keller and George White are the sexiest men on campus.”

Now, some of these topics are completely stupid (I mean, everyone knows Pirates are better), but sometimes a topic clicks with me and I can run with it. Three people suggested various Hollywood topics to me. These ranged from Britney Spears’s recent head shaving to why Vince Vaughn was responsible for Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston’s divorce. After quickly dismissing these things as topics, it struck me how sad it was that Hollywood gossip was the most popular topic suggestion.

Not one person I talked to mentioned Iran, the peace summit with Israel and the Palestinian authority, the multiple outbreaks of salmonella infected foods, or the asteroid that threatens to impact with Earth in 2036 (it is true people).

No, I got suggestions regarding Anna Nicole Smith, Britney Spears, and Brad Pitt. Is this what our society has come to? Well, apparently the answer to that question is yes, because as looking at the “Most Popular” news articles on Google, I find that 6 out of the top 10 stories are about Sports or Hollywood.

What is it about Hollywood celebrities that so enthralls our culture? Is it the flashiness and glamour of their lifestyle that makes them seem more important than global politics? Is it that they make more money in one year than most families will make in a lifetime for pretending to be other people?

Here I am complaining about this phenomenon, but at the same time, I am fueling it. Earlier in this article I wrote about various things that have happened recently in Hollywood. Now, unfortunately, I think this article will spawn more conversations about them than about the truly important events in our world.

I will just leave you with this question: Do you know what brand of peanut butter has been recalled because of salmonella? If not, you may want to start looking at news stories that are a little more important than “which celebrity just had a breakdown/breakup/breaksomething”.

Heh, I rock. Also, Trips is amazing.

Cognitive Dissonance Sucks

Just a little blurb here.

Don't you just hate it when you disagree with yourself?

I mean, part of you wants to think or do one thing, and another part of you is vehemently against it. What do you listen to? Do you listen to the rational, calm, and intellectual side or do you listen to the spontaneous, heartfelt, and emotional side? How do you decide which part of yourself is in the right? Or should you just flip a coin and go with the winner?

. . . I dunno. . . I am just rambling.

One quick quote that I thought of when I was contemplating my cognitive dissonance:

If your head tells you one thing, and your heart tells you another, before you do anything, you should first decide whether you have a better head or a better heart. - Marilyn vos Savant

C’est mon vie

Ok, I originally wrote up a post with this basic topic on Wednesday night/Thursday morning, but for some reason it didn’t post on my blog like it should have. I haven’t been in a blogging mood the past couple days, so I waited till now to write it up again.

Hindsight - recognition of the realities, possibilities, or requirements of a situation, event, decision etc., after its occurrence

Yeah. As I said in a post back in June, hindsight can be a real bitch, but hindsight can also be helpful. Hindsight can cut through all the bullshit of life and let you know that you have done the right thing in certain situations.

Looking back at my life, I am glad to say that for the most part I have made the right decisions. When I was a kid, I read and learned instead of sitting around watching TV and movies 24/7 (I only spent 18/7 doing that). When I was in middle and high school I didn’t go out and get drunk every weekend like so many of my classmates did. I came to Saint Joseph’s College and made some of the best friends I have ever had.

Unfortunately, there is one area of my life in which I haven’t always made the best choices. I repeatedly make bad choices in this area, and I don’t seem to learn from my past mistakes in the slightest.

This area is of course . . . women. BJ and I were talking about our past history with women and the guy actually made a comment worthy of quoting for something other than shock value.

“If you would just stop existing, I would stop falling for you. . .”

(Ok, I added that ellipses at the end because he actually said, “If you would just stop existing, I would stop falling for you, bitch”, but then he said, “Nah, just kidding take the bitch off that.”)

But he was right, that is how I have always dealt with my feelings for women. I have always developed romantic feelings, and then when it doesn’t work out I retain the feelings. For some reason I can’t explain, I just don’t let go. I have always clung to the feelings, perhaps clinging to some vain hope that if I keep feeling that way, it will change things. I have done this for more years than I would like to remember. It is unhealthy, and now that I look back at it, I am somewhat scared by it. Why would I do such things to myself? I can’t answer that, but hopefully I will never have to again.

Now that I have said that, I can also honestly say that I am not doing it anymore. I am learning from my mistakes, and the change feels good.

Some lyrics to wrap up this post:

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.

Don't want to let it lay me down this time.
Drown my will to fly.
Here in the darkness I know myself.
Can't break free until I let it go.
Let me go.

Darling, I forgive you after all.
Anything is better than to be alone.
And in the end I guess I had to fall.
Always find my place among the ashes.

I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, ...stay in love with my sorrow.
I'm gonna let it go.

Ok, I lied, that isn’t the end. Just because I haven’t used it since my New Year’s post, my favorite quote:

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” – Neil Gaiman

I’ve never been so alone. . ./She can ask for the truth. . ./Politics. . .

Ok, so this is going to be a three part post. I am not sure if any of the parts will be all that long, but oh well.

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. . . And I’ve never been so alive.

Those are lyrics from Third Eye Blind’s “Motorcycle Dive By”. Not only is that song one of my all time favorites, but right now it also fits my mood.

As the lyrics say, I’ve never been so alone. . . well I have been, hell I have lived the majority of my life as alone as I am now, but what I mean is that I am just by myself now. Lately I have been relying on others less. I have been whining about life less. I’m spending time to myself when I could be out with friends. I’m not becoming a hermit by any means, but I am just not as connected to my friends as I once was.

And funnily enough, I haven’t felt this happy and relaxed in a long time. I am finally learning how to do what is best for George. I’m stopping myself from saying/doing stupid things that feed the emotional masochist in me. I’m finally content with being single. Do I wish I wasn’t? Sure. Do I see certain people and think, “what if?” Every single day, but I don’t let it get me down. I don’t let the fact that I am alone rule my life anymore. I enjoy what I have, and I have stopped dwelling on what I don’t.

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. . . But she’ll never believe you.

Why do women not believe a single word out of a guy’s mouth? It can be about anything, and they still won’t believe.

Take this even that happened twice in the past two weeks with me -

Woman - “Is this test going to be hard?”

Me - “Not really, that professor’s test are normally pretty easy.”

Woman - “Are you sure? Should I study more than I normally do?”

Me – “No really, they tend to be really straightforward if you have read the stuff and looked at your notes.”

Woman – “But you are smart, what you think is easy is probably really hard.”

Me – “*Sigh* . . . I quit.”

What was there not to believe in that exchange? Was there some hidden message I was transmitting that made them believe I was lying to them to sabotage them? How about this conversation that I had (again twice, but about VERY different things) –

Woman – “How did I do?”

Me – “You did really well.”

Woman – “Are you just saying that?”

Me – “No, you really did a good job.”

Woman – “You are just saying that because I am your friend.”

Me – “No, really. I mean it. You did a good job. I wouldn’t lie to you about this.”

Woman – “. . . Okay.”

Me – “*Resigned sigh*”

I don’t know what it is, and maybe it is just me, but for some reason it seems that women have an underlying distrust of anything said by a man. Have we as a society so fully blackened the reputation of men that nothing they say is believable?

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This third section is only going to be a few sentences. Politics belong only in the political world. Leave them out of things involving talent and skill. . . Grah!

Now a quote and some lyrics from the two songs used as titles.

Your feelings may be as clear as traffic light signals, but what if the person watching you is color-blind? So, tell them how you feel.

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Motorcycle Drive By – Third Eye Blind

Visions of you on a motorcycle drive by,
The cigarette ash flies in your eyes, and you don’t mind, you smile,
And say the world doesn’t fit with you.
I don’t believe you, you’re so serene.
Careening through the universe, your axis on a tilt, you’re guiltless and free,
I hope you take a piece of me with you,
And there’s things Id like to do that you don’t believe in,
I would like to build something, but you’d never see it happen
And there’s this burning, like there’s always been,
I’ve never been so alone, and I’ve, I’ve never been so alive,

And there’s this burning, ah ha, there was this burning.

. . . .

I go home to the coast. It starts to rain, I paddle out on the water alone,
Taste the salt and taste the pain. I’m not thinking of you again,
Summer dies and swells rise, the sun goes down in my eyes, see this rolling wave, darkly coming to take me, home,
And I never been so alone, and I’ve never been so alive.

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She’s Always A Woman – Billy Joel

She can kill with a smile
She can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child
But she's always a woman to me

She can lead you to love
She can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth
But she'll never believe
And she'll take what you give her, as long as it's free
Yeah, she steals like a thief
But she's always a woman to me

CHORUS
Oh-she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh-and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

And she'll promise you more
Than the Garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you're bleedin'
But she'll bring out the best
And the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself
Cause she's always a woman to me

CHORUS

She is frequently kind
And she's suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases
She's nobody's fool
But she can't be convicted
She's earned her degree
And the most she will do
Is throw shadows at you
But she's always a woman to me

Snoopy is street

I just had to post this picture somewhere after I found it.

Valentine's Day Sucks!

Well, that fateful day that everyone loves to hate is coming up. No, not Arbor Day. Valentine's Day. This has just been driven into my head by the dozen or so e-mails I have already gotten about it. Some are from friends, some are spam, but no matter who they are from, they annoy me.

Now sure, not EVERYONE hates Valentine’s Day, but the majority of the population does. I don’t blame them either. There are plenty of viable reasons to hate Valentine’s Day.

Here are a few I have compiled in the past twenty minutes:

1. Being alone on Valentine’s Day sucks. That is right. There is nothing more disheartening than being alone on a day that is dedicated to couples. I mean really, what kind of sick fuck decided to create a holiday that would alienate between one third and one half of the global population? What kind of twisted mind does it take to come up with that kind of thing?

2. Valentine’s Day has introduced the idea of forced romanticism. For those of us who tend to be naturally romantic, it has cheapened the idea. For the rest of the population, it is a day in which they are expected to act like someone they aren’t. This is just another example of our society asking people to change who they are to fit in.

3. Valentine’s Day breeds contention. If a guy isn’t romantic enough, it causes problems with his significant other. If a guy is too romantic, it can cause problems. Finally, if a guy just says, “Screw it, I am not a romantic person” and blows off Valentine’s Day, he will be lucky to survive the day. On the flip side, guys get upset because they are expected to buy expensive and extravagant gifts on this day. What is special about the day? Well, we are just told it is special, and things need to be bought.

4. It doesn’t matter how good your Valentine’s Day gift to someone is, you just have to be better next year. It is the ultimate game of one-upsmanship with oneself. If you do something amazing on your first Valentine’s Day together, every other year will just be compared to that year unfavorably.

5. Being alone on Valentine’s Day sucks. Yeah, I know I already said it, but oh well. It needs to be said more than once.

And now for fun, a Jay Leno quote:

“Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!” - Jay Leno

Puppies!

This post is just because I miss my puppies and was looking at pictures of them. While looking at the pictures, I decided that everyone must see them.


Little dog looking at my brother as he plays Nintendo (Regular Nintendo, nothing fancy for him).


Little dog looking demonic and crazy.


Big dog looking scruffy and cute.

I miss my puppies

Deja vu. . . all over again

So yesterday I was searching for a quote that fit life at the moment.

Richard had noticed that events were cowards: they didn't occur singly, but instead they would run in packs and leap out at him all at once. - Neil Gaiman

I couldn't find it anywhere though. It wasn't in my quote document, and it wasn't on thinkexist. I was confused. I knew I had used it in the past.

Well, it turns out I had. I had used it in a blog over the summer and as I found it and read that blog post, I couldn't help but laugh at myself. Apparently something had set me off that week and I can't remember what it was. Heck, I'll just copy-paste the majority of the post so you all can see what I mean.

Femmes!

I've said it before, and I will say it again - I don't understand women, and I know I never will. I don't think that there is a man in this world who truly understands women and the way their minds work. Oh sure, some guys may know how their wife thinks, but that is one woman. Women as a whole are one confusing bunch.

Now, after reading the above paragraph, many a woman would counter, "Women are easy to understand. Men are the confusing ones." Women may actually believe this argument, but the truth to that argument is that men seem confusing . . . because they are confused. Men don't know how to act around women because women say, do, and think different things. They say one thing, mean another, and think a third, but somehow they expect men to be fully cognizant of what they want.

A classic example is the "Where do you want to eat" dilemma. Most of the time when a man asks, "Hey, where do you want to eat", he will get one of the following responses: "I don't know", "I don't care", or "Oh, it doesn't matter, you pick". Do any of those three things really mean what they seem to mean? NO! They normally mean something more to the effect of "I know exactly where I want to eat, but I want you to prove that you know me and pick the place I want". Every once and a while a woman will be honest and actually say "How about (Insert overpriced eatery here)", and the man involved will internally dance a little happy dance.

Or how about the ever popular "Are you mad" question. Most women have several types of anger that they can express, and the most frustrating of these is the type where they profess to be completely calm, collected, and not in the least perturbed, and all the while they are seething inside about some slight that the man probably doesn't even realize he has committed. As the man remains blissfully unaware of his wrongdoing, the woman continues to allow her anger to build up without expressing it in any way other than to become slightly withdrawn (perhaps with a few surreptitious glares in the man's direction). When confronted about her behavior, the woman continues to deny any anger until finally exploding at the man.

Then there is always the question of what a woman wants in a man. I have heard countless women say that they look for a man who is "Smart, funny, kind" etc. etc. etc. Unfortunately I can count on my hands the number of times I have actually seen a guy who is all the things listed, but not physically very attractive, with one of these women. This is another case of women saying one thing, and their actions saying another. Far too many women date guys based solely on physical appearance, and then when the guys turns out to be an ass, complain that men are all jerks. A great many men are not jerks, but we are looked over because women are as shallow and hormonal as men (they just don't like to admit it).

Due to these - and other - situations, men have learned think things through and tread carefully around women at times, but these are not the main cause of stress between the sexes. In my opinion, the one situation which has caused more stress between men and women than anything else is the question of honesty.

Most men like to be honest about things. If a buddy is doing something stupid, men point it out. If a guy is wearing a hat that makes him look like a moron, his friends will point it out and tell him not to wear it.

Women claim to love honesty, but at times they prefer to be lied to. "How do I look?", "Does this dress make me look fat?", etc. . . . why do you ask these questions if you don't want us to be honest? If any man ever answered either of those questions with a "Sorry honey, that dress does not flatter your figure at all. Maybe you should wear that other one" he would not only be sleeping on the couch for the next week, but he would probably have a few things thrown at his head.

The question of honesty also comes into play when a guy has feelings for a woman. If a guy just comes out and says how he feels, he risks several possible complications. First, he could say it at the wrong time and make the woman upset and uncomfortable. Second, she may have no feelings for him whatsoever, in which case he has probably just flushed a friendship down the toilet by being honest. Third (and in some guys' cases most likely) he can get the always popular "I don't like you in that way", the "I don't know how to respond to that", the classic "You aren't boyfriend material", or my personal favorite "You are just too nice, and I don't want to ruin our friendship".

Of course, if he keeps these feelings in when she wants him to say them, then she can become upset that he is too closed up emotionally. Maybe, while he is wrestling with whether or not he should say anything (probably for fear of one of the above complications), she will decide that he doesn't have any feelings for him, not tell him, and just move on to one of the shallow pretty-boy asshats talked about a few paragraphs ago.

So, with all these confusing possibilities and complications fouling out male-female interactions, men muddle on slowly and confused. Do they tell the truth this time, or is this a case where the truth will get you slapped? Does she really not want to talk about what is wrong, or does she want you to just automatically know what is wrong and apoligize for it? Graaaaaah!!!

From now on, I just want everyone to be honest with me. If you want to say something, say it. Please don't hold back (except for you Mike and BJ . . . I don't even want to know what Mike is thinking, and I already know what BJ is thinking). Just cut through all the bullshit and come out with it already people.

That just makes me laugh.