Hmmm

This post has been six days in coming. I started typing it the first time on Friday night, and now here it is Thursday morning and I am writing it again.

Each time I have sat down to write, I have known what I wanted to write about. It hasn't been the same topics every time. In fact the topic of this post has changed in each of the incarnations of it I have had in my head. It has gone from why I needed George time (which I have gotten plenty of this past week), to some of the crazy things that have been going on in my head (which I decided not to subject anyone to), to my recent bout with uber-insomnia (so much worse than normal that it isn't funny at all). Now, I think I will write about dreams and how much I hate them.

Some of you may have read my earlier post about my dreams. I don't usually dream, and when I do they tend to be meaningful. Yeah, so in that post, the second dream was about my future wife giving birth. When I wrote that post, I could have sworn I included a description. In fact, I have had two or three people say that they thought there was something about her appearance there, but there is nothing there about it. Quite eerie really.

Well, I have been having that same dream. . . well not the same. It has been slightly different. First off, my wife's face hasn't changed. In fact the first three times this week I had the dream I didn't see her face at all. Of course, then I talked to people about it and her face started being clear to me. It is the same face as the first time I had the dream . . . which some of you know the description of. By now, part of me is ready to just give in to the Freudian explanation of the whole situation and believe that it is all being caused by thoughts buried in my unconscious mind (and those who know my thoughts on psychology know how much I normally loathe the idea of Freud being right about anything other than defense mechanisms). As I said, a part of me wants to give in and believe that. Most of me keeps pointing out that my dreams have meant something in the past and this dream must mean something too.

Oddly enough, this isn't the only dream I have been having. I have been having it every night, but then I have also been having other dreams. Some of them are about past events. Others are about things that haven't happened with the same people as in the past event dreams. I don't know if my brain is just stuck on certain topics lately, but I am getting sick and tired of the few hours of sleep I have been getting the past couple days being plagued with dreams. I want my sleep to go back to normal. No more 8 hour nights of sleep (Friday and Saturday) and no more 2 hour nights of sleep (Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday) full of dreams. I want to go back to my 4-5 hour nights of sleep with no dreams (ok, very very infrequent dreams).

On an unrelated note, I am going to my Grandmother's for Thanksgiving. . . Lunch this afternoon. Hopefully I don't get food poisoning this year like I did last year. Couple the horrid food with the fact that I am going to be the only person there under the age of 65, and things should be rather fun. Wish me luck. I just hope I don't feel obligated to stay there too terribly long and not get home in time to enjoy my delicious steak. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to get the pie I just baked out of the oven and let it cool for a while before putting it in the fridge and going to bed.


Eh, I guess I should throw in a quote or two. Both of these have been brought up or shared with people I have chatted with the past few days, so I guess I will just share them with everyone.

"We are all a little weird, and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love." - Anon

"That's the nature of women not to love when we love them, and to love when we love them not." - Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

Birthday List

Sitting here in my room at 2am on my birthday has gotten me in a wistful mood, so I am writing up a little Birthday Wish List.

1. A Million Dollars (I would settle for less, but why not shoot for the stars)
2. A kiss from a beautiful woman (Hey, a guy has got to want something purely for himself)
3. Hugs from my friends
4. Smiles on the faces of my friends (Far too many people have been far too stressed out lately)
5. A Wii
6. An Alienware Computer (Sorry Bob, I love you man, but c'mon Alienware)
7. A Monkey
8. A copy of "The History of the World Part 1" on DVD. . . I have been hankering for it ever since someone mentioned it two weeks ago and the file on my computer is corrupt.
9. Someone to finish my Abnormal Psych paper for me.
10. A nice long back massage.

That is about all I can think of right now. Remember multiples on any/all of the gifts will be accepted (although I don't know what I would do with multiple DVD's).

More Rantings

I have had several comments on my last post (none actually posted online though). Most of them told me that they liked it but were expecting a longer post. To be honest, the post was going to be quite a bit longer, but I kept getting distracted while writing it. By the time I really got into it, Senior Karaoke rolled around, so I decided to put it off and write up a second portion.

This is that second portion.

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My name is George White, and I am a nice guy. I say this not out of some conceited notion of knowing what does and does not constitute a nice guy, but I say this because I have been told this by innumerable people. I am the “nice guy”, the “good guy”, the “guy who is a great friend”, the guy women know “will always be there when they need a shoulder to cry on”, and (my personal favorite) the guy whose friendship is just “too close to ruin by dating”.

I am the kind of guy who loves being in a relationship because it gives me an excuse to do all the little things I love to do to make people feel better, but seem odd when done by someone you aren’t in a relationship with.

I am the kind of guy who will call in the morning just to say “Good Morning”. I am the guy who can’t help but smile when he sees his girlfriend, just because she is who she is. I am the guy who surprises his girlfriend with a rose for no reason other than to make her smile. I am the kind of guy who holds people when they are crying, not because I think I will get something out of it, but because I hate seeing people hurt. I am the kind of guy who people call when the rest of the world has let them down, just so they know that there is someone out there who still cares about them and smiles when he hears their voice. I’m the guy who listens when people talk, and tells them what they need to hear, not just what they want to hear. I’m the guy who accepts people for who they are and doesn’t try to force them into molds they don’t fit in. I am the guy who thinks a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt can be sexier than a mini-skirt and low-cut top. I am the guy who finds women beautiful when they are the way nature intended – not just when they are surgically altered and covered with makeup. I am the guy who knows that you can’t always get what/who you want. I am the guy who appreciates the women in my life for what they are, even if I want them to be more. I am the guy who doesn’t stare at attractive women while I am out with a woman. I am the guy who will tell someone she is beautiful, not because I am hitting on her, but because she is beautiful. I am the guy who will tell you the truth instead of lying to get into your pants. I am the guy who won’t get jealous when you talk to your male friends, because I know that you aren’t flirting with or hitting on every guy you talk to. I am the guy who doesn’t see put downs as the only way to have fun and look cool, although I may make the occasional put down myself in jest. I am the guy who can normally get the little hints and suggestions, even if I don’t immediately act on them. I am the guy who treats his girlfriend the same when I am with my friends as I do when we are alone. I am the guy who will be there for the people who matter to him, through thick and thin, good times and bad, and I will do everything in my power to make them happy and try not to hurt them.

I am not trying to say that I am perfect. Hell, I am far from perfect. I am overweight. I tend to be a procrastinator, and I am nice to the extent of sometimes being a pushover. I am an intellectual snob, a smarmy smart-ass, and overly hesitant when it comes to expressing my feelings (for good reason I think).

Over the past few days I have been trying to decide why, when so many women tell me that I am such a great guy and then turn around and tell me that I am not “boyfriend material”. Well, I had an idea that was later brought up by two different friends as I was writing this (thanks ladies). The reason I am not “boyfriend material” right now is because we are in college. I am the safe choice right now. I am the stable guy who won’t cheat on my girlfriend or do anything to hurt them. I’m not the crazy wild Adonis who makes women drool when they look at me. I am the shoulder women come crying to when the bad boy has broken their hearts. I was actually told tonight that the reason I am always relegated to the “Friend Zone” is because I am marriage material. She then pointed me in the direction of the movie “Wet Hot American Summer” for a good quote:

Listen, Coop. Last night was really great. You were incredibly romantic and heroic, no doubt about it. And that's great. But I've thought about it, and my thing is this. Andy is really hot. And don't get me wrong, you're cute too, but Andy is like, cut. From marble. He's gorgeous. He has this beautiful face and this incredible body, and I genuinely don't care that he's kinda lame. I don't even care that he cheats on me. And I like you more than I like Andy, Coop, but I'm 16. And maybe it'll be a different story when I'm ready to get married, but right now, I am entirely about sex. I just wanna get laid. I just wanna take him and grab him and fuck his brains out, ya know? So that's where my priorities are right now. Sex. Specifically with Andy and not with you.

Unfortunately that kind of behavior doesn’t end at 16. Far too many women in college still feel that way. Some of them smarten up early and stop going after the bad boys. Unfortunately, these wonderful women are few and far between at this point in life. Hopefully I will one day soon join the ranks of the lucky guys who have found their woman, but till then I will just be content being me.

Writing this post has made me think of a few quotes:

“Every woman needs one man in her life who is strong and responsible. Given this security, she can proceed to do what she really wants to do-fall in love with men who are weak and irresponsible.” – Richard J. Needham

“A true man does not need to romance a different girl every night, a true man romances the same girl for the rest of her life” – Ana Alas

“The most human thing we have to do in life is to learn to speak our honest convictions and feelings and live with the consequences. This is the first requirement of love, and it makes us vulnerable to other people who may ridicule us. But our vulnerability is the only thing we can give to other people.” – Leo F. Buscaglia

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'” – Anonymous

A Tirade

Alright… You up there in the cosmic vapor. God, Yahweh, Allah, Odin, Ra, Ganesh, Zeus, Quetzalcoatl, Ishtar, Marduk, or whatever else people call you. What do I have to do? Actually, is it more appropriate for me to ask what did I do?

Is it not enough that I seem to be eternally single, but you have to rub it in by having assholes come to me for relationship advice? Is a homophobic moron whose favorite mode of communication is calling people "gay" what women really want in a man? If not, then WTF mate?

I have been single for far longer than I care to remember, and things just seem to be going downhill. This summer it was multiple females informing me, before I even thinking about making a move, that I am "a great friend who is always there to listen to them, but just not boyfriend material" (Oh how I love that sentence when I have done nothing to elicit it.) Then there was the capstone of the summer… the “Oh I got engaged this morning, and I think you need to know that before we go out on a date”.

Now… well now you decided to take a new tact. You decided to raise my hopes before slamming me down. Is there some kind of sick “how many times can I make George slam his head against the wall before he just gives up” game that I don’t know about?

Once upon a time, I wrote up a nice post regarding my views on Nice Guys and the Friend Zone. Unfortunately, viewpoints change, people change, and most importantly I have changed. When I wrote that I believe it wholeheartedly. I held myself responsible for everything that had happened in my love life (even those things I logically know I had no control over). I beat myself up over each and every one of the failures in the past. I blamed my own hesitant nature. I told myself that somehow it was some flaw in my nature that was causing these failures.

Heh, I am done with that. It isn't my fault. There isn't anything wrong with me. Being a Nice Guy isn't a problem . . . regardless of how many times Bob wants to play "Nice Guys Finish Last" today.

*Comes back after attacking the computer for a few minutes.*

Smug asshole is lucky I don't have a baseball bat in my room...

Now where was I? Oh yes, Nice Guys. As a friend and I decided yesterday, it isn't so much that Nice Guys finish last. It is more like there is a sniper making sure the Nice Guys don't even leave the starting gate. Sadly this time he was a little slow and I got a few feet out of the gate before the shot hit. I think it is worse this way. I guess the Divine realized that the same old "telling him that they are just gonna be friends before he can get his hopes too high" ploy wouldn't be as effective this time.

Well, he/she/it got me good this time. I actually let my natural cynicism fall. My normal walls keeping my hopeless romanticism away from my own love life were lowered and I allowed myself to think maybe, just maybe. But no. I think that currently my emotions run along with the emotions of the character Dave from a webcomic I read. The comic is "College Roommates from Hell" by Maritza Campos. (Click the image to enlarge it)

So, this is all I have to say right now... Women, know what you want before you lead a guy on. Guys, can I get a hell yeah to a quote from Dr. Gregory House - "To women. Can't live with 'em, and you can't kill them and tell the neighbors that they are stripping in Atlantic City."

Now, I will finish this little rant with a quote from Neil Gaiman.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

Quotes

This post is going to be short and somewhat pointless, but I have had quite a few quotes running through my head recently. These quotes aren't all about the same situation. In fact there are tons of situations involved in the various quotes but oh well. I just need to put them all together somewhere and think on them.

First off, “Love is a special word, and I use it only when I mean it. You say the word too much and it becomes cheap.” - Ray Charles

That being said, it is hard to find any quotes about how you feel for someone that don't include the word love. Apparently if you are attracted to someone, but you aren't in love yet, you are screwed. You don't get to tell anyone how you feel unless you love them. . . Bah.

“I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”

"You know that you're in love when you freeze up for the first time in your life--my feet were frozen to the elevator floor, but my heart was screaming to take one step closer and give her a kiss."

"I would be lying if I said you stepped out of my dreams and into my life... My dreams were never this wonderful!"

"If I could spend every minute of every day with you I would. I think about you all the time. I think of you when I go to bed, and you're the first thing I think about when I wake up. I can't go through one day without wanting to see you, needing to see you. You're addictive, I don't get it ... what is it about you?"

"You look in the mirror and you don't like what you see? Don't believe it. Look into my eyes; I'm the only mirror you'll ever need."

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” – Neil Gaiman

"There's a lot to be said for self-delusionment when it comes to matters of the heart."

. . . Nothing really to say about that section of quotes.

"A true friend is someone who will always be there when the whole world left you, he always cheers you up when the whole world has turned you down and he never asks you to act like an angel but he becomes your angel."

"Some people come into our lives, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never the same."

"It's a lot like nature. You only have as many animals as the ecosystem can support and you only have as many friends as you can tolerate the bitching of." – Randy K. Milholland

"Sometimes the measure of friendship isn't your ability to not harm but your capacity to forgive the things done to you and ask forgiveness for your own mistakes." – Randy K. Milholland

“There are three types of friends: those like food, without which you can't live; those like medicine, which you need occasionally; and those like an illness, which you never want.”

“If you're alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile. But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me”

"A true friend is like the sound of your footsteps; always with you, through light and dark, in silence when there is no one else, and in a crowd even when you can’t hear them. When things are soft and comfortable you may not notice the sound of your footsteps, but when things get hard, that is when you notice that the sound of your footsteps is always there keeping time with you.” – George White

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”

This section encompasses several situations recently. From the people who I like to think I have helped with their problems, the people who have helped me, and those friends who knew that the walls I was putting up were meant to be torn down. I thank all of you for giving me the kicks in the rump when I needed them, the friendly ear when I needed to vent, and the helpful words when I needed advice. Truly without you I don't know what I would do.

"All it takes to fly is to hurl yourself at the ground... and miss." - Douglass Adams

Sounds like a plan to me Doug.

Philosophizing (Yes, it is a real word)

I have been getting a little blog happy lately, but oh well. This is how I get when my brain is working a lot and I need to get things off my mind. Now the things that are setting my mind to racing aren't really going to be talked about in this blog, but the random thoughts I come up with to keep my mind off of said things will be.

Lately I have been in a philosophical mood and a few interesting questions have come to mind.

The first of these is an actual philosophical question which has no right or wrong answers. It is designed to make you think about yourself and how you want to live life. Well, here goes. If you could have in your life one day of perfect happiness - the type that great love stories and legends can only vaguely explain - and the memory of that day would stay bright and new in your mind for the rest of your life, but for the rest of your life all other good things would make your current happiness feel like a candle next to the burning sun of the happiness you once enjoyed. . . . would you take that happiness? Would you be in perfect bliss for one day if you knew that the rest of your life would be pale and wan in comparison, or would you choose to be relatively happy for most of your life and never know that perfect joy?

The next question isn't so much philosophical as it is just interesting. Why does my being agnostic seem to affect the opinions of professors so much? I have been in Core IX with Nichols for half a semester now, and for some reason now that he knows I am agnostic he keeps pointing it out, and whenever I answer one of his religious questions he acts as if I am dropping a bomb on the class because I can logically deduce what kind of answer he is looking for. My agnosticism doesn't make me any different once you know about it. I am still George White. I still think and act the same way, but professors can't seem to just accept it and move on. They have to make it a central point of who I am in the class.

Oh boy . . .

Ok, I was told to write about pickles and pineapples, so this first section is going to be about those two things. They are delicious foods (not together), but I have to say I like pickles more than pineapples. I mean, with a pickle it could be any of a dozen tasty flavors. It could be dill, kosher dill, sweet, bread and butter, garlic, spicy dill, etc. At the drive-in we actually sell pickles and I find myself eating one every few days while I work there. The delicious garlic flavor sustains me for the night and all is well. Pineapple on the other hand, while being sweet and delicious, is a very monotonous taste.

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Anyway, to the body of this post. I am not entirely sure what I am going to write about, but it should be interesting. Life is coming at me at about 186,282 miles a second and I can't seem to figure out how to slow it down. Between classes, work, theater, clubs, and personal business I just don't seem to have any free time in which I am not working on one thing or another.

Speaking of the play. I am starting to get a little worried. Two of the other guys are driving me insane. One of them used to know his lines, but has recently just seemed to lose them all. The other knows his lines, but questions himself so much that he will stop in the middle of a line and ask for it, even though he was saying it right the whole time. Everyone else is doing great (even Spence is finally getting into character), and I am really happy with the majority of the show. Hopefully this tech week kicks the two guys into gear and things work out.

Classes. . . well the majority of classes are going great. Human Sexuality is tons of fun, Core IX is a breeze thus far, Social Psych is boring but easy, and Abnormal Psych is going ok because Pulver seems to have racheted down his assholishness. Professional Seminar though . . . that class is going to kick my ass. Wong isn't giving us enough direction in things. She is pretty much just looking at us and saying "Ok, go do it" and not explaining what "it" is. This drives me crazy and there are times I just want to strangle her. She explains concepts we had as freshmen, but doesn't give us any actual structure or guidance for the new things. Seely . . . or even Pulver. . . needs to take over the class. At least that way things would be run smoothly.

Jobs. . . it seems whenever I am not at play practice in the evening I am working. If it isn't RA duty, it is working Security at a sporting event (like twenty minutes from now). I need the money, but there is no chance for me to sit down and do other things. Last night while on duty was the first night in a while I have actually felt relaxed and free to sit and think about things.

Clubs. . . Oh clubs. . . These aren't quite as stressful, but at the same time they are. These are things I like doing and want to be part of, but unfortunately everything else seems to be crowding them out. I need to come up with some T-shirt ideas for the College Republicans, but every time I try to sit down and brainstorm, I end up getting pulled into something else.

My personal life, well I am not even sure I want to think about it right now. Confusion reigns supreme as always, and I don't know what to do. Part of me likes things the way they are and doesn't want to mess them up. Another part of me (and several friends) are yelling at me to do something.

Just when you think you're in control,
just when you think you've got a hold,
just when you get on a roll,
here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.
I should have known,
should have known,
should have known again,
but here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.

Yes it does, Ok Go. . . . yes it does.

Well, off to stand and watch a Soccer game.

Soundtrack of My Life

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button

Opening Credits:
Home by Michael Buble

Waking Up:
Come On, Come On by Smashmouth

First Day At School:
I'm Going to Go Back There Someday by Gonzo from The Muppets

Falling In Love:
It Had To Be You by Frank Sinatra

Fight Song:
Every Time I Hear Your Name by Keith Urban

Breaking Up:
You Don't Know Me by Michael Buble

Prom:
Kiss The Girl from Little Mermaid as sung by Acoustix

Life's OK:
Theme from House MD

Mental Breakdown:
Change in My Life by Rockapella

Driving:
From Time to Time by Rascal Flatts

Flashback:
Special Fred by Stephen Lynch

Getting Back Together:
Joy to the World by Three Dog Night

Wedding:
Where've You Been by Kathy Mattea

Birth of Child:
Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger

Final Battle:
The Steps of Saint Patrick's by Jason LeVasseur

Death Scene:
Betrayed by Nathan Lane from The Producers

Funeral Song:
Hooked on a Feeling by Rockapella

End Credits:
You Have AIDS from Family Guy


Ok, the beginning works ok. . . but when it gets to Flashback it starts breaking down. I mean c'mon . . . Steps of Saint Patrick's for Final Battle?!?!?!


That is just how bored I am people.

Wow

Well, it has been over a month since I have posted anything here . . . and my last post was nothing more than posting up something JP said.

It isn't that I haven't had things to write about (Oh boy have I); it is just that I can't seem to find the time when I want to write or the desire to write when I have the time. It is actually quite funny.

So, what has been happening the past month?

Well, first and foremost, I don't bloody understand women. No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to figure them out. They are enigmas, they drive me crazy, yet I can't help but be enthralled by them. Over the past month, I have been stymied by no fewer than five women's actions. Every time I think I get one of them figured out, every time I think to myself, "Hey, this is what this woman thinks about me" . . . BAM! Something happens and it completely mystifies me. My viewpoint becomes completely skewed as I try to assimilate this new information into my existing schemas regarding women. By now, you think I would have learned that women are not something I am meant to understand, but no.

Add onto all this the sheer amount of drama seeming to consume everyone the past few weeks and you just have insanity. This isn't the good drama either. No thespians playfully cavorting around a stage. This is pure high school melodrama. This is the kind of drama that occurs when Person A gets mad at Person B, but they don't confront Person B. Instead, they go complaining to Person C, Person D, Person E, and Person F. Of course, one of those four will say something to someone else, and eventually it gets to Person B, and they get mad. This of course can either lead to another round of bitching to other people, or to Person B confronting Person A about it. Of course, this confrontation leads to Person A getting mad at the people he/she complained to and can start the entire process over again.

I AM SICK OF IT. It has been going on all over the place this past month, and I don't know why. When did we revert back to freshman year of High School? Why can we not be adults and face up to each other? If you have a problem with someone, tell them about it. If someone does something that pisses you off, let him or her know. I know it seems like a novel concept, but maybe honesty is the best policy here people. A little bitching about things is all well and good. Hell, I know I do it plenty myself, but if I have a real problem with someone I let them know. I don't sit around griping with people and making jokes about how to hurt/kill the person who angers me. I don't avoid the person like the plague. I don't ignore the person when they try talking to me.

Ah, venting is good for the spirit. I have been thinking that stuff, but not saying it for a while. Because these feelings are not being caused by any one person, I haven't said this to anyone. It just didn't feel right to vent all that to one person who only tossed a few straws on the camel's back. Sure, one of their straws may have been that one that just snapped the spine, but can you really blame that one straw for the weight of all the others?

So here I am, sitting in my room at 4:50 on the Saturday of Homecoming. I am alone, completely sober, bored, and unable to sleep. It is a little sad, but then again, that is how I spend most of my nights. For some reason I feel have been feeling quite lonely lately and I don't know why. I have more friends than I know what to do with. I walk into a building and half a dozen people say my name with the sound of joy filling their voices. This year's freshman class has a multitude of people in whose company I find myself laughing, thinking, and generally having a good time. You would think that them, in addition to all of my old friends from years past would be enough, but the thing is, none of these relationships is as close and intimate as I would really like. I miss the feeling of having one person in the world who feels that I truly mean something to them and just wants to spend time with me. I want someone who truly and deeply cares about me in a manner that means more than simple friendship. Don’t get me wrong, friendship is all well and good, but I want more.

Quotes of the night -

Could you imagine how horrible things would be if we always told others how we felt? Life would be intolerably bearable. – Randy K. Milholland


"What part of my message did you get? We've been having trouble with the com system, see, and--"
"The most important part. The part that said: 'I need you.'"
"And you came here just on that?"
"What more is there?"
Garibaldi and Lise

Oh JP . . .

In my AIM profile I have a quote from everyone's favorite chubby little cubby all stuffed with fluff (for the heathens who read this . . . that means Winnie the Pooh).

If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you.

Now, I have that in my profile because it is a sweet expression that expresses Pooh's love for someone (I don't know where the quote came from exactly, but I am assuming he was just saying it to a friend). Well, JP took it another way.

I think Winnie the Pooh might be suicidal.
A caveat for my argument: Just as Pooh, I will utilize days as my smallest increment of time measurement.
Logically, we can eliminate the possibility that Pooh's audience is older than Pooh, because when if his elder dies at 100 (36,524 days, given leap years and the skipped leap year on the centennial that passes at some point in the duration), then if Pooh is to reach 36,523 days he will necessarily spend some time living without them.
Now, if the person(s) to whom Pooh is speaking is the exact same age as Pooh, I think his this statement could be off-handedly dismissed as a tender bit of affection. However, barring that exceedingly unlikely circumstance, and having already eliminated the possibility that Pooh will outlive his counterpart(s), this statement essentially amounts to a wish for an early death. For example, if Pooh's partner is 7,305 days (20 years) younger than Pooh, Pooh is essentially hoping to die fully 7,306 days earlier than the time of death of his friend. I submit that this is an unhealthy and potentially dangerous attitude towards his own longevity, especially considering that on his 36,523rd day Pooh will almost certainly have absolutely no knowledge of the actual date of the other person's/persons' demise(s). As such, not only is he committing himself to shortening his own lifespan, it will quite likely be a futile gesture in terms of attempting to coincide with an event that is still an unforeseeable time in the future.
Ultimately, this depressing sentiment on the part of Pooh is representative of the phenomenon of growing teen suicide rates over the past several decades. Likewise, let us not forget that Pooh is similarly hoping for a pre-determined time of death for another, which I think draws a chilling reference to the various tragic acts of violence that are becoming all too common in middle and high schools in our nation. Given that this timeframe coincides with Pooh's own rise to popularity as a cultural icon, I cannot help but wonder what correlation may exist.
Regardless, as a responsible American, I humbly request that all Winnie the Pooh television shows and movies be removed from the airwaves, and all toys, books and other commercial products of or pertaining to that corporate entity be heretofore burned.
Thank you.

Yeah. . . JP saw Pooh's expression of love as an evil statement hinting at Pooh's ultimate goal for everyone to die when and as he plans.

Oh I miss you JP.