It isn't that I haven't had things to write about (Oh boy have I); it is just that I can't seem to find the time when I want to write or the desire to write when I have the time. It is actually quite funny.
So, what has been happening the past month?
Well, first and foremost, I don't bloody understand women. No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to figure them out. They are enigmas, they drive me crazy, yet I can't help but be enthralled by them. Over the past month, I have been stymied by no fewer than five women's actions. Every time I think I get one of them figured out, every time I think to myself, "Hey, this is what this woman thinks about me" . . . BAM! Something happens and it completely mystifies me. My viewpoint becomes completely skewed as I try to assimilate this new information into my existing schemas regarding women. By now, you think I would have learned that women are not something I am meant to understand, but no.
Add onto all this the sheer amount of drama seeming to consume everyone the past few weeks and you just have insanity. This isn't the good drama either. No thespians playfully cavorting around a stage. This is pure high school melodrama. This is the kind of drama that occurs when Person A gets mad at Person B, but they don't confront Person B. Instead, they go complaining to Person C, Person D, Person E, and Person F. Of course, one of those four will say something to someone else, and eventually it gets to Person B, and they get mad. This of course can either lead to another round of bitching to other people, or to Person B confronting Person A about it. Of course, this confrontation leads to Person A getting mad at the people he/she complained to and can start the entire process over again.
I AM SICK OF IT. It has been going on all over the place this past month, and I don't know why. When did we revert back to freshman year of High School? Why can we not be adults and face up to each other? If you have a problem with someone, tell them about it. If someone does something that pisses you off, let him or her know. I know it seems like a novel concept, but maybe honesty is the best policy here people. A little bitching about things is all well and good. Hell, I know I do it plenty myself, but if I have a real problem with someone I let them know. I don't sit around griping with people and making jokes about how to hurt/kill the person who angers me. I don't avoid the person like the plague. I don't ignore the person when they try talking to me.
Ah, venting is good for the spirit. I have been thinking that stuff, but not saying it for a while. Because these feelings are not being caused by any one person, I haven't said this to anyone. It just didn't feel right to vent all that to one person who only tossed a few straws on the camel's back. Sure, one of their straws may have been that one that just snapped the spine, but can you really blame that one straw for the weight of all the others?
So here I am, sitting in my room at 4:50 on the Saturday of Homecoming. I am alone, completely sober, bored, and unable to sleep. It is a little sad, but then again, that is how I spend most of my nights. For some reason I feel have been feeling quite lonely lately and I don't know why. I have more friends than I know what to do with. I walk into a building and half a dozen people say my name with the sound of joy filling their voices. This year's freshman class has a multitude of people in whose company I find myself laughing, thinking, and generally having a good time. You would think that them, in addition to all of my old friends from years past would be enough, but the thing is, none of these relationships is as close and intimate as I would really like. I miss the feeling of having one person in the world who feels that I truly mean something to them and just wants to spend time with me. I want someone who truly and deeply cares about me in a manner that means more than simple friendship. Don’t get me wrong, friendship is all well and good, but I want more.
Quotes of the night -
Could you imagine how horrible things would be if we always told others how we felt? Life would be intolerably bearable. – Randy K. Milholland
"What part of my message did you get? We've been having trouble with the com system, see, and--"
"The most important part. The part that said: 'I need you.'"
"And you came here just on that?"
"What more is there?"
Garibaldi and Lise
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