This hollow feeling in my chest is unlike any I have felt before. Maybe it is because I have no clue how you feel about me, and you don't seem to want to talk about it at all. Maybe it is because when I poured my heart out to you, you responded by looking away from me and saying, "I don't know how to respond to that." Maybe I just worry that when I am not around everyone makes the same jokes about me that are made about one of our other friends. Maybe I am just scared that everyone is actually upset with me for saying something to you about how I feel when you are still in a pseudo-relationship with another guy. Maybe it is because I know that no matter how many times he screws up he will have your heart in a way I probably never will . . . I don't really know anything anymore.
A part of me wants to take the advice I was given last night and follow it. A part of me wants to wall up my heart behind an impenetrable facade and act like a complete ass, because that is what far too many women in this world seem to flock to. Maybe if I was as cold and unfeeling as the "cool" people in this world I wouldn't have this ache in my chest anymore.
But I can't feel that way. I don't know how. My emotions don't just have an off switch. I can't be an asshole. I have tried it and failed miserably.
But the thing is, I can't be mad at you, I know I have no right to be mad at you. I can't and don't expect anything from you, but I want things from you . . . I want to know how you feel. Even if you tell me that you have absolutely no feelings for me and never want to see me again, I want to hear the words. I want to put some finality on this entire situation, but I can't bring myself to say it to your face.
When I write these things down I can be eloquent and use flowery language to describe my feelings, but as soon as I see you the words flee me. I can barely stumble through a sentence about how I feel. If we are talking about unimportant things I can ramble on for hours, but the moment I start trying to talk about the words that my heart is dying to say, I become a mute. Why? What is it about you that does this to me? How can I overcome this? How can I explain to you that all I want in this world at the moment is for you to be happy? Why can't I bring myself to tell you in person that every time you make fun of yourself and seem to believe the horrible things you say I want to take you in my arms and tell you how wonderful you are until you actually believe it yourself? Why can't I bring myself to say to you "He is going to break your heart in a way I don't think I ever could, and you don't deserve that"?
I try to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything. So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out. And tell you how I feel - like how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart. And how I need you in my life. And especially how much I want you. But those words may forver stay in my heart - locked inside. Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too ... but I'll never know.
At this point, that quote sums up how I feel better than I can myself. I only wish I knew what to do about you. I wish I knew how to make myself stop feeling for once in my life. I wish I knew how to gather up my thoughts well enough to articulate how I feel . . . but I shouldn't wish . . . as they say in the musical "Wicked":
Wishing only wounds the heart.
So I won't wish. I won't think about you. I won't dream about you. I won't call you. I won't see you. Maybe this is just lust and over the summer it will dissipate. If not, well, I will deal with that if and when it comes to it. For now though you are gone. I have said my goodbye's to you, and I wish you happiness in everything you do.
Now, I am going to sum up this post with another quote.
Until this moment, I never understood how hard it was to lose something you never had.
No comments:
Post a Comment