The Power of PostSecret

For those of you who have never heard of it, PostSecret.com is a blog that began as a community art project by Frank Warren. It started as him handing out some postcards and asking people to write their secrets on them and mail them to him. What started out small, grew and grew. Nowadays Frank gets around 200 postcards a day. People from all over the world pour out their secrets on these postcards.

Why?

What is it about anonymously divulging one's secrets that is so cathartic? Why have millions of people read the secrets on the blog? Why are there over a million topics on the official PostSecret message boards (that's just the number of topics, not the number of responses)? Why have people begun sticking their postcards into copies of the four PostSecret books in bookstores across the country? And why have people decided to stop being anonymous and start divulging their secrets on the Facebook fan page for PostSecret?

Because we as a society hold too many secrets. Everyone grows up too afraid to be themselves. In reading every PostSecret online, all four books, and the postcard that I found stuck in one of those books, I have found myself moved to tears countless times over the past month or so. Humans are simultaneously immensely frail and immensely strong.

I've also learned quite a bit about myself. I've learned why I have been so focused on "being honest" and "expressing my feelings" in the past on this blog. . . I've been hiding things from myself and everyone I care about. I know why I act the ways that I do. I've learned more about myself while learning about thousands of people I've never met than I have in hours of insomnia induced introspection.

While reading a list of people's secrets on the Facebook profile that started Saturday June 7th at 8:45pm and already has probably two or three thousand secrets on it, I found the strength to post some of my own. Unfortunately, Facebook limits the length that a comment on a picture can be, and I ended up cutting quite a few of the things I wanted to say. Here is the comment I wrote (with some of the things more fully explained) and the things I wanted to say but didn't have the room for.

- I've read this entire thread in one sitting, and feel closer to people here than I do to some of my "friends"

- I feel out of place and alone with all but a handful of people. They keep me sane... but I haven't seen any of them in almost two months.

- I wish I didn't always feel the need to be the strong one, the reliable one, and the understanding one. I've only shown my full emotional weakness to one person, ever, and I don't think she even realizes it. I almost had a nervous breakdown that night, but talking to her, even for that few minutes, allowed me to make the drive home and sleep for the first time in almost a week.

- I didn't cry at my grandmother's funeral because my dad was too close to having a nervous breakdown, and someone had to take care of my disabled brother. I wanted nothing more than to throw my arms around my dad and ask why she was gone... but I couldn't because I knew he wouldn't be able to handle it.

- I want nothing more in this world than to move away from this tiny shithole and closer to my friends, but I don't know how my parents would cope without me around. I'm afraid to think how long I am going to stay here because I am scared of leaving my family without help.

- I am deathly afraid that I am constantly missing out on happiness because my heart won't let me let go of her... the one I never really had.

- I wish I could explain to my parents the reason I hate my adopted sisters so much, but I can't. They already blame themselves for all the shit the two of them put our family through, and if they knew the whole extent it would kill them. The scariest part is that I think my mom suspects the reason, but because she knows what it would do to my dad, avoids any mention of it.

- When you get down to it, I want nothing more in this world than to just own a little book store. I don't really want to be a psychologist, psychiatrist, professor, social worker, case manager, or therapist. I want to be the weirdo who owns a little bookshop and sits around reading behind the counter all day.

- I sit up till two or three every morning, not just because I have insomnia, but because I am sitting around thinking about all the people in my life I could have been closer to, the people I have drifted away from, and the people who, for reasons unknown to me, have distanced themselves from me.

- I'm not even close to being as happy in real life as I act around other people.

- I'm the nice guy who does everything he can for everyone, because I fear that if I don't, if I tell people no (ie. "No, sorry, I can't drop everything and help you for the fifth day in a row", "No, I don't want to hear you bitch and moan about how crappy your boyfriend is", "No, I won't work on my day off for the third straight week", "No, I won't cover your shift so you can go on a date", etc.), then I won't have any friends. I don't know any other way to connect to people. I give and give and give in the hopes that at some point in time someone will give back as much to me.

- For some reason, it seems that the women I love can't love me and the women who love me I can't love. I don't know why or how, but it just seems to be a recurring cycle.

- I write in this blog because I can't say things to people face to face. I'm too scared of the personal rejection that could come of it. I've been rejected so many times in life that I just am sick and tired of it. I'm not sure how I will react if it happens one more time, but I worry about the things I miss out on because I can't express myself in person.

- I hate to see people in pain. There is nothing more heart wrenching and agonizing to me than someone I care about in pain. I would rather be in constant pain than allow one person I love to feel discomfort.

- I read quotes because they let me know that somewhere, at some point in time, someone felt the same way I do. It give me a connection to someone in this lonely universe.

- I have one secret, alluded to in one of the above points, that was too horrible to admit to anyone, even myself, until recently. As it is, I still can't bring myself to share it with anyone. I can only think of seven people in the world that I trust enough to tell, but I can't and won't burden them with anything like this.

- After writing each one of these things down, I felt knots of tension in my shoulders and neck loosen. I am more relaxed than I have been in weeks, and it is all because I am letting myself admit to these things. Sure, I had thought them, but I think that by keeping them inside I had denied them even to myself.

If you read this, whether I know you or not, I hope that it prompts you to relieve yourself of your secrets. Be it to me (via comment, e-mail, or phone call), PostSecret, someone you trust, or something as simple as an anonymous note stuck in a book at a store, let them go. Let whatever secrets you are holding inside of you out to someone somewhere. The experience is uplifting and cathartic.

Thoughts written down at 2am while slightly. . .well really. . . intoxicated.

Yeah, so as the title says, I am somewhat intoxicated. As past evidence has shown, this doesn't really effect my grasp of the English language, so I figure I am fine. It might take me around twice as long to write what I want to, but oh well.

So, over the past week I have come to several conclusions. Here are a few of them. . .

1. My dogs lose almost all control of their bodily functions when my parents leave.

2. I need to interact with someone somewhere other than work at least once a day, or I go crazy.

3. The guys at work tend to ask a lot of really simple questions, which tends to get on one's nerves when he hasn't had much sleep.

4. I love who I love, and though I can't change that (or the way they feel), I can pretend to ignore it and focus my energy on interests that might prove more . . . profitable, successful, fulfilling, etc. in the end.

5. I have to go to Las Vegas at some point soon. . . and I might be accompanied by a co-worker. . . and in this case, I wouldn't really mind.

6. I make far more crude jokes while drunk than while sober.

7. When I know that I don't have to drive myself home, I am far more willing to drink and accept drinks.

8. I miss my real friends while I am sitting at home or at a local bar. . .

Yeah, number 8 is the most relevant at the moment.

Quotes to fill space. . .

If you had one phone call to make before you died, who would you call, what would you say, and why are you WAITING?

To this I say that I know who I would call and what I would say, but then again, it has all been said before, so it isn't like I am really waiting.

Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they have the power to change the world - Buddha

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” – Neil Gaiman

Titles are superfluous

Here is a nice little paraphrasing of an inner dialogue I had earlier. (Note, most people have inner angels and demons. . . I have an inner Jekyll and Hyde because I am fully willing to admit that my less than 'nice' feelings are actually mine.)

[Jekyll is as always trying to cover Hyde's mouth and hold him down so he can't act.]

Jekyll: George, I know that you are stressed and conflicted, but you know I am right. Just sit back, take it all in, and wait it out.

George: Yeah, that's really worked in the past, Jekyll. Honestly, I don't know why I listen to you sometimes.

[Jekyll, startled by the comment, loses his grip on Hyde. Hyde takes full advantage of the situation and proceeds to put Jekyll in a sleeper hold.]

Hyde: Fuck yeah George! Screw this pansy and his "sit back and wait" philosophies. Lets go out there and grab what life offers. If he works, "Fuckin' sweet". If not, well hell, there are plenty of other ways to have fun out there.

[George and Hyde run off to have fun, leaving the unconscious Jekyll in a heap on the floor.]

(Insert Witty Title Here)

Given all the shit that has been going on, I just felt a need to write. If you don't know the details of what has been going on, ask me. I will probably tell you if you REALLY feel like being depressed, but I don't want to just post it online. Alright, now to the actual body of this thing.

First, I want to thank the people I have talked to about the situation for their support, kind words, and aid in distracting myself (even those of you who didn't know you were doing so). I am doing alright; right now I am just worried about my parents. They are currently showing both their parental and therapeutic sides. While having revenge fantasies, they are simultaneously worrying about said fantasies and talking about getting the whole family into counseling about the situation . . . yeah, not happening.

Second, whilst suffering from a severe bout of my insomnia, I have been rereading a book. Sometimes in books we find the exact expressions we need or sayings that just fit perfectly into situations. Tonight, I was reading White Knight by Jim Butcher and I found two perfect passages.

Here is the first, on the topic of pain.

We still hadn't learned, though, that growing up was all about getting hurt. And then getting over it. You hurt. You recover. You move on. Odds are pretty good you're just going to get hurt again. But each time you learn something.
Each time, you come out of it a little stronger, and at some point you realize that there are more flavors of pain than coffee. There's the little empty pain of leaving something behind - graduating, taking the next step forward, walking out of something familiar and safe into the unknown. There's the big whirling pain of life upending all of your plans and expectations. There's the sharp little pains of failure, and the more obscure aches of successes that don't give you what you thought they would. There are the vicious stabbing pains of hopes being torn up. The sweet little pains of finding others, giving them your love, and taking joy in their life as they grow and learn. There's the steady pain of empathy that you shrug off so you can stand beside a wounded friend and help them bear their burdens.
And if you're very, very lucky, there are a very few blazing hot little pains that you feel when you realize that you are standing in a moment of utter perfection, an instant of triumph, or happiness, or mirth which at the same time cannot possibly last - and yet will remain with you for life.
Everyone is down on pain, because they forget something important about it: Pain is for the living. Only the dead don't feel it.
Pain is a part of life. Sometimes it is a big part, and sometimes it isn't, but either way it is part of the big puzzle, the deep music, the great game. Pain does two things: It teaches you, tells you that you are alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes it leaves you stronger. Either way, pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve it in one degree or another.

The second is a conversation (between a shadow of a fallen angel and a human wizard. . . it's complicated) about the nature of anger. I am just going to include some of the dialog.

Anger is just anger. It isn’t good. It isn’t bad. It just is. What you do with it is what matters. It’s just like anything else. You can use it to build or destroy. You just have to make the choice.

Constructive anger

Also known as passion. Passion has overthrown tyrants and freed prisoners and slaves. Passion has brought justice where there is savagery. Passion has created freedom where there was nothing but fear. Passion has helped souls rise from the ashes of their horrible lives and build something better, stronger, more beautiful. In point of fact, that kind of thing really doesn’t get done without passion. Anger is one of the things that can help build it – if it’s controlled.

So yeah, I'm hurt and angry, but I am using that pain and anger. I'm not wallowing in the pain anymore. I am using it. It has become the fire with which I am tempering who I am. For too long I have been focused on petty, meaningless "pains" in my life. I focus on things I can't control or change and whine and moan about the pain they cause. If I didn't want to feel it, I could move myself the fuck away from it. No, I was complaining because I wanted someone else to do something about it for me. That is stupid, selfish, childish thinking, and I am a moron for indulging in it. I was focusing on petty things when there is real pain going on around me all the time. That is what I need to focus on.

That of course brings me to the lesson that the second passage truly embodies. In about two weeks, my outlook on life has changed. At first when I found out about what happened, I was only concerned with what I could direct my anger at. I lashed out at things (that poor Stop sign never saw it coming) and flailed about impotently. Now I am looking more closely at myself, my family, and the people I work with (staff and guys) to help me do everything I can to help PREVENT anything like it from happening in the future. While my parents are indulging in meaningless, pointless revenge fantasies still, I am trying to think of ways to get word to the community about the danger in it without exposing myself to libel or slander suits. My anger has turned into a passion to make sure everyone can do what they can to protect those they love. Every day I go to work now, I see in the face of each guy there the chance to help them and everyone they interact with. I see that I can be instrumental in making sure others don't go through what my family has.

I don't know why it took such a painful and infuriating demonstration to pound these lessons into my skull, but now that they are there, they aren't leaving.

Widowers, Teenage Pregnancy, Suicide, and Psychotic Breaks - Oh my!

You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies. - Steve Martin

That's right Steve, movies are one of the most prevalent medias in our culture today... And I am addicted to them. Upon a recent count spurred by curiosity as to how many movies I actually watched this past year, I came up with a startling number. I watched 62 new releases in 2007. That doesn't mean that I watched 62 movies I hadn't seen before, that means that I watched 62 movies that were released in theaters in 2007. That is more than one new movie a week.

Granted, I didn't watch them all in the theater, but many of them I did. Heck, I even drove long distances for some of them (some just so I could watch it with friends, others because I couldn't find them locally).

Here is an alphabetical list of the movies I watched:

"300"
"3:10 To Yuma"
"Across The Universe"
"Alvin And the Chipmunks Movie"
"August Rush"
"Balls Of Fury"
"Beowulf"
"Blades Of Glory"
"The Bourne Ultimatum"
"Bridge To Terabithia"
"Dan In Real Life"
"Disturbia"
“Dragon Wars”
"Enchanted"
"Evan Almighty"
"The Ex"
"Fantastic Four 2"
"Fracture"
"Ghost Rider"
"The Golden Compass"
"Good Luck Chuck"
"Hairspray The Movie"
"Hannibal Rising"
"Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Movie"
"Hot Fuzz"
"I Am Legend"
"I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry"
"The Invasion"
"Juno"
"Knocked Up"
"Lars And The Real Girl"
“License to Wed”
"Live Free Or Die Hard"
“Meet the Robinsons”
"Mr. Brooks"
"National Treasure 2"
"The Number 23"
"Ocean's 13"
"Peaceful Warrior"
"Pirates Of The Caribbean 3"
"Premonition"
“Pride”
"Ratatouille"
"Rush Hour 3"
"The Seeker: Dark Is Rising"
"Shoot Em Up"
"Shrek 3"
"The Simpsons Movie"
“Spiderman 3"
"Stardust"
"Stomp The Yard"
"Superbad"
"Sweeney Todd Movie"
"TMNT (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)"
"Transformers The Movie "
"Wild Hogs"
"Wristcutters"
"Zodiac"


While 2007 was a year of sequels and huge blockbusters, my favorites of the year were neither. Three of my four favorite movies of the year I had to drive 80 miles to find because they were limited releases. The fourth I saw on my local theater's "Arthouse" screen (Yeah, I now watch Arthouse movies).

My top four movies of the year (Not really in any order because I can't pick an order) were Dan in Real Life, Juno, Wristcutters: A Love Story, and Lars and the Real Girl. Each and every one of these movies was incredibly character driven, which is a rarity in today's theaters.

Dan in Real Life - The touching story of a widower struggling to raise his three daughters. He thinks everything is going alright, right up until he meets the woman of his dreams... only to then learn that she is his brother's girlfriend. The characters are realistic and so easy to relate to that you care about them by the end of the movie, and not just in a silly "What's gonna happen" way like with most movies. While not normally a Dane Cook fan, he actually pulled off the role of the spoiled younger brother who is desperately trying to show he can change for a woman he loves, while the normally slapstick Steve Carell plays a man who is easy to empathize with, lovable, and believably confused as he tries to raise three girls as a lone man.

Juno - Between Ellen Page, J.K. Simmons, and Michael Cera, this movie has an amazing cast and the characters and funny, yet believable. A comedy that also tugs on the heartstrings. Ellen Page was rightfully nominated for a best actress award, and I hope to god she wins. Michael Cera is quickly becoming one of my favorite new actors with his honest and realistic humor and insecurity. With Jennifer Garner, Jason Bateman, and J.K. Simmons as the supporting cast, Juno was a great movie that I will probably watch again in theaters now that it has expanded.

Wristcutters: A Love Story - How do you make a movie about people who have committed suicide living in the next world and searching for a meaning to their existence (whether that be an ex-girlfriend who killed herself too or the people in charge so you can tell them you didn't commit suicide, you just OD'ed), well someone managed to, and it is a great movie. The attention to detail shown in this movie is astounding. Nobody in this afterlife can smile, but they don't mention it until halfway through the movie, and by then you finally realize that nobody has smiled yet. The little things like that make all the difference in this kind of movie.

Lars and the Real Girl - Over the years, Ryan Gosling has shown himself as an incredibly versatile actor who can be anything from a cold-blooded killer to a young man in the throws of love. In Lars and the Real Girl, he does an incredible job of portraying a man with a serious psychological problem. A man who has problems relating to people and connecting with them buys a realistic sex doll and introduces her around as his girlfriend he met online. The entire town he lives in pulls together to make sure that "she" is made to feel at home. A heartfelt movie about what people will do for people they care about.

Well, that is a short blurb about my four favorite movies of the year, and now for a disclaimer:

If you care about your sanity, soul, mind, or eyes, don't - I repeat, DON'T - watch Dragon Wars. Between the horrible dialog, shoddy plot holes, ridiculous twists, and completely stupid Deus ex Machinas, Dragon Wars was an utter affront to my sensibilities.