. . . . . . . Why?
How many fucking crosses does my little brother have to fucking bear?
Are cerebral palsy, mental retardation, Attention Deficit Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Pica not enough?
Apparantly not, because he just had two and a half feet of his small intestines removed because they became twisted and died. Right now he is in the intensive care unit of the hospital heavily sedated and unconscious so he can't pull out the various tubes and IV's they have him on. Apparantly he is going to be sedated like that for at least the next two days.
My parents are on the verge of breaking down. He was just starting to really recover from his leg surgery in April and then this happens. It seems whenever we start getting one of his problems under control a new one crops up.
Oh yeah, did I mention that it looks like he has spontaneously become diabetic?
At the moment I am sitting in my room with tears streaming down my cheeks as I write this. I am keeping myself composed and calm when I am around my parents because if they see me lose it I know that they won't be able to take it any more and they will both have breakdowns . . . my dad is just about there already. I am dead tired after getting up to take care of Tom yesterday morning when he started feeling sick, working last night, and then going to the hospital not once but twice today to ferry my parents back and forth and make sure they are taking care of themselves and eating (the place is 45 minutes away). And now I am getting ready to head to work for the night.
I am physically and emotionally drained and I want to know why the hell my little brother who is probably the closest thing to an innocent over the age of 5 I have ever seen has to suffer so much. This morning he was crying and begging my parents to give him something to drink, which of course we couldn't do because his bowels were twisted and anything that went into his stomach would just have to be suctioned out. He was even begging for pop - my little brother who has spit out every mouthful of every carbonated beverage he has ever tasted was begging for pop. . . .
I am glad I have this place to just vent and let out all the shit that is building up inside of me, because keeping it all inside when I am in front of my parents is so hard that sometimes I just want to scream.
Why Tom? Why can't it be some drug dealing, smut peddling, crackwhore and her pimp who have this type of shit happen to them? If there is some grand plan out there, why does it strike down the good people like my little brother and allow whores, pimps, and drugdealers to thrive?
Whew . . . . I feel a bit better now. Well . . . time to go to work and serve the masses their popcorn and pop.
7/18/2006
7/13/2006
You ever have one of 'those weeks'? You know, the ones where EVERYTHING just seems to happen at once? Well I just had one, and boy am I tired.
As Neil Gaiman put it in "Neverwhere" -
Well, I noticed that this past week or so.
I am not going to get into too many details, but a few of the highs/lows are as follows - my grandfather is on his deathbed, my godfather just got married and he and his kids are happier than I have seen them in years, we are showing two extremely long movies at work which is stretching my worknights into workmornings, my dogs have been acting insane recently, and even when I do get a chance to try and get some sleep I normally don't end up falling to sleep until the wee hours of the morning (normally around 4 or 5 in the morning).
Now that that is out of the way, I can get down to the real reason I am writing this post. The ideas behind this post started brewing last Thursday night, and I haven't found the time or energy to write them down until now.
Femmes!
I've said it before, and I will say it again - I don't understand women, and I know I never will. I don't think that there is a man in this world who truly understands women and the way their minds work. Oh sure, some guys may know how their wife thinks, but that is one woman. Women as a whole are one confusing bunch.
Now, after reading the above paragraph, many a woman would counter, "Women are easy to understand. Men are the confusing ones." Women may actually believe this argument, but the truth to that argument is that men seem confusing . . . because they are confused. Men don't know how to act around women because women say, do, and think different things. They say one thing, mean another, and think a third, but somehow they expect men to be fully cognizant of what they want.
A classic example is the "Where do you want to eat" dilemma. Most of the time when a man asks, "Hey, where do you want to eat", he will get one of the following responses: "I don't know", "I don't care", or "Oh, it doesn't matter, you pick". Do any of those three things really mean what they seem to mean? NO! They normally mean something more to the effect of "I know exactly where I want to eat, but I want you to prove that you know me and pick the place I want". Every once and a while a woman will be honest and actually say "How about (Insert overpriced eatery here)", and the man involved will internally dance a little happy dance.
Or how about the ever popular "Are you mad" question. Most women have several types of anger that they can express, and the most frustrating of these is the type where they profess to be completely calm, collected, and not in the least perturbed, and all the while they are seething inside about some slight that the man probably doesn't even realize he has committed. As the man remains blissfully unaware of his wrongdoing, the woman continues to allow her anger to build up without expressing it in any way other than to become slightly withdrawn (perhaps with a few surreptitious glares in the man's direction). When confronted about her behavior, the woman continues to deny any anger until finally exploding at the man.
Then there is always the question of what a woman wants in a man. I have heard countless women say that they look for a man who is "Smart, funny, kind" etc. etc. etc. Unfortunately I can count on my hands the number of times I have actually seen a guy who is all the things listed, but not physically very attractive, with one of these women. This is another case of women saying one thing, and their actions saying another. Far too many women date guys based solely on physical appearance, and then when the guys turns out to be an ass, complain that men are all jerks. A great many men are not jerks, but we are looked over because women are as shallow and hormonal as men (they just don't like to admit it).
Due to these - and other - situations, men have learned think things through and tread carefully around women at times, but these are not the main cause of stress between the sexes. In my opinion, the one situation which has caused more stress between men and women than anything else is the question of honesty.
Most men like to be honest about things. If a buddy is doing something stupid, men point it out. If a guy is wearing a hat that makes him look like a moron, his friends will point it out and tell him not to wear it.
Women claim to love honesty, but at times they prefer to be lied to. "How do I look?", "Does this dress make me look fat?", etc. . . . why do you ask these questions if you don't want us to be honest? If any man ever answered either of those questions with a "Sorry honey, that dress does not flatter your figure at all. Maybe you should wear that other one" he would not only be sleeping on the couch for the next week, but he would probably have a few things thrown at his head.
The question of honesty also comes into play when a guy has feelings for a woman. If a guy just comes out and says how he feels, he risks several possible complications. First, he could say it at the wrong time and make the woman upset and uncomfortable. Second, she may have no feelings for him whatsoever, in which case he has probably just flushed a friendship down the toilet by being honest. Third (and in some guys' cases most likely) he can get the always popular "I don't like you in that way", the "I don't know how to respond to that", the classic "You aren't boyfriend material", or my personal favorite "You are just too nice, and I don't want to ruin our friendship".
Of course, if he keeps these feelings in when she wants him to say them, then she can become upset that he is too closed up emotionally. Maybe, while he is wrestling with whether or not he should say anything (probably for fear of one of the above complications), she will decide that he doesn't have any feelings for him, not tell him, and just move on to one of the shallow pretty-boy asshats talked about a few paragraphs ago.
So, with all these confusing possibilities and complications fouling out male-female interactions, men muddle on slowly and confused. Do they tell the truth this time, or is this a case where the truth will get you slapped? Does she really not want to talk about what is wrong, or does she want you to just automatically know what is wrong and apoligize for it? Graaaaaah!!!
From now on, I just want everyone to be honest with me. If you want to say something, say it. Please don't hold back (except for you Mike and BJ . . . I don't even want to know what Mike is thinking, and I already know what BJ is thinking). Just cut through all the bullshit and come out with it already people.
As Neil Gaiman put it in "Neverwhere" -
Richard had noticed that events were cowards: they didn't occur singly, but instead they would run in packs and leap out at him all at once.
Well, I noticed that this past week or so.
I am not going to get into too many details, but a few of the highs/lows are as follows - my grandfather is on his deathbed, my godfather just got married and he and his kids are happier than I have seen them in years, we are showing two extremely long movies at work which is stretching my worknights into workmornings, my dogs have been acting insane recently, and even when I do get a chance to try and get some sleep I normally don't end up falling to sleep until the wee hours of the morning (normally around 4 or 5 in the morning).
Now that that is out of the way, I can get down to the real reason I am writing this post. The ideas behind this post started brewing last Thursday night, and I haven't found the time or energy to write them down until now.
Femmes!
I've said it before, and I will say it again - I don't understand women, and I know I never will. I don't think that there is a man in this world who truly understands women and the way their minds work. Oh sure, some guys may know how their wife thinks, but that is one woman. Women as a whole are one confusing bunch.
Now, after reading the above paragraph, many a woman would counter, "Women are easy to understand. Men are the confusing ones." Women may actually believe this argument, but the truth to that argument is that men seem confusing . . . because they are confused. Men don't know how to act around women because women say, do, and think different things. They say one thing, mean another, and think a third, but somehow they expect men to be fully cognizant of what they want.
A classic example is the "Where do you want to eat" dilemma. Most of the time when a man asks, "Hey, where do you want to eat", he will get one of the following responses: "I don't know", "I don't care", or "Oh, it doesn't matter, you pick". Do any of those three things really mean what they seem to mean? NO! They normally mean something more to the effect of "I know exactly where I want to eat, but I want you to prove that you know me and pick the place I want". Every once and a while a woman will be honest and actually say "How about (Insert overpriced eatery here)", and the man involved will internally dance a little happy dance.
Or how about the ever popular "Are you mad" question. Most women have several types of anger that they can express, and the most frustrating of these is the type where they profess to be completely calm, collected, and not in the least perturbed, and all the while they are seething inside about some slight that the man probably doesn't even realize he has committed. As the man remains blissfully unaware of his wrongdoing, the woman continues to allow her anger to build up without expressing it in any way other than to become slightly withdrawn (perhaps with a few surreptitious glares in the man's direction). When confronted about her behavior, the woman continues to deny any anger until finally exploding at the man.
Then there is always the question of what a woman wants in a man. I have heard countless women say that they look for a man who is "Smart, funny, kind" etc. etc. etc. Unfortunately I can count on my hands the number of times I have actually seen a guy who is all the things listed, but not physically very attractive, with one of these women. This is another case of women saying one thing, and their actions saying another. Far too many women date guys based solely on physical appearance, and then when the guys turns out to be an ass, complain that men are all jerks. A great many men are not jerks, but we are looked over because women are as shallow and hormonal as men (they just don't like to admit it).
Due to these - and other - situations, men have learned think things through and tread carefully around women at times, but these are not the main cause of stress between the sexes. In my opinion, the one situation which has caused more stress between men and women than anything else is the question of honesty.
Most men like to be honest about things. If a buddy is doing something stupid, men point it out. If a guy is wearing a hat that makes him look like a moron, his friends will point it out and tell him not to wear it.
Women claim to love honesty, but at times they prefer to be lied to. "How do I look?", "Does this dress make me look fat?", etc. . . . why do you ask these questions if you don't want us to be honest? If any man ever answered either of those questions with a "Sorry honey, that dress does not flatter your figure at all. Maybe you should wear that other one" he would not only be sleeping on the couch for the next week, but he would probably have a few things thrown at his head.
The question of honesty also comes into play when a guy has feelings for a woman. If a guy just comes out and says how he feels, he risks several possible complications. First, he could say it at the wrong time and make the woman upset and uncomfortable. Second, she may have no feelings for him whatsoever, in which case he has probably just flushed a friendship down the toilet by being honest. Third (and in some guys' cases most likely) he can get the always popular "I don't like you in that way", the "I don't know how to respond to that", the classic "You aren't boyfriend material", or my personal favorite "You are just too nice, and I don't want to ruin our friendship".
Of course, if he keeps these feelings in when she wants him to say them, then she can become upset that he is too closed up emotionally. Maybe, while he is wrestling with whether or not he should say anything (probably for fear of one of the above complications), she will decide that he doesn't have any feelings for him, not tell him, and just move on to one of the shallow pretty-boy asshats talked about a few paragraphs ago.
So, with all these confusing possibilities and complications fouling out male-female interactions, men muddle on slowly and confused. Do they tell the truth this time, or is this a case where the truth will get you slapped? Does she really not want to talk about what is wrong, or does she want you to just automatically know what is wrong and apoligize for it? Graaaaaah!!!
From now on, I just want everyone to be honest with me. If you want to say something, say it. Please don't hold back (except for you Mike and BJ . . . I don't even want to know what Mike is thinking, and I already know what BJ is thinking). Just cut through all the bullshit and come out with it already people.
7/04/2006
Thoughts Fermented By Boredom
After a day spent doing absolutely nothing for once, I sit here at my computer, chatting with an old friend from high school who I haven't had a conversation with in years and random thoughts have been bubbling up through my boredom. . . mayhaps it is the small amount of Canadian Whisky (that is one of the few things I will commend Canadians on - they make some decent booze) I have imbibed, but many of these thoughts are completely unconnected. To tell the truth, they are as unconnected as the bubbles I compared them to above.
-Pop-
Coincidences happen all the time. Tonight I started talking to a friend from college and she started asking about a friend I hadn't even thought of in months. Turns out one of her best friends goes to college with him and when he learned where she went he remembered that I was there. Through her I got his AIM name (funnily enough it turned out to be the same as his old Yahoo name that I used to chat with him on years ago). After starting up a conversation with him, I realized how nostalgic I get every once and a while for the simpler times of high school. No need to worry about when your various classes are . . . they are scheduled out for you in one long block every day. No need to worry about changes in schedules or whether or not a professor will cancel class on a given day or take attendence on that one day you skip . . . because they are always there and they always take attendence. Boy were those days were easier.
-Pop-
Recently I have become more aware of how my parents are having to change their perceptions of me. My dad was talking to my godfather on the phone the other night about his eldest daughter who recently graduated high school. My dad started talking about how "she can't be that old already" and "did she really already graduate?" and was about to continue on until he glanced over at me (probably because I was laughing at him). When he glanced over I just raised my wine glass (I was having a nice glass of Merlot with dinner) and smiled.
Sometimes my parents still see me as nothing more than the little boy I used to be, but then something jars their memory and they realize that I am an adult. It is refreshing to know that some part of them will always remember me as the little kid even if I can't remain as such.
-Pop-
I heard a song on the radio last night that I fell in love with. It is called "When Did You Fall" by Chris Rice. It is a really great song, with a catchy tune and some touching lyrics.
(Before anyone asks, no nothing prompted the posting of that song other than the fact that I heard it.)
-Slide-
What is it about love songs that can cause such reactions in humans? I know that I for one feel calmer and more relaxed after a nice love song or two. In fact, I try to listen to a couple such songs each night before going to sleep to relax me. I know a guy who has one of the meanest reputations I can think of, but he absolutely melts when he hears certain love songs. Love songs can pluck at heartstrings in almost anyone. I have yet to meet a person who doesn't have a soft spot for at least one love song for one reason or another.
-Pop-
Lalala . . . Purple Monkey Dishwasher
-Pop-
I have been re-reading the Wheel of Time recently and I noticed a few things that I haven't noticed before.
1. Berelain is going to fall in love with "a man in white". My guess is Galad.
2. Min predicted Moiraine's return in Book 7 (right after Rand meets with the Sea Fold) even though nothing else hinted at it until Book 11.
3. Methinks Thom and Moiraine are going to hook up. Both of them had thoughts about the other at one point or another through the books that are extremely similar to the thoughts echoed through the other couples in the book (ie. Rand and Min, or Rand and Elayne, or Rand and Aviendha, etc.)
4. I am not sure Mat is going to lose an eye as some people think. I think he is going to hand half of the main continent to the Seachan in order to save the world.
5. Logaine has been getting a raw deal through the entire series, but I think he is going to pick up things where Rand drops them after the Last Battle.
6. This is connecting the above two points and adding more - After the last battle the "Known World" will be under the control of 5 rulers. Mat will control the Western areas with the Seanchan. Lan will control the "Borderlands". Elayne will control the midlands (Andor and Cairhien). The Aiel will either choose a new Car'a'carn or break back to their clans. And finally Logaine will control Tear, Illian, and possibly to some degreee Mayene.
So has George spoken, and so shall it come to pass.
-Pop-
Well, off to bed with me now. Happy Independence Day everyone.
-Pop-
Coincidences happen all the time. Tonight I started talking to a friend from college and she started asking about a friend I hadn't even thought of in months. Turns out one of her best friends goes to college with him and when he learned where she went he remembered that I was there. Through her I got his AIM name (funnily enough it turned out to be the same as his old Yahoo name that I used to chat with him on years ago). After starting up a conversation with him, I realized how nostalgic I get every once and a while for the simpler times of high school. No need to worry about when your various classes are . . . they are scheduled out for you in one long block every day. No need to worry about changes in schedules or whether or not a professor will cancel class on a given day or take attendence on that one day you skip . . . because they are always there and they always take attendence. Boy were those days were easier.
-Pop-
Recently I have become more aware of how my parents are having to change their perceptions of me. My dad was talking to my godfather on the phone the other night about his eldest daughter who recently graduated high school. My dad started talking about how "she can't be that old already" and "did she really already graduate?" and was about to continue on until he glanced over at me (probably because I was laughing at him). When he glanced over I just raised my wine glass (I was having a nice glass of Merlot with dinner) and smiled.
Sometimes my parents still see me as nothing more than the little boy I used to be, but then something jars their memory and they realize that I am an adult. It is refreshing to know that some part of them will always remember me as the little kid even if I can't remain as such.
-Pop-
I heard a song on the radio last night that I fell in love with. It is called "When Did You Fall" by Chris Rice. It is a really great song, with a catchy tune and some touching lyrics.
You’re all smiles and silly conversation
As if this sunny day came just for you
You twist your hair, you smile and you turn your eyes away
C’mon, tell me what’s right with you
Now it dawns on me probably everybody’s talkin’
And there’s something here I’m supposed to realize
‘Cause your secret’s out, and the universe laughs at it’s joke on me
I just caught it in your eyes, it’s a beautiful surprise
Chorus:
When did you fall in love with me?
Was it out of the blue
‘Cause I swear I never knew it
When did you let your heart run free?
Have you been waiting long?
When did you fall in love with me?
When did you fall in love?
Make your way over here, sit down by this fool, and let’s rewind
C’mon, let’s go back and replay all our scenes
You can point out the hints, the clues, the twists and the smiles this time
All the ones that slipped by me
I bet my face is red, and you can hear my heart poundin’
Well I guess it don’t matter now that I realize
‘Cause baby I missed it then, but I can surely see you now
Right there before my eyes
You’re my beautiful surprise
Chorus
Was it at the coffee shop
Or that morning at the bus stop
When you almost slipped, and I caught your hand
Or the time we built the snowman
The day at the beach, sandy and warm
Or the night with the scary thunderstorm
I never saw the signs
Now we’ve got to make up for lost time
And I can tell now by the way that you’re looking at me
I’d better finish this song so my lips will be free
Chorus x2
(Before anyone asks, no nothing prompted the posting of that song other than the fact that I heard it.)
-Slide-
What is it about love songs that can cause such reactions in humans? I know that I for one feel calmer and more relaxed after a nice love song or two. In fact, I try to listen to a couple such songs each night before going to sleep to relax me. I know a guy who has one of the meanest reputations I can think of, but he absolutely melts when he hears certain love songs. Love songs can pluck at heartstrings in almost anyone. I have yet to meet a person who doesn't have a soft spot for at least one love song for one reason or another.
-Pop-
Lalala . . . Purple Monkey Dishwasher
-Pop-
I have been re-reading the Wheel of Time recently and I noticed a few things that I haven't noticed before.
1. Berelain is going to fall in love with "a man in white". My guess is Galad.
2. Min predicted Moiraine's return in Book 7 (right after Rand meets with the Sea Fold) even though nothing else hinted at it until Book 11.
3. Methinks Thom and Moiraine are going to hook up. Both of them had thoughts about the other at one point or another through the books that are extremely similar to the thoughts echoed through the other couples in the book (ie. Rand and Min, or Rand and Elayne, or Rand and Aviendha, etc.)
4. I am not sure Mat is going to lose an eye as some people think. I think he is going to hand half of the main continent to the Seachan in order to save the world.
5. Logaine has been getting a raw deal through the entire series, but I think he is going to pick up things where Rand drops them after the Last Battle.
6. This is connecting the above two points and adding more - After the last battle the "Known World" will be under the control of 5 rulers. Mat will control the Western areas with the Seanchan. Lan will control the "Borderlands". Elayne will control the midlands (Andor and Cairhien). The Aiel will either choose a new Car'a'carn or break back to their clans. And finally Logaine will control Tear, Illian, and possibly to some degreee Mayene.
So has George spoken, and so shall it come to pass.
-Pop-
Well, off to bed with me now. Happy Independence Day everyone.
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